My T Wants To Do The Big One

[Dali77]

Hi all,

For our next appointment my T has suggested to address the biggest trauma from my childhood. The idea is with the help of emdr to reduce the intensity of the Image in my mind.

I have already confessed my concerns about this matter but he kept coming with good comebacks on why this would be very helpful to me . I have already mentioned my fears about re-traumatization but he told me that I have good coping skills to handle unpleasant feelings.

We spend 4 appointments working on one memory. During this time I was exposed to some really unpleasant feelings but I kept doing the 'right things''. Took a nap when feeling really tired , contacted my support system when feeling the need to be heard , looking for distractions when in low mood, forcing myself to talk long walks , calming myself down when my brain was feeding me with fear.

However on the scale of pain( 1 to 10): the first memory we addressed was a 5 at tops but the other one is def a 10

So im having really mixed feelings about our next appointment but still dont know what to do. While I know it will be of great help to process the old hurts . I dont know how I will react if I where to truly feel what happened on that traumatic day

 

[Dali77]

Let me add the following

Me and my T only know each other for a month or 3. We spend a lot of time doing the so called prep work . I have a personality disorder along with cptsd . So I fiend it somewhat strange that he want to do the ''big one'' after just knowing each other for a short time

Want to make a list of pro and cons:

Cons :

-while im not suicidal I fear that I might do something stupid if I trigger something way too big
- My T seems very competent but I still struggle to reveil my deepest feelings with him ( its getting better by the week but dont feel im there just yet)
- I the case of permanent brain damage I dont knoiw if I can handle the extra stress
- My insurance covers one year of emdr therapy with a trauma specialist . Dont have the time to keep postponing it
- Feeling very uncomfortable of going there
- Not going there would mean I keep reaming stuck . And I really do now want that
- Feel like he is pushing me but not in a annoying way

Pro:

- it would help me tremendously to get this processed
- Im doing all the right things in terms of self souting /grounding exersises
- Im willing to go ''threw hell'' in order to achieve my goals
- T seems very good at his job. For the first time I can say that I have someone who truly knows what he is doing
- If I can handle the big one I can handle pretty much everything else
- My T keeps telling me that it is essential I do this one and how much better I would feel if we succeed . That the big one is blocking me from crying as well as remembering all the smaller onces
- Living is this state is much more painful then any trauma I have experienced. Including the big one
- It would bring me much closer to my feelings. Witch is a good and a bad things :P

Any kind of feedback or some personal experience would be greatly appreciated

 

[Young Journo]

Doesn't matter how great your t is, it sounds like he is directing your sessions - which he shouldn't do. If you are not comfortable or ready it will not be a positive experience. I waited a good... five months, I would say, before I even hinted at the bigger traumas that existed, let alone talk about them. And when I did it was my idea and on my own terms and time. Even then, very very difficult. I passed out - but I was ready to talk; and it was my direction, not his.

 

[Dali77]

Doesn't matter how great your t is, it sounds like he is directing your sessions - which he shouldn't do. If you are not comfortable or ready it will not be a positive experience. I waited a good... five months, I would say, before I even hinted at the bigger traumas that existed, let alone talk about them. And when I did it was my idea and on my own terms and time. Even then, very very difficult. I passed out - but I was ready to talk; and it was my direction, not his.

That one can be explained . Ive been telling him that I have never truelly understood what is expected of me during a therapeutic session. That it would help me big if someone just took control and told me what to do ( I have always tried to please others and would go threw great lengths to make then happy instead of looking out for my own self )

And I have been waiting since 2008 to finally start with the processing of childhood memories . I just dont know how I will react when I feel something that is ''too big/too horrifying to feel

 

[Born to Run]

Three things stick out to me; you feel very uncomfortable, previous poster has a great point with directing, and third after three months it sounds very early to go into the deepest trauma.

You write "if someone took control and told me what to do" and is it not our shared trauma, the perpetrators taking control of us, that left us with the feeling of having no control. Is a therapist who is taking control and telling you what to do not the same as those perps from the past did? You should learn to regain your own power and control, it is an important part of trauma therapy. And very confusing in the beginning, but how could you only work on processing trauma and leaving your other suboptimal skills untouched? This will not make you whole as a person.
Did you read Trauma and Recovery by Judith Hermann? This may give you a better insight of the therapeitic process as a whole.

I am like you and have stated from the beginning in therapy that I will go through any hell to get out of this, and I am strong as well. I could only go through the deepest hell, after 3 years doing therapy 2-3 x a week with an excellent trauma specialist. No trauma is similar, but if we are talking chronic childhood abuse, -sorry, but I don't know if you wrote an introduction- in general we can't go into the deep after 3 months. Your system will be totally overwhelmed and that does not serve any purpose. You can unfortunately only go step by step, as your nervous system would not be able to integrate the deepest trauma, as it is too much.

Still to me the most important phrase you wrote is that you feel very uncomfortable going there, and of course, it is never comfortable, but there is a difference in being ready to go there, and not being ready. It should be at your pace, after all it is your therapy. Listen to your emotions and I would suggest to communicate this with your therapist again.

Regards from a fellow Dutchie :)

 

[Chava]

Me and my T only know each other for a month or 3. We spend a lot of time doing the so called prep work . I have a personality disorder along with cptsd .

I'm alarmed by a few weeks being prep work for any trauma really, but especially with personality disorder and cptsd. Does your therapist work with complex trauma often? I really don't want to come on here as a dumbshit who is not a therapist and judge your therapist. It sounds like you trust this person but feel really uneasy right now. So I'm not sure what to say. But my prep work was months. A couple years before I could naturally go into early traumas.

Doesn't matter how great your t is, it sounds like he is directing your sessions - which he shouldn't do

Maybe your therapist has his own timeline or process (I agree more with the approach of tuning into and helping guide the patient's more natural process). But insurance can be a nasty piece to work with too. But if this is not ultimately the helpful speed for you, I hope your therapist recognizes that. My new insurance was not even going to cover the therapy I've been doing for nearly three years (and just starting to get somewhere deeper it feels). My therapist was able to advocate for an extension and now I'm set to just keep working without the pressure of a insurance-directed timeline. Can you have a talk with your therapist about the timeline in a general way, like "Will I be able to do all of this work and heal in a year?" (I'd be interested in the answer to this....how does your therapist view it)

It sounds like you are utilizing some good coping skills, so keep that up...that's very important. Is there something specific you feel like you are missing if you work with the big trauma? Are you dissociative? What kind of "stupid" thing do you fear doing if you can't handle it? Are you far away from destructive tendencies? Is there a backup plan if it's not going well after a session or two...like if it starts to be too much, will it be okay to slow down, or will you have opened a can of worms that needs to be completed? This is the tricky stuff. All good things to hopefully further clarify with your therapist before you start this.

 

[Deleted member 28740]

It should be at your pace, after all it is your therapy. Listen to your emotions and I would suggest to communicate this with your therapist again.

Trying to trust my own emotions on when to do EMDR. PTSD undiagnosed for decade (s). Early baby trauma is emerging. A new trauma in April has both mind, but physical. Spinal damage, and trapped where I live, no resources to move, and could be homeless soon. T I am seeing is my first, this during no security $ or support. Then the assault. T is suggesting EMDR now. Insurance allows for only 1 T. Session yesterday was overwhelming, both on dealing with new threat from one of the people that assaulted me (close proximity to neighbor who directed my assault by two of her "sisters."). I can not leave my property without going past the assault site, or get my mail, or live in any security. Private investigator found "they are career violent criminals."

EMDR to process this now. I shut down and melted at the T session yesterday. Trust of self and others and been destroyed with multi traumas. Yet some where inside I still do trust that I am to fragile and vulnerable for EMDR right now. Home is not safe, no resources to move, spinal disc damage can barely walk. To broken, can't conceive that I have the strength to be more broken apart even it it resets the broken parts.

 

[Born to Run]

@Changeling I am really sorry for the situation you are in, it is painful to read. What type of therapy did your therapist do with you before the EMDR? Was that not working for you? How long are you working with this therapist? My therapist no longer uses EMDR for complex trauma as it is too difficult to regulate what you pull up in people, and being constantly overwhelmed does not serve any purpose. If you feel that it is too much for you, could you discuss this with your therapist? Or maybe you did already. You have a lot to deal with at the same time and maybe you need some more stability first. Take care so much :hug:

 

[Dali77]

Three things stick out to me; you feel very uncomfortable, previous poster has a great point with directing, and third after three months it sounds very early to go into the deepest trauma.

Good observation :)

s a therapist who is taking control and telling you what to do not the same as those perps from the past did?

No. I feel real uneasy when Im supposed to get out of my passive role . Its difrent from the perp because there they woudent listen to me. Woudent respect my boundaries and instead of helping my perp were hurting me .

Plus I have plenty of input on how to handle things . And when I make my request known , he listens and acts on it

And very confusing in the beginning, but how could you only work on processing trauma and leaving your other suboptimal skills untouched? This will not make you whole as a person.

Not sure if I understand you but are you referring to the copings skills or something else ?

Did you read Trauma and Recovery by Judith Hermann? This may give you a better insight of the therapeitic process as a whole.

No I dident but thanks for the link/ I See it has good rartings so might order the book to fully comprehend what IM getting myself into

I am like you and have stated from the beginning in therapy that I will go through any hell to get out of this, and I am strong as well. I could only go through the deepest hell, after 3 years doing therapy 2-3 x a week with an excellent trauma specialist. No trauma is similar, but if we are talking chronic childhood abuse, -sorry, but I don't know if you wrote an introduction- in general we can't go into the deep after 3 months. Your system will be totally overwhelmed and that does not serve any purpose. You can unfortunately only go step by step, as your nervous system would not be able to integrate the deepest trauma, as it is too much.

I have been in therapy since 2008. Well thats not true if you want to nit pick . In 2001 I registered for a appointment with a T. My first thought was gonna talk about my narcissist dad plus all the bullying I have endured and after 6 months to a year MAX I would heal the old hurts . Then I will be able to fully reintegrate into society. Needless to say I have underestimated the problem big time lol

Then years when by of my trying every anti depressend there is

Then Years of not going to therapy because of dident see any results

And since 2008 got back to the T office. Got out of denial about the severity about my situation. Dealt with the anger had towards my dad, learned to be assertive, how to properly apply CBT , learned how not to run/suppress negative emotions but to welcome then with arms wide open en just endure it. Real hard and really uncomfortable at times but the only right way to deal with it

However his policy was to learn his clients how to life with the symptoms . Something im just not interested in . So we never got to the real inner child issues . As stated one reason was policy the other his fear about retraumatization

I have been ready to deal with my childhood since 2010 but my T kept postponing it for years on end . I had no say in this I just had to listen. As a ''docter'' he knows whats best for me . Thank god his firm went bankrupt and I was appointed a new T. At first I wasent happy with the bankruptcy but looking back it was the best thing that happened to me. If that dident happen I still would be waiting for the moment I would finally get started

Thats my very brief introduction I hope it puts it in a better perspective ;)

 

[Dali77]

I'm alarmed by a few weeks being prep work for any trauma really, but especially with personality disorder and cptsd. Does your therapist work with complex trauma often? I really don't want to come on here as a dumbshit who is not a therapist and judge your therapist. It sounds like you trust this person but feel really uneasy right now. So I'm not sure what to say. But my prep work was months. A couple years before I could naturally go into early traumas.

Im my reply to Born to Run I have stated that I have been in therapy since 2001. Only since 2008 I started to really word on myself . So im in a much better mental state then I was before that time

In regards to the prep work . My support group got invited to the session. I have learned breathing exercises , grounding work , got techniques to calm myself down, got the much needed psych education , know about the window of tolerance , difference about the logical and emotional/reptilian brain

Not sure what else there is to do to pre-pair yourself :D

I asked him last Friday why are you so confident that I would be able to handle the big one . He said because I was very motivated to get the job done , that I pick up things quickly , that I have been very open about the hurts of the past( have named at least 7 or 8 memories we could work on), when I was in distress I always did the right things so far calm myself, my willingness to go ''deep'' and that im much stronger then I give myself credit for

I can agree with every explanation except the last one lol

My therapist was able to advocate for an extension and now I'm set to just keep working without the pressure of a insurance-directed timeline. Can you have a talk with your therapist about the timeline in a general way, like "Will I be able to do all of this work and heal in a year?" (I'd be interested in the answer to this....how does your therapist view it)

I was under the impression that I was gonna get a year of treatment . But after asking him about it . It seems I have years to work on my problems.

However dont want to get into politics in great detail so I will keep it brief. With each passing year the the government keeps imposing hostarity measures . There even were plans to cut all funding into the psych department because it cost so much and one would always be able talk to your neighbour was the official statement

Thank God the plans dident pass the congress but got a bad feeling it wont take to long before they come up with new plans . So my time is kinda limited . And while there is still room to work on yourself . I want to make the most out of every session and get as much work done as possible

It sounds like you are utilizing some good coping skills, so keep that up...that's very important. Is there something specific you feel like you are missing if you work with the big trauma? Are you dissociative? What kind of "stupid" thing do you fear doing if you can't handle it? Are you far away from destructive tendencies? Is there a backup plan if it's not going well after a session or two...like if it starts to be too much, will it be okay to slow down, or will you have opened a can of worms that needs to be completed? This is the tricky stuff. All good things to hopefully further clarify with your therapist before you start this.

Will try to answer those questions

About me missing something? I guess experience is a big one

Are you dissociative?

Yes however since the moment I have learned not to judge my feelings or criticize them or igore/suppress them . It has decreased significantly

What kind of "stupid" thing do you fear doing if you can't handle it?

I has this dream about a year ago. Was in the office of my formar T. We started digging in the past. We opened a can of worms. I lost control over my emotions. Was screaming out of my longs MAKE IT STOP!!!!! He did nothing but just looked at me . And in order to stop the pain I have jumped out of the window. Falling down and died on the spot

Wile the dream makes no sense it ''felt'' very real . So while im not suicidal whatsoever atm . I feel that the dream would become reality. Not based on anything rational but emotions

Are you far away from destructive tendencies?

I tend to abuse weed( force myself to only do it on the weekends , so I have some days of being fully sober) but other then that I have no known destructive tendencies

Is there a backup plan if it's not going well after a session or two...

Yes there is . On the bottom of that list is a a emergency number which I can call if I feel like killing myself . They are available 24/7 to help out those in need . He kept repeating to me that I can always call him if I feel the need to talk .

But thats the worst case scenario .

Aside from the emergency number I have a ton of self souting techniques plus a above average support group

.like if it starts to be too much, will it be okay to slow down, or will you have opened a can of worms that needs to be completed? This is the tricky stuff

Really good question !

If I feel for whatever reason that it is too much to handle/too scary , too uncomfortable /too intense I can stop at any time . Nothing will be done against my will

This puts my heart somewhat at ease

Thanks for your post and my apologies for the grammar :)

 

[Chava]

Sounds like you have a lot of support and backup in place. That's great! Sorry I did not understand the timeline or missed that. thanks for clarification there. Not rushing into it is a big deal. But it will probably be scary even with a lot of time and prep...so having all those coping skills and supports in place is the main thing. Sounds like you've done good work there.

 

[Born to Run]

Thank you for your introduction; I see you have quite made the rounds too :yuck: I will tell you mine even briefer; I have a borderline mother, who emotionally terrorised me from conception till I left home age 20, she also tried to strangle and drown me as a baby. I did 22 years of therapy/10 therapists in Holland, and now 3 years of trauma therapy here in Switzerland. I always went for the root of the cause, and always had psychodynamic/psychoanalytic therapies; talk therapy only. Always diagnosed with depression, only with CPTSD 3 years ago.

Judith Herman was the first to describe CPTSD, and therefore often referred to here on the forum. An online intro: https://traumainform.wordpress.com/2012/07/07/judith-herman-and-the-formulation-of-c-ptsd/

In my experience it is very empowering to self-educate and read books to get a better understanding of what is going on with you. Maybe you did that already, just suggesting. Another more recent book, to educate yourself could be The Body Remembers by B. vd Kolk.

I feel real uneasy when Im supposed to get out of my passive role . Its difrent from the perp because there they woudent listen to me.

Yes, I understand there is a difference, but what I meant, was that it is important for you to learn how to get out of your passive role. For me, recovery of trauma includes regaining my power and control over my life, as I never had the possibility to develop that, because of this mother terrorist. As being a victim and being passive is so closely linked. To me that would mean a therapist not directing you, as you have to learn how to direct yourself, how to direct your life. I hope it is more clear now.

are you referring to the copings skills or something else ?

Sorry I was unclear. I meant that CPTSD is damaging to us on many levels; you could look at the link about Herman to read them all. In trauma therapy we need to look at all levels to heal. We have the past locked into our selves that we need to process to get out of that prison, but that is just one aspect of trauma work. We are in general damaged on the interpersonal level, on the personality level, on the self-perception level and more (see the link). By processing the past only we would never heal our damage on the interpersonal level; we still need to work on new ways in how to relate to people, even to understand what normal social interaction even is like. For this the therapeutic relationship is key in helping us to heal these issues; think of trust, fear of abandonment, safety. It is through the safe relationship with our therapist that we can learn to trust someone or to feel that it is ok to be yourself, not playing roles anymore. As roles are not you.

I know about the bad developments in Dutch health insurance, but trauma therapy can not be rushed, and it will indeed take several years. In Holland I saw a therapist in private practice with a gliding scale, maybe you could find someone like that, if all goes broke in Holland.

In my post to changeling up here, I already wrote about EMDR.

Do you have a better idea now on how to proceed, as that was your initial question?

Take care