Sexual Assault Can I put a situation to you guys

[LucyLou]

Can someone tell me if I'm right to feel some kind of way about this or if I'm just letting past trauma get in the way.

I've been with my partner for 10 years, there have been some issues with consent previous to this, which have been spoken about and it got better.

Even though I was just downstairs, we sometimes send messages to each other. He messaged asking for a cuddle, I said I'd come up, if a cuddle would be enough because I didn't want to do anything else he messaged back saying "well, obviously I wanted more but if you don't want it, then neither do I"

So I went upstairs, we had a cuddle then he starts with "what's wrong with you" "don't you like me anymore" "what about just a quick bl**job" I said No again to then then he said "why aren't you in the mood" he tries to put his hands down there and I push him away, then he starts with back scratches (which is what we always start with) I said you can do that but it doesn't mean it's going to change anything. Then he starts with "you have no idea how uncomfortable it is to have a h*rd on and not be able to do anything about it and in the end, I just gave in and we had s*x. I'm finding the intimate part of the relationship so, so difficult right now. Not just because of him but previous trauma from CSA/r*pe from my ex. I feel like I am adding to all my own crap by just giving in, it just feels easier that way, as messed up as this sounds. My therapist is on hol until 18th, so I can't even speak to her.

Can of feel like this is partly my fault. I should of know what was going to happen

 

[Rose White]

I have a range of feelings about this. First, I totally understand that dynamic—could have written it myself when I was married. And I think women are socially conditioned to give in to men’s sexual desires—especially the older you are, the more likely you received that conditioning. Then throw in a past with sexual assault and you can get the freeze fawn response. Also men are conditioned to deal with their sexuality in ways that I don’t understand.

So all that is stacked up. BUT!

I believe that you and I deserve clear communication and boundaries! I believe that your no is worthy of being respected and not chipped away at with complaints or accusations. I believe that we can have our sexual needs needs met without being manipulated.

I don’t think your trauma is getting in the way, I think your trauma is something you are carrying and that it makes you vulnerable and in need of greater sensitivity and care.

 

[Movingforward10]

It's not your fault.
You've mentioned before about your partner and his inability to hear 'no'.

A caring partner only wants to have sex with you if you want to. Your enjoyment and FULL participation is important. Enthusiastic consent means wanting to do it.

Saying no. Not being heard and continued to be asked again and again until you give in. And then him going through with it so he can have an orgasm is ALL about his needs, and NOT ONE bit about yours.

He has an erection. Not your problem. He's a grown man who can manage his desires in the same way any other adult can.

It's not your fault. But, he isn't going to change. he's going to continue to behave like this. Which you know becuase you experience it.

Do you want things to be different?
Can you make things different if he won't change?

 

[No More]

I think you need to have some really clear discussions with your partner. He absolutely needs to respect your no, but at the same time, it seems like he wants intimacy with you which you don’t want to give him. Which is absolutely your right and fair, but perhaps this is a situation which isn’t going to resolve itself without some proper clear communication about both peoples wants/desires/needs. A relationship is supposed to be a two way street.

You do also need to hold firm on your own boundaries, for yourself. No means no, and he needs to learn that, and you need to be clear that you do mean no, that you will get up/walk away/not engage if he keeps needling at you.

I have noticed from your posts that this situation seems to happen quite frequently. What I would say is, doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome or feeling, doesn’t seem to be working for you. So - what can YOU change, and do differently, so that you aren’t put in this position again?

 

[Muttly]

I've been in situations like yours. One of the things I learned, as I healed was to be more clear about my boundaries. I would think I was being nice and finding a compromise (we can give cuddles, but not sex) set myself up to have my boundaries over powered time and again with people who push boundaries. Part of getting to this point was accepting that the person I was with would do that, which is what your partner sounds like. I'm not judging either of you, in saying this. Some people push, some accommodate, that doesn't necessarily have to be good or bad.

Part of that process for you, may be deciding if you can sexually be with someone who pushes boundaries. For me, I can't. It triggers me and triggers old instincts. My partner now, does not push and in fact at times has backed off without me saying no when he thought I was too tired, upset, or something to make good decisions. I agree with @No More that you both need to talk. It's important to talk and talk regularly about sex if you are having issues. And not at a time when sex has been initiated.

 

[Friday]

I'm finding the intimate part of the relationship so, so difficult right now.

I don’t like having sex with whiners, either. To the point that even if I’m slicker than a baby seal, and my libido is thrumming in my bones, demanding action? Whining puts me right off. Nope. Not happening. Shudder. Still entirely sexed up, just too grossed out.

Don’t get me wrong, I am a huge fan of seduction… Please, change my mind, I dare you; sooo delicious when done right… but whinging, guilt/shame trips, & pouting for a pity f*ck? Is not seduction. It’s not even in the same galaxy as seduction. It’s icky. Skin crawling, I need a shower, icky.

I’m someone who gets the f*ck up out & away …because that BS needs to STOP, NOW… so I totally understand making it go away by (almost) any other means.

Can of feel like this is partly my fault. I should of know what was going to happen

Hope is a terrible thing.

After 10 years with someone? Cha. You know them well enough to predict the outcome, but that doesn’t mean you’ve given up all hope of being wrong.

Which COULD be a way to flank the issue? Make the boundary centered on you being wrong, rather than on their actions. When you discover you are wrong, stand up, kiss them on the head (or whatever smiley/cheerful private language between the two of you thing) keeps it from becoming a fight, and walk away.

 

[Dark.Green.Feathers]

You said you didn’t want to. He said (in a way that I don’t like) that he didn’t want to if you weren’t interested. Why then did he push and guilt you into doing it?

Sex is between two people who want to do it. Not one aroused one and someone they can let out steam on.

You should be able to have non-sexual intimacy without fear of it becoming sexual when you don’t want to engage.

An erection will go away. The feeling of distrust he is giving you? Not so much.

It isn’t your fault. I think every sexual relationship involves partners not being up for sex at the same time. I bet most don’t do what he does.

 

[Mach123]

I don’t like having sex with whiners, either. To the point that even if I’m slicker than a baby seal, and my libido is thrumming in my bones, demanding action? Whining puts me right off. Nope. Not happening. Shudder. Still entirely sexed up, just too grossed out.

Don’t get me wrong, I am a huge fan of seduction… Please, change my mind, I dare you; sooo delicious when done right… but whinging, guilt/shame trips, & pouting for a pity f*ck? Is not seduction. It’s not even in the same galaxy as seduction. It’s icky. Skin crawling, I need a shower, icky.

I’m someone who gets the f*ck up out & away …because that BS needs to STOP, NOW… so I totally understand making it go away by (almost) any other means.


Hope is a terrible thing.

After 10 years with someone? Cha. You know them well enough to predict the outcome, but that doesn’t mean you’ve given up all hope of being wrong.

Which COULD be a way to flank the issue? Make the boundary centered on you being wrong, rather than on their actions. When you discover you are wrong, stand up, kiss them on the head (or whatever smiley/cheerful private language between the two of you thing) keeps it from becoming a fight, and walk away.

This is great stuff.

 

[Hopemeanslife]

Can someone tell me if I'm right to feel some kind of way about this or if I'm just letting past trauma get in the way.

I've been with my partner for 10 years, there have been some issues with consent previous to this, which have been spoken about and it got better.

Even though I was just downstairs, we sometimes send messages to each other. He messaged asking for a cuddle, I said I'd come up, if a cuddle would be enough because I didn't want to do anything else he messaged back saying "well, obviously I wanted more but if you don't want it, then neither do I"

So I went upstairs, we had a cuddle then he starts with "what's wrong with you" "don't you like me anymore" "what about just a quick bl**job" I said No again to then then he said "why aren't you in the mood" he tries to put his hands down there and I push him away, then he starts with back scratches (which is what we always start with) I said you can do that but it doesn't mean it's going to change anything. Then he starts with "you have no idea how uncomfortable it is to have a h*rd on and not be able to do anything about it and in the end, I just gave in and we had s*x. I'm finding the intimate part of the relationship so, so difficult right now. Not just because of him but previous trauma from CSA/r*pe from my ex. I feel like I am adding to all my own crap by just giving in, it just feels easier that way, as messed up as this sounds. My therapist is on hol until 18th, so I can't even speak to her.

Can of feel like this is partly my fault. I should of know what was going to happen

It’s 100% not your fault at all

You have made it clear that you didn’t want anything to happen and the fact he keeps going at you and you gave in anyway means he sexually assaulted you and consent wasn’t given at all it seems quite clear.

If you’ve had issues with this person in the past over consent then that shows that it could potentially happen again unfortunately.

I wouldn’t say you are making it worse for yourself by giving in, sometimes people do give in so they have an easier life and well so they don’t end up being forcefully raped and well in a relationship it’s very hard to put boundaries in place especially if you’ve had problems with that in the past and well any trauma abuse or whatever may have happened in the past doesn’t make it your fault for putting it up with it over and over. Sometimes people just don’t know what else to do and that’s trying to keep themself safe.

It’s hard when therapists go away, seems to always be bad timing in my experience.

Sending you support!