Parent Trouble

[bibi]

I'm new here but I've been reading posts and enjoy the community. I was sexually abused by my grandma for nine years. It started when I was four. I have been using emdr therapy for over a year now with success. I love my therapist. I've made great progress. I'm 38 years old now and started having flashbacks when my second son was born. I was diagnosed with ptsd over a year ago.
Here's my problem. I hope you guys can help! My dad's mom was the abuser. Since this had come out my mother had become resentful of everything, especially my dad. She blames him for the abuse. She feels he should of done something. Neither one of them knew,tho, she blames him.
I understand that I can't make my mom move past this but since I'm moving asking with therapy my life is slowly opening. I've started seeing someone and he knows all about what happened to me. He's very supportive and let's me do what I need while being there for me. He's comforting to me and we don't have sex. He's also patient. My mom doesn't trust me. She says that all my past relationships were horrible and this will be the same. What can I do? I've worked so hard and this relationship is healing for me but she's convinced I don't know what I'm doing. She hates this man and won't give him a chance. I live with my mom. I just started working the last couple weeks. I didn't work for two years when I was first diagnosed. So, seeing him creates tension due to my mom's attitude. What can I do? I feel like her hate and general distrust comes from her own feelings about the abuse and not related personally to this man.

 

[HëllaBubz]

I'm so sorry you went through this, I did too.

Firstly, the best lesson I ever learned is that you are NOT, IN ANY WAY, responsible for how your mother feels or reacts to this.

Your mother not trusting you is probably why you didn't trust her......kids act how they are treated.

Not at all. Not your problem. Your mother is a grown adult and needs to sort her own shit out. You, the victim and survivor, simply don't need that crap.

So if you can, ignore it, and tell her "um, hello, I don't care how you are coping with this, stop being selfish, I'm the one that suffered so how about some stfu and support?"

If she won't, keep in mind, your man is your new family. He comes before your mother. Full stop. Not your problem, and her hatred is her own hang up that seems like she thinks will influence how you act.

Love your man, yourself, your darling children and drop kick anyone who rains on that.

Life is waaaay too short.

 

[Friday]

If your father knew his mom was a pedophile? He is as much responsible for your abuse as your abuser. Of course your mom would blame him. If he knowingly put you at risk, it's his fault. The same way it would be your fault if you took your own child to your grandmother to be sexually abused, knowing that's what she does, and lied to your husband so he cannot protect his own child. That would be you and your grandmother collaborating to rape his baby. It's about 12 different kinds of betrayal. May as well tell your spouse you're taking your toddler to the park or the ice cream shop, but take them to the freeway and leave them to "play" instead, and then claim not to be responsible because you weren't the one who actually ran them over and didn't "know" it would happen.

There are some really standard things that happen to parents of children that have been kidnapped, killed, raped by someone they trusted. One of those things being PTSD.

I'm not going to sit here & diagnose your mom (lol... For many, many, many reasons... Least of which is Im not a doctor!), but the symptoms you describe? The paranoia, hypervigilient about your safety, untrusting, unable to let go of the past, lashing out at any perceived threat to you, etc.? PTSD is one of the things that fits. So do a helluva lot of other things.

Since you have PTSD... I would suggest trying to deal with your mom & men in your life the same way you deal with yourself when you're triggered. See if that has any effect / if that helps.

 

[bibi]

If your father knew his mom was a pedophile? He is as much responsible for your abuse as your abuser...

I'm not sure my dad knew or not. He hasn't said and he acts like he didn't. My mom insists that he did in some way and she feels that he ignored the fact that he knew on some level. My father has been more supportive than my mom.

 

[bibi]

I'm so sorry you went through this, I did too.

Firstly, the best lesson I ever learned is that you...

Thank you!!! That made my head a lot clearer. Should I try to talk to her about this? Will it make a difference? Lol

 

[HëllaBubz]

It did not make a difference for me. I just retriggered myself and got nowhere. She made bullshit excuses or said she went through the same thing so it wasn't so bad, and he called me a liar and poisoned me against my siblings.

I loathe both of them, I look forward to hearing of all three of their deaths so I can publish a nice letter saying I approve.

 

[Deleted member 29920]

@TheBubzilla, your family sound just as sh*t as mine. Suffered csa at hands of both parents. Look forward to their demise. :dead:

 

[bibi]

Lol! My mom said the exact same thing. Thanks guys! You rock!

 

[scout86]

Here's another thought. Maybe your mom feels guilty because SHE didn't protect you and she's blaming your dad as a form of denial? Because, for her, it works better than blaming herself. Because if NEITHER of them knew about "Grandma" (and they might not have) then they are equally "responsible" but are handling that differently now. Blame is not a real useful thing.

What ever the case, this is your mother's problem but she's most likely going to try to make it your problem too. I suppose because of my own experiences, I'm amazed at how many adults are still living with their parents. My first suggestion would be that you get out of there ASAP. You're going to have to put up with her criticism, second guessing, and undermining your efforts as long as she has a hold on you. (Longer than that, really, but it gets better when you really don't need them for anything.) Meanwhile, don't give her ammunition. She doesn't need to know where you're going or who you're with, for example. A friend of mine refers to this as "treating them like a mushroom. You keep them in the dark and cover them with BS.)

 

[HëllaBubz]

treating them like a mushroom. You keep them in the dark and cover them with BS.

Omg genius. Gotta tell my siblings about this one.

 

[bibi]

My, oh, my that is genius!