Why can't i hang up?

[Intrepid]

I hate posting here because I have such a hard time communicating my own feelings. I can respond to other people's posts, but starting one myself is a horrible experience. I don't know why.

This last weekend my ex wife asked me if I would get her in touch with my daughter, her step daughter. I told her no, because my daughter didn't want contact. She was abusive toward my daughter and also blamed her for our marital problems. My ex wanted to argue about it, and I spent 5 hours on the phone with her trying to make sense of it. Nothing I said made a difference. This is hauntingly familiar. I went through similar painful conversations with other people.

This always leaves me in the worst place. So, why can't I just hang up the phone? Why do I think a few more words will make the difference? Does anyone else do this?

 

[hodge]

Oh, Intrepid, I did that with my mother for years. A few more words never made any difference with her. I just learned to say my piece and take whatever crap she had to say and end the conversation as soon as possible. And then spend time in bed in my safe place getting over it, blah.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

5 HOURS?!?! Whoa.

Maybe its a matter of laying down boundaries and enforcing them. You were great at not connecting her with your daughter. At that point, it should be end of story, but for some reason you felt like it was your duty to make your ex feel better. It should be "lay down the law, end of story, end of conversation.....no more discussing the topic and move on" If she tries to rope you in again, you walk away, say goodbye and abruptly hang up, etc.

Is there a reason you're in contact with your ex? Do you share custody of children? I'm a firm believer of ex's not staying in contact unless there are kids involved. Otherwise, its just messy, messy, messy, and effectively one is choosing the past over their future. (And who needs that crap? If your past was so great, you'd still be with the ex!)

 

[Meadowsweet]

I've been known to do similar. I think it's like I don't want to stop until everything is ok again.

Can you think how it is related to your trauma?

 

[shimmerz]

My ex wanted to argue about it, and I spent 5 hours on the phone with her trying to make sense of it.

For me, this would have been (as I had a long history of it), with wanting to be understood. I had an incessant and unbending need to be understood. I was like the mouse in the game of cat/mouse.

 

[sun seeker]

For me it would have been "if I can only find a different way of saying this, they'll finally understand." I think this is part of what is called magical thinking, and is very common for those of us with childhood trauma. The truth was, their inability to understand was about them, not about me, but I would keep at it as if hoping the five hundred thousandth time I'd find the right words and everything would be all right. I've (almost) stopped doing this. Wish I could tell you the formula for getting there.

I'm sorry you have such a hard time starting threads. I go through times of feeling like that. Hope you are getting enough out of this one to make it worth taking that step!

 

[hodge]

Sun seeker, I have so been there. I used to spend hours trying to figure out how to appease my mom, what words to say, how to say something. Nothing worked because it was about her. Finally, by some miracle in my late 30s, I learned to only say what I wanted to her and if she wanted to rant at me in a critical way, I'd just hang up.

 

[Intrepid]

Can you think how it is related to your trauma?

Its the same thing most of you have experienced. When I was 13 my mom got a DUI and had to quit drinking. She didn't like it and complained for 3 days. I tried to help, but what did I know. She really wanted to have things her way. It drove me nuts until I just hurt so bad I had to shut off the idea that I could help anyone.

"if I can only find a different way of saying this, they'll finally understand."

Yeah. It was like that, both with my mom, and with my ex wife. I don't think either one wanted to understand. It was more like they wanted to show me that I didn't.