Relationship Do We Give Them A Pass Too Much Because Of Their Ptsd?

[catlover26]

I am new and learning more about ptsd. Some of you may have read my several recent posts but if not my guy is a Vietnam vet. I consider myself a very patient person but how much is he using his past as an excuse for his behavior and things he gets by saying to me. I am emotional and I know he has been patient with me also. Not that I have lost my temper about anything.

He will not talk to me anymore at night on the phone and said last night after he talked several times helping this lady in a nursing home that "at least they don't argue". That was really aimed at me but he was trying to deny it. He knew I was hurt but I had to keep my cool. We don't really have arguments either. He doesn't like any kind of conflicting talk. At his age he finds it hard to understand and also because he lived like a loner for so many years. He is better than he used to be. He just doesn't understand our discussions are part of a normal, healthy relationship.

 

[catlover26]

I really don't mean to offend anyone. I know your guys have been through hell. I cannot imagine. And they need our love and support. I am just speaking for how by Vet is acting and it might just be his personality that tends to want to feel sorry for himself too much.

 

[Sighs]

Hi @catlover26. This is a topic which comes up a lot on the forum. You'll get a range of opinions from "PTSD is not an excuse for anything - hold them up to "normal" standards in a relationship" to "all the "normal" relationship rules go out the window when PTSD is in the picture".

I think the key issue is what are YOU prepared to give a pass on. Personally I put up with some pretty awful behaviour because I know that he is dissociating when it occurs and that he is not fully aware of it. But I will not put up with cheating or with being hit.

Some supporters have told their sufferers "you cannot disappear and leave me worried you are lying in a ditch somewhere so you need to make contact every 24 hrs even when you are isolating". Others know their sufferer will disappear for a while and not get back to them and they can deal with that.

The key thing is that you need to identify your needs and then see if he can meet them. If not, then maybe this isn't the relationship for you. And that's ok too. You're not a bad person if you decide that he can't give you want you need - whether due to his PTSD or his personality or his age or whatever.

 

[catlover26]

So true! I go to a counselor and she doesn't understand at all. We have been to a neat ice cream shop a few times but he is not wanting to go out anywhere anymore for some reason. She actually told me to say one night , 'Well I think I'm just going to go eat ice cream" and leave. Wow, what good would that have done. Just create a lot of problems that would have been worse for sure.

I ask myself sometimes why do I hang on? I do because for short periods of time he will be more like he used to be when we first met. It may not last but it is still there.

 

[hodge]

Speaking as someone who has PTSD, I will say that before I was diagnosed and got help, I was pretty awful to my husband. He is the best guy in the world, but I took everything out on him for quite a few months. I am so lucky he stayed with me. But I realized eventually that there was something terribly wrong and I needed help, so I went to get counseling and that's when I found out it was PTSD. I have never used it as an excuse. This is my baggage, which he had absolutely nothing to do with. And I have been working to take care of it for many years now. I am happy to say that shortly after I started therapy, I stopped taking stuff out on my beloved hubby, and we have had a great relationship ever since. That said, I've also been on the receiving end of emotional abuse, when nothing was my fault. I hope things work out for you. I hope my story helps you have some perspective. Maybe it will even help your guy. I hope so, anyway.

 

[Sighs]

There is never an excuse but there is always a reason. If the reason makes sense to you then you can respond with compassion.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

@catlover26,

I am a sufferer myself. Stop me if I'm totally off base, but I think that while your therapist may not fully understand, she does have a point when she says that you should go out and get ice cream by yourself if you want ice cream. In a healthy relationship, each party can and should do things by themselves. That is, there is no need for the couple to do everything together. I honestly think that if he doesn't want ice cream, he also has no right to say that you must stay home because he doesn't want to go out. I think that it is important for couples to do couple type activities, but at the same time, having your own individual activities is good, too.

He is "suffering" and isolating. That doesn't mean that you have to stay by his side 24/7 and isolate, too.

 

[catlover26]

Well we are not married. I only go over there to his place 2 maybe 3 nights a week. So that is why I would not want to 'start' something and just leave. We are only together a short period of time each week.

 

[Sweetpea76]

What @Sighs says about you deciding what you expect or can tolerate in a relationship is so true. Even if he PTSD and issues, he is still responsible for his part of the relationship. He may not be able to "pull his weight" all the time, especially if he is symptomatic, but he is part of the relationship too. It takes effort on both partner's parts. One person cannot do everything.

 

[Wastinglight]

I am new and learning more about ptsd. Some of you may have read my several recent posts but if not m...

Hi @catlover26. Other posters have already summed up much of what I have to say, but there were a few specific things that resonated with me, especially the bits about not wanting conflict and suddenly not wanting to go to the ice cream store. This sounds a lot like some of my guy's behavior. Recently I discovered that he has a comorbid diagnosis of agoraphobia/panic disorder. This essentially means that he often tries to avoid situations where he thinks he might have panic attack. This includes not only more obvious scenarios like driving and crowded shopping centres but also any physical state that mimics the symptoms of a panic attack. For example, sex, heated arguments, exercise.

Now I'm not suggesting that your guy also has agoraphobia, I've mentioned the above example because, as soon as I started to understand why he was behaving a certain way, I was able to remove a lot of the emotion from my reaction, and be more supportive. So yeah, I do give him a pass on a lot of things, but it's usually because I understand he's doing the best he can at that moment.

I too am a very emotional person and especially the lack of sex makes me look inward for a cause. That's why this forum is so great. Being able to vent and seek support from others who understand is a crucial part of our own self care. Even so, some days are just HARD..

 

[catlover26]

Hi @catlover26. Other posters have already summed up much of what I have to say,...

Thanks! What you said makes a lot of sense. It could be something like a panic attack or like an out of control feeling. I know when he drove me to a doctor out of town once he gets very nervous with trucks driving around, etc and can get angry at them easily. So it can be that he can't control his emotions/anger in some situations.

He admitted to me last year when we first disagreed about something and I told him that I can't meet his expectations because he set me up on a pedestal. He explained it as setting our relationship on a pedestal. So I guess somehow he thought we would just have fun and not have any kind of conflicting discussions. Like you said he just can't handle that kind of tension. I am going to try to do what I can to only address the things that are very important because I do get emotional (not mad) and have talked about some things I wish could change that really looking back on it were silly. I told him that the other night. All of this working out differences between someone else is new to him because of his Alcoholic past. I asked him that specifically because I wanted him to be aware that he is not used to it. I also ,even been married 30 years, lived with someone who would walk away most times when I tried to discuss something.

So he really has come a long way. We had several what I thought were break ups last year after having some discussions. He would say he just could not take any more of it..... But then after that happened a few times he told me he wasn't really trying to break up. He is quite a complex person but I do love him and he loves me. So I will keep working at it and I think he will too.

I appreciate you replying and everything you said!!