Relationship Can I Ask You Guys A Question?

[seedling]

ah, that's cute :) My young son used to love wearing jewelry.

In your husband's mind's eye he probably sees him differently. Your son may be someone/something he can identity with and cling to in his pain and confusion.

 

[Meadowsweet]

@Love MyHusband therapy is a slow and gradual process that involves the recipient working with their own mind and exploring different ways of approaching their life. It's not a simple or straight lined process where the therapist comes up with solutions or where analysis will fix things. In this way, what a therapist says is related to the line of thought that is being explored in the context of the session and is only one step of a much bigger process, rather than a 'what is' or an answer.

 

[Friday]

So... The technical name for mimicking tone, body language, etc. when it's beig used as a tool (instead of mocking which is an exaggeration)... Is called "mirroring". And yes. It's a totally valid thing to do, and effective as hell, if you can do it & drop it. Effective 2 ways as it immediately illustrates a behavior to someone who may not be aware of it, and it trains out the coDep response of "They're mad, so I have to be mad" or "They're irritated, so I have to be more irritated" or "They're XYZ so I have to be ABC". It's a deliberate action, instead of a reaction, and then 2 seconds later you're using your regular tone of voice again. Which one is able to do... Because they only put on that reactive emotion for size / to illustrate what's happening... Instead of investing in the reaction.

It's a method of last resort, typically, when verbal communication isn't working. Meaning you've asked them not to whine, yell, etc. and they're swearing up and down they're not or they're "just" _____. It short circuits broken communication patterns, but it's also risky. As the person who is convinced they are *not* yelling, whining, nagging, etc? will usually split in one of two ways : Oh. & stop. Wake up call..... Or total escalation, butthurt, lashing out, blame shifting, kaboooom.

So I'd be surprised a T would recommend it to a new client. I would be willing to lay money on the table that she asked him IF he'd ever done that.

 

[Love MyHusband]

ah, that's cute :) My young son used to love wearing jewelry.

In your husband's mind's eye he probably...

Yeah, that definitely makes more sense now. I just related his bond with him to be more of a nonjudgmental kind of thing.. Like with dogs. Oh man, I just compared my son to a dog. But really husband does bond the most with our dog and our son. I'm happy about that though. I'm glad he finds comfort in our boy. They love each other so much and it melts me heart to see them happy together.

 

[Love MyHusband]

So... The technical name for mimicking tone, body language, etc. when it's beig used as a tool (inst...

Ok thanks for explaining that. It makes a little more sense now, I guess.

Let me give you a recent example of what he is seein as criticism from me. Before his appointment with his therapist yesterday he was getting dressed and he put on a plain polo (which are his work shirts only) and a khaki shorts. For the record, he never wears polos other than for work. So I saw him and commented for the sole reason of making conversation since there is a lack.. I said, "oh you're getting all dressed up, huh? You look nice." He said, "I'm not dressed up. This shirt has a stain in the back".. "Oh well you look more dressed up that usual from the front." .. The he commented how I was criticizing him again and I said that wasn't my intent.

It's little things like that.. I do not nag him or any of that. Maybe I'm in the wrong and don't see it. But we don't fight or argue about it. Idk.. Maybe that was criticizing him...

 

[seedling]

he commented how I was criticizing him again

this would be the kind of example it would be great to go over with the therapist, if/when you get to the point of the three of you being there together. You could investigate just what he felt criticized for and where his reaction is coming from. Not sure if it's something you want to pursue on your own right now. I thought your response was a good one, stated your point of view without attacking his.

I find it really encouraging that he is sharing so much of his therapy stuff with you. Wow, I never was able to do that, esp. in the beginning. I think the two of you have some strong foundations for communication and working things out in the long term for your whole family.

 

[Love MyHusband]

You're right. Maybe I should keep a little record of these interactions for when I do meet up with his therapist. Actually that reminds me to ask about that when he gets home.

He's sharing a decent amount. And actually he opened up to me about something he's been holding inside, so I think that was a real breakthrough as well. I told him that I really appreciate him opening up to me and I am proud of him. Hopefully he will continue on this path and we can work through all this together. :)

 

[Lucycat]

She also gave him the advice to mimic me in my tone when he thinks I am criticizing me to see how I react/feel about it. I don't suspect that will end well

I wonder what exactly he told her that prompted this piece of advice. I don't think it is helpful to you that you are only getting one side of the conversation - ie her advice rather than really knowing what this was in response to.

As others have suggested it seems that if she is giving you advice by proxy ( and actually unless there was a recording you are only getting your husbands interpretation) then you need to speak with her directly.

 

[Love MyHusband]

@seedling I was thinking about your question

I wonder what exactly he told her that prompted this piece of advice. I don't think it is helpful to you...

In my reply a little bit ahead of this post on #29 is piece of dialog between my H and I where he felt I was criticizing him. It happened right before he left for his appointment with his therapist. That might have been what lead him to bring up the fact that he feels I criticize him.

He hasn't used the mimicking/mirroring as of yet, so apparently I'm not criticizing him. As you and others have suggested though, I do plan to ask her about it whenever I meet her though.

 

[JEM]

I think need to clarify, my husband came home yesterday from therapy and those methods are what h...

Frankly, i have never heard a therapist say something like " well you tell your wife i told her to....."
Something fishy here....perhaps your husband wrongly heard his therapist ( to his benefit ) :spitdummy:

 

[Love MyHusband]

Frankly, i have never heard a therapist say something like " well you tell your wife i told her to....."
Some...

Maybe you're right.. I wouldn't be surprised. It sounded kind of self-serving when he said it. Like it was bitchyness towards me. Who knows though, maybe it will be helpful? Lol.. Idk.