I Just Beat Myself Up

[Deleted member 1860]

I hate feeling like this! I have a good day, a good week, whatever....and then my symptoms spike again. I think that i am doing well and can plan more in my life....but then the anxiety monster comes roaring back so I end up changing my plans. (Its not just because of the anxiety, its because if I force myself to continue with the plans, I risk making the anxiety worse, and since I have other things that MUST be done, I can't take that risk.....I don't want it to sound like I just run from my anxiety 24/7 and avoid it without dealing with it, because that's not the case. Its a matter of prioritization. If I am feeling good, I can do more. If I am very anxious, I do less because I must do certain things that are important but other things that aren't important get let go.)

I hate how everything is so precarious! I hate how my life is always a juggling act. I know I can't say this to normal people because they'd just say "oh, its like that for EVERYONE"......maybe true, but with PTSD, I think its on a different level in that you have to whittle things down to the bare basics at some points. Friends go by the wayside, family goes by the wayside, sometimes even parts of basic functioning go by the wayside....

I just beat myself up because I can't function like normal. I beat myself up when I have to change my plans. I beat myself up because i am not like everyone else! (Please no arguments on "normal" being subjective and such. I think we all know that those with PTSD do function on varying levels that differ from non-PTSD people.....and this is what I lump under the "normal/non-normal" umbrella.)

I just want to be OK! I just want to be able to do things that I have planned to do. I just want to have some sort of predictability in my life. The unpredictability is my biggest hurdle to overcome. Accomplishing much in life does require a certain level of predictability.....and while I don't deny that I do have my good times, its the unpredictability which makes things so very, very difficult.

Thanks for listening. I'm feeling a bit better now. I have planned out the rest of my day, even though the morning was rough. I hope it goes well.

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear @itsKismet , just because the day starts badly doesn't mean it has to end that way. (I know it's hard to dump the self-recriminations & self-judgment & disappointment.) A juggling act is a good way to put it. I think the primary difference with non-ptsders (that aren't battling other primary issues, anyway- & I try to remember I may have no idea- in fact I assume they may have lots/ lots of terrible wounds) is possibly it's about juggling events & demands/ tasks/ requirements, rather than also battling (along with that) our physical & emotional stuff. It's exhausting & un-nerving. :( I feel ill myself at the moment. Plus I dread tomorrow, despite myself.

Not sure if it's helpful but if possible doing small things that are 'contra-indicated' to what our minds tell us for invisibility & safety & isolation etc might help. For example, wednesday I put on shorts, & a dress. (Sounds weird but it was hard for me, past history). Also, if you can be honest with anyone or anywhere safe, I think it reduces pressure.

I think of the saying (for daily demands/ ptsd devastation & exhaustion & temptations to disappear entirely), "How do you eat an elephant? -In small bites".

 

[Chava]

I hate how everything is so precarious!

ME TOO.

I beat myself up because i am not like everyone else!

I'm not going to argue this. I do this too. There is an overwhelming amount of things I hope to change, but the not making comparisons does come closely around first for me...or it's tied in there with acceptance. Everything else is somewhat more possible if I can just focus on where I'm at. Sorry if this sounds preachy or whatever. I can admit to you that I suck at all of this, but am at least aware of what gets me more stuck.

I just want to be OK! I just want to be able to do things that I have planned to do. I just want to have some sort of predictability in my life. The unpredictability is my biggest hurdle to overcome. Accomplishing much in life does require a certain level of predictability.....and while I don't deny that I do have my good times, its the unpredictability which makes things so very, very difficult.

I relate to all of this. I'm in some sort of big messy in-between where none of my old patterns of coping work and I easily think newer ones are shit. If something doesn't help 100% I give up on it too easily. Much of my unpredictability comes from chronic pain (seems tied to trauma and/or general emotional stuff but it's hard to tease out or explain). I want to make more positive connections with others but fear committing to anything and letting others down. Also, if I'm in some pain, I don't relate well...I'm subdued and cranky, so easier to isolate than just let others form negative opinions of me. It's hard to get anywhere.

For me, that's all about control...and feeling like I don't have sufficient control over my pain, my symptoms, or my life in general. Do routine things help you gain any sense of predictability or control? Easy things like a little walk every day, or some meditation or reading, or whatever you like to do? I'm working on this because I'm very ungrounded...and any sort of routine good experience, the sort of thing I can do no matter what, seems extra important. Also working on acceptance stuff. It's hard...not knowing what parts to accept for now and what to actively work on changing...overwhelming if I try to change everything. Hang in there. It certainly does suck, so mainly saying I relate to that...and also the good times followed by various forms of crashing (I actually don't tolerate feeling good, which has been a bizarre thing to admit to myself and work on carefully).

 

[hodge]

I know how you feel, itsKismet. I used to beat up on myself a lot because I can't do what I used to be able to do. Like work full-time, volunteer, go here and there with friends or whatever. It is a daily struggle for me to accept where I am, and that my main job now is to take care of myself, do my relaxation exercises, mindfulness exercises, eat, physical exercise. It feels so pathetic compared to what I used to accomplish. But it is my new normal, well, not so new, but still feels new. Sometimes I look at my avatar, my late dog, and think, wouldn't it be nice if I could just be like her and accept that so much of life might now be about lying around and relaxing?

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I can so remember all of this and so relate and empathize. Three years ago my anxiety was through the roof and I had to arrange my life around it. I felt so much better the next day and could pick up and get it done. It does get better with time and effort and practice all the coping skills you have.

I still have times when I have way too much anxiety and take the best care of myself that I can. I used to win awards in beating myself up and do not do that anymore but I still have days when it is a struggle to still the inner abusers.

You are so normal for what you have been through.

 

[Recovery4Me]

@itsKismet ... I thought perhaps, I offer some :hug::hug:'s (if you accept). It has been a while, since I have ran across your thoughts on the board and actually have been thinking of you. Hope today starts better for you: you deserve a gentle morning!

 

[Deleted member 1860]

just because the day starts badly doesn't mean it has to end that way.

Very true! I think that posting helped me get my frustration out of my system. Shortly afterwards I was able to settle a bit and decided to make my day productive. I had a bit of anxiety to fight through, but I'm glad I just didn't throw in the towel on the entire day (like I've been famous for doing in the past.)

Not sure if it's helpful but if possible doing small things that are 'contra-indicated' to what our minds tell us for invisibility & safety & isolation etc might help.

I think you're right. I know that sometimes its a good idea to batten down the hatches and just focus on self care, but other times its best to push through the symptoms so that we don't become a slave to our anxiety.

I think of the saying (for daily demands/ ptsd devastation & exhaustion & temptations to disappear entirely), "How do you eat an elephant? -In small bites".

I love this quote! I will remember it for those difficult days.

Sorry if this sounds preachy or whatever.

No, you don't sound preachy, just helpful!

I can admit to you that I suck at all of this, but am at least aware of what gets me more stuck.

I suck at it all too, and I also know what gets me more stuck! (But that doesn't always prevent me from doing it....sometimes its easier to do whatever it is that keeps me stuck.)

If something doesn't help 100% I give up on it too easily.

I can be the same way! And then I remember how It took me NINE months for meditation to have a noticeable effect for me. Nine months!?! I wouldn't have stuck with it unless I had my therapist pushing me to do it the whole time. But, when it worked, it hit me like a ton of bricks and I was a believer!

I want to make more positive connections with others but fear committing to anything and letting others down.

I am the same way. I know I am getting better, but I know my symptoms will continue to spike. I fear those spikes because when they're bad, I need to withdraw and take care of myself. I hate disappointing others.

Also, if I'm in some pain, I don't relate well...I'm subdued and cranky, so easier to isolate than just let others form negative opinions of me. It's hard to get anywhere.

I don't have chronic pain issues, but I do know what you mean....I know when I'm not feeling physically well for whatever reason, I get cranky, too, and just want to be by myself. I know it must be a difficult hurdle to overcome.

Do routine things help you gain any sense of predictability or control?

OMG YES! Sometimes I go through periods of a month or so or even more where I eat nothing but the same food. One time it was cheerios. Another time it was Oreo Cakesters. LOL, not the healthiest food I admit! (Of course then I get sick of it and won't touch it for another 3 years....) I have a favorite TV show on DVD and I am not exaggerating when I say I have seen each season over 100 times. It is constantly playing when I'm in my room and the only time I deviate is when I REALLY need a pick me up and start watching Christmas/Holiday movies. (I've seen most of them dozens and dozens of times, too.) I have other weird little things that I do over and over again. I find tons of comfort in repetition.

Like work full-time, volunteer, go here and there with friends or whatever.

I think it would shock me if I could ever work full time again. I fear that if I am able to work full time, that will be my ENTIRE life and I won't have any energy to do anything else. I will continue to push forward, but that is definitely a very real fear for me. (And if that were to come true, I think my symptoms would spiral again as I know I need multiple outlets in my life in order to stay balanced and healthy.)

It is a daily struggle for me to accept where I am, and that my main job now is to take care of myself, do my relaxation exercises, mindfulness exercises, eat, physical exercise.

I think its good that you're learning to accept where you are now. I know that was a huge struggle for me when I was first diagnosed. I kept on putting myself down with the "should's"......I SHOULD be working, I SHOULD be able to handle relationships, I SHOULD be able to function.... But, anymore I get frustrated with how society puts so much value on what you do rather than who you are.

Three years ago my anxiety was through the roof and I had to arrange my life around it.

I know what you mean. I still have to do this. If I have an "active" day, then I need to have a rest day afterwards (and preferably before, too). Its why I hate last minute stuff, because it doesn't give me time to.....well, maximize my good time!

You are so normal for what you have been through.

Thank you for saying this!

I thought perhaps, I offer some :hug::hug:'s (if you accept).

Yes, I do accept them! (I am learning to accept hugs.) :hug::hug:

 

[Tinyflame]

@itsKismet I must rush atm but you are not disappointing others (who care for you) because they would want you to feel better & get on steady ground.

(PS, I'm glad you are getting to do 'cyber hugs'. :) :hug: ;) )

 

[Recovery4Me]

(PS, I'm glad you are getting to do 'cyber hugs'. :) :hug: ;) )

Me too! Sometimes it just seems like the right thing to do. :hug: I know Junebug has hugged me out of my moods so many times, I had nicknamed her hugbug. (Truth) lol

 

[Tinyflame]

Der @Recovery4Me I like that one! :) :inlove: :hug:

 

[Laurie2001]

I don't write much but I can totally relate to this. There are days my anxiety is so bad I can't get out of bed - I feel frozen. It's gotten better, but still I get so down on myself for not being able to do what others can. Even the simplest projects. I can take care of my daughter, work part time and have a good relationship with my husband, which is a lot. But the mood swings and the anxiety are trecherous (sp?) as is the self criticism.