Hope, this may sound like a really strange thing to say right now, but you are an inspiration.
Ditto. :)
I am a bit worried for me today because already I know there is too much on the schedule. A lunch barbie with one set of friends. Dinner party with another set of friends. And I want to plant the herbs and veggies this morning. How pathetic that this seems like a lot to do.
For me, that would be one set of friends too much for a given day. Don't think I could do that, at this point. I went to a family wedding, over the weekend, and that nearly pushed me over the edge.
I cannot "FIGHT" these parts. It doesn't work. I have to be kind. Gentle. Soft. Open.
I agree. Sometimes I fall into "fighting" with them, especially my one, very bitter and petulant part, but it always produces more problems. I did this today, realized it, then defended this part to my other parts (damn, this sounds ridiculous!) as one that was needed, but needs to refocus his energies. That worked MUCH better.
That "should" thinking is really destructive for me. What a strange concept. I think I've always believed that "should" is what good people do. "Need" is dangerous and only for the weak. "Want" is evil.
Wait -- you mean there's something wrong with "should", and "need" and "want" are NOT evil?! This would upend my entire existence! ;)
In the same situation. I'm much better with the "shoulds" -- usually (not so much this weekend, though) -- but the "need/want" thing is still very difficult for me. Asking others for help is, for most of my parts, equivalent to surrendering, giving-up, and even being a user. There IS a happy balance for this that can be lived -- I've seen others achieve it. But, first, we have to convince our own parts of this.
Yes, because you need to be your own mother.....
This I cannot do. It is very, very complicated and I still haven't sorted it out yet, but I know I cannot mother myself. Ever. I'm trying to craft some sort of alternative.
This is definitely one of the hardest things to do. It doesn't come over night, and is heavily dependent upon first developing some self-compassion, and then some self-esteem (ego). Of having a fairly clear concept of the identity of the "adult" (or ANP). "Ego", itself, is not evil or wrong -- in fact, it's essential to help us maintain a solid feeling of what our own identity is, our ability to cope and navigate life's crap, and to identify and connect with others.
If there's anything I can say I've made progress on in the last 2.5 years of therapy, it's in ego development. Not that there still isn't a lot of work to do -- but I was starting from below zero, so the fact that I at least have some ego, now, is definitely progress. :confused:
You can define "self-parenting" anyway you want, but the main thing is that your ANP has to become authoritative, has to be able to corral your inner rugrats when they become rowdy and unruly, frantic and anxious. Much like the woman psychologist in the video you posted. (It's certainly arguable as to whether she was an ANP or a "protector" -- in the context of the video, I'd lean more towards the latter -- but the ANP plays a similar role, just in a much more mature fashion.)
Right now, that may be nigh impossible for you. Although you've said:
Starting to get the hang of preventing myself from getting sucked into the vortex. I did it this morning!
That's being your own parent! Believe it or not. :D
The fact that you "need" and "want", that you crave having parents,
real parents, is not mutually exclusive to being able to serve this role for yourself, as your parts mature over time. In my experience, much of the "need" and "want" has turned-out to be less about "parents", and instead about more fundamental things that parents are supposed to provide, such as
unconditional love,
acceptance, and
affection. These things are the bane of my existence because I haven't yet learned how to provide this for myself or allow myself to connect with others well-enough to get this. In short, our parts need to go through the whole maturity process of weaning themselves from parents to become individuals who can provide for themselves and connect with others beyond the parents. 'Tis a tall order. :meh:
I could want or need for others benefit. Never for myself.
Yup, it's still way easier for me to want/need for others over myself. That's one of the most important, and most difficult, things we need to change, isn't it?
