I also went to her funeral but found it all very upsetting and just blocked it all out.
This sentence concerns me. Agree there are many styles of grieving and yes, denial is a common stage most of us pass through at some point in the process. What you describe though sounds different than this dynamic because of its intentionality.
Emotions are comprised of energy. When we block an emotion, or a thought that has an emotion closely tied to it, that energy cannot be felt and released, and thus gets trapped in our body. We are essentially holding it in and stuffing it down. But like a ball held under water, it takes force (energy) to keep it held down. If this becomes habit, more emotional energy gets trapped along with it, until a point at sometime in the future when it starts to leak out or erupts suddenly into the present without warning or explanation.
Trapped emotions can create a host of psychological, emotional and physical symptoms. Sometimes we don't have a choice and have to hold emotions in until a more suitable time for processing. But it's risky to delay this too long, so it's a healthy practice to feel and experience emotions in real time. Some of the PTSD symptomology is likely caused from past emotional energy.
Speaking from experience, please allow your mind, body and spirit to grieve and experience the loss fully. There's no time frame for this to happen, it can be days, months or years. It can resolve now, but surface again in the future with a reminder or trigger. There's no right or best way to accomplish this. Yes, speaking to someone about it like a therapist, friend, or grief support group works for many people. There are online grief support groups that many find helpful. Journalling, crying, wailing, yelling and dancing are all also appropriate, depending on what surfaces. Some cultures have ceremonial rituals where they use their bodies to make sounds and express grief because they intuit the need for release. Others of us grow up in repressed cultures so it feels foreign or even crazy to grieve with our bodies, so we need to coach each other to become more comfortable doing this.
I'm so sorry for your losses. Please seek professional help if this is too hard for you to process alone. Do lean on us here by sharing your experiences and stories because every little bit helps.
