Being Stupid

[Casey_03]

I am being stupid and know I am, but I need you all to slap me in the face. After a few peaceful weeks in Kiev, during which I met and dare say developed feelings for a guy, I am due to head out to the war zone again. And right now, on the eve of my departure, I've just found out that this guy has had a girlfriend the whole time and essentially been using me. Minor, I know. Certainly not the end of the world. But it has made me more resolute in my plan to visit an area in which I am fairly certain I will be detained and probably bused. I have spent months praying for a reason to NOT go into war zones, for some hope for actual warmth. Then I found it, relished in it ... and now, back to the one thing I have brainwashed myself into believing from the get go: that there is no warmth, that people will only use you and spit you back out. And so now I am more determined to put myself in harm's way. Because what have I got to lose? This is my thing. I'm not fit for human warmth and normal relationships. But war? No problem. I have increasingly felt that I am not like everyone else, that there is some reason why I don't mind being shot at. There's my reason: because I'm not capable of, or worthy of human warmth. I'm just something to be used and abused. I realize how illogical this all is, but this feeling is stronger than anything else right now ....

 

[Ronin]

Casey, you're not stupid, and the last thing you need is anyone slapping you, and risking your life for a guy. Give it time, decide about trips later. I'm the last person who should be giving this advice I reckon, but hey.

Another thing: You're your own warm fire, until people come close and add on theirs, making the fire bigger.

You *are* worthy of warmth. That feeling needa move it, it's a bad mirror and lies.

 

[Casey_03]

There is no time, it's already happening, just depends on how far I'm willing to go

 

[Ronin]

You don't have to go, Casey. How far can you go to somewhere safe?

 

[sun seeker]

And so now I am more determined to put myself in harm's way.

I'll say it. Please don't.

I'm not fit for human warmth and normal relationships.

The thing is, the people who have been giving you a model for what relationships are supposed to be like? They're wrong. You haven't gotten to the good stuff yet. Doesn't mean you're not fit for it.

I know it's not as simple as that. It's so hard to take in goodness, accept it, trust it, believe you deserve it. But you can learn, one baby step at a time.

I realize how illogical this all is

It's logical based on your experiences that you would feel this way. I will gently submit this though: you are worthy of so much better. The people who try to convince you otherwise? Screw 'em. They're wrong. Easy to say, hard to do. But you're reaching out asking for opinions, which tells me some part of you does want to take care of yourself and not put yourself in danger. See if you can listen to that part and do what it takes to feed it.