Grr...

[Justmehere]

Because of recent trauma, I am in my state's address confidentiality program. This means the state I live in gives me a generic address to use that goes through the state for all purposes - I use this address for everything from my drivers license to my taxes. All my mail goes to this state address, and then they send it to me at my home. The confidentiality program officials and local law enforcement know my actual home address, but it is unlisted everywhere else. This is one of several efforts to keep me safe from several violent convicted felons involved in perpetrating a recent felony against me. One of these felons was convicted of killing people... several people... It's an awful story how I came to encounter these people. It is a story that ended up in the newspapers and is leading to the change of several laws. (I have been working with one of the senators in my state to make sure the law is changed and no one is put as risk again.) So, it's a big mess, but...

ANYHOW, my primary care doctor moved away recently and transferred my care to his partner. His partner decided I needed to do a full medical history and work up on my first visit with him. I was only somewhat agreeable. It made sense, but it was hard to do on the day that I came in because I was only there for one issue - food poisoning. While trying to deal with that, he began to question me about the PTSD.

I responded differently than usual. I was tired of being pushed around, and when he started to push me around, instead of just saying no and sticking to it, I pushed back. (Verbally, not physically.)

The conversation went like this:

Doctor: What caused the PTSD?
Me: trauma.
Doctor: from whom?
Me: perpetrators. abusers. Can we get back to my nausea and vomiting? My fever has been 103 too. I think it is from some bad chicken I had with a friend who is also sick...
Doctor: what kind of trauma?
Me: awful trauma.
Doctor: I understand that the trauma was awful. When did the trauma happen? Was it physical, sexual? What kind of trauma?
Me: I am really not comfortable talking about this any further today. I just met you 3 minutes ago. I'm here for my fever.
Doctor: I can't help you unless you work with me to help you.
Me: (in a tense tone.) I like doctors who want to work WITH their patients. I am here today for a fever, can you please help me with my fever and vomiting that I'm here for today?

I was fiesty. And avoidant. Eventually he dropped the questioning about the PTSD and trauma history, and he treated the vomiting.

Then he said: My nurse noticed your address is (in a different city two hours away from this clinic). Is this address correct? Do you live that far away?
Me: no, because of the trauma, my address is in the confidential address program. I am legally not allowed to tell you my home address at this time. It's part of the rules of the program. You can contact (advocate) at (local safe house agency) if you want further info.
Doctor: Only paranoid women stay in safe houses. I can send you to our psychiatrist who can help you with that paranoia and your anxiety.
Me: (.....confused and angry glare.... )
Doctor: We need to work on this anger of yours too. And we really do need your home address, the physical location of where you reside.
Me: How about this? I'll give the perpetrator, who was convicted of three murders occurring over a 10 year time span before he also hurt me, I can just text him back in response to his death threats a short text with your office address on it and tell him he and his friends can find me here. I can even give him the time and day of my next appointment? How about that? What is the address here again?
Doctor: I will not put up with this rude behavior. I will call Zofran (nausea medication) into the pharmacy. Otherwise, you need to knock off this attitude.
Me: Ya know, I know of a psychiatrist you can see for that anger you have about me...

The doctor mumbled something about my being "hostile" and walked out.

I'm not usually this kind of feisty with people. I was mad. Really mad. I'm not even sure why. He was just a dumb pushy doctor. They are common. Somehow, it just got to me in a different way and I verbally sparred with him these two times in my effort to keep the most basic boundaries.

I just had enough of being pushed around. I should have said no and walked out when he pushed the boundaries I set, but I didn't.

Here's the thing: while there was no likelihood that I would have sent the address of the doctor's office to the convicted killer/stalker the address, I did want the doctor to feel a moment of fear that I would. I wanted him to feel what it is like to be in my shoes. For half a second.

It's one thing to prove a point about how stupid someone is being. It's another to want them to feel fear. I didn't want him to fear me - not at all. I didn't want to scare him... except maybe I did. I did want him to understand, and I frankly wanted him to be scared for just a moment. I wanted him to feel the NORMAL paranoia that comes with being stalked by a convicted murderer before he continued to pathologize the hell out of me.

Maybe my response was understandable, but the 1/2 second where I wanted him to feel scared, that's what perpetrators do. Many of them seek to cause fear to their victims. That's what I did. I didn't act out or meltdown....but I feel like I took a giant step in the wrong direction - in the direction of becoming like my abusers in the very worst way possible. I don't know what to do about it. Any thoughts? advice? ideas?

 

[hodge]

I think you stood up for yourself. You were not there for any reason related to your trauma and the apparent fact that your doctor did not trust your word because you've had trauma speaks more to him than yourself. He should have just believed you that you were there for food poisoning, which I'm sorry you had, by the way. It's no fun. It sounds to me like you felt pushed into showing him what fear is. I mean, he was asking about your trauma, right? By telling him what fear is, you were in essence telling him what you could about your trauma. I wouldn't worry about it anymore, if I were you. I trust you are not in this world to instill fear in people.

 

[seedling]

I think that maybe there's a separation between what you told him and the feeling of wanting to cause fear in him. He was clearly way out of bounds and you went far enough into what was up to get him to understand what he was getting in to and back off. All I was thinking at that point was "Way to go!"

The feeling you had for 1/2 a second does not make you a perpetrator. We are all human (as are perpetrators, other side of the same coin). The stress and underlying fear of your living situation could cause a general tension in anyone, let alone someone with PTSD. Not nice at all of him to dismiss that there are people who live this way for real for real reasons.

You could examine that feeling you had, where it comes from, let it up and out of yourself. Try to recognize the pain behind it and have compassion for that part of you. I don't think there's a "wrong direction" there. Could you have handled the dumb doctor differently? Yes, but it just wasn't his day for it.

Sometimes the truth just comes out.

 

[scout86]

that's what perpetrators do.

I don't think it exactly is. First, sounds like he wasn't bright enough to BE scared. You didn't escalate to the point where he DID feel the fear. At least it doesn't sound like it. To me, it sounds like you were understandably frustrated with a "professional" who wasn't ACTING very professional and should have known better, and you made an effort to enlighten him. Which is great, because he definitely needs enlightening.

Personally, I think that was well done on your part. He sounds like he needs some continuing education in a few areas. (The program your state has sounds like a great idea!)

Only paranoid women stay in safehouses.

THIS! That is totally outrageous! One of the things he's SUPPOSED to be doing is being alert for signs of domestic abuse and child abuse. So, does he "not think that exists"??????

No, I think YOU did fine, but maybe it's time to go doctor shopping. I'm not sure I could walk back in that office again.

 

[KwanYingirl]

So sorry you got put with that doc. He obviously knows nothing about PTSD, so invalidating, intrusive and out of line. IMO, you were simply asking him to walk in your shoes and not judge you. That's not abusive, you were trying like hell to get your illness treated. By the way, I hope you are feeling better.

 

[finding_my_way]

The doctor acted unethically and was wrong in every way. You had every right to be feisty and the doctor escalated you to a reasonable place of wanting to "get back" at the doctor. I hope you can find a new clinic, because this doctor sounds very ignorant. You are wondering why you wanted him to be afraid, but in asking that question, you feel badly about that sentiment; clearly, you are a good person with a good conscious. You only have to take care of you, not deal with professionals who act anything but.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I think you need to understand the difference between ACTION and RE-ACTION.

Abusers.....most of what they do is "action". You were pushed to the edge and you RE-acted.

This doctor is a grade A d-bag. Telling you that only paranoid women stay in safe houses?!?!

OMFG I want to punch the d-bag in the nuts right now. This is NOT a doctor that you want! That sort of attitude means that he probably thinks that battered women are all victims who make false accusations against their partners, they are paranoid and need to be drugged into submission. SMH.

Please.....RUN from this guy. Please find a new doc! You deserve SOOO much better!

I know the doctor type.....the very nature of education, medical school, residency means that 99% of them haven't ever dealt with any sort of serious, ongoing health issues of their own. Well, unless the health issues hit after they became full fledged doctors. Many go to med school because they "want to help people" but have no clue what it means to be compassionate or understanding. They have no clue what it means to be seriously sick and know that you'll never be operating at 100% again (like the rest of the population). Yes, book smart, but TBH, many are common sense stupid or simply clueless when it comes to the real world.

I've had docs say some pretty stupid things to me over the years.....things that anyone with an ounce of common sense would just sit there and shake their heads at....

Again, please, find a new doc. You deserve better.

 

[hodge]

Yes, on reading through all this . . . what itsKismet said. I think you should find a new doctor, or at least a psychiatrist and therapist. If you can find a clinic where both work in tandem, all the better. That's what I have and it's a real treatment team, which works out very well to my benefit, as they discuss my case and work together for me.

 

[Meadowsweet]

Wow, what an ignorant and idiot ass of a doctor - your frustration about wanting him to understand and help you with what you needed help for is completely understandable. You are 100% normal for feeling what you felt.

As itskismet pointed out, the difference between being a non-abusive person and an abusive person, is in your action, not in your feelings and emotions. You felt it and you didn't act upon it. But more than that, you dislike that feeling so much that you are responding to it by seeking help and advice and that conscience is what separates you from abusers.

What I see in your story, is a doctor that seriously needs to re-train in both mental health and professional conduct, and then a patient that was ill and seeking help and was frustrated at the complete lack of understanding or empathy and the prejudice shown by the doctor.