Hi all,
I am new to the forum so apologies if some or all of these topics and questions have been covered – but I would really love some advice.
I have been in a relationship for six months with a lovely girl (she is 26 I am 32) who has PTSD after being badly beaten during two previous relationships which all ended two years ago.
She is seeking treatment and has regular therapy.
Everything was great for the first four months and I'm not ashamed to say I fell for her. She was very upfront about her PTSD and I comforted her during night terrors and tried to leave her alone when she zoned out. I learnt how to touch her without her jumping six feet in the air.
I may not have done everything as well as I could have, like I would sometimes take things personally when I blurred the lines between what was the PTSD and what was the relationship.
After everything going great she tried to break up with me twice last month.
She told me that I made her feel 'too safe', that she 'didn't deserve me' and that I'd be better off without her.
After talking to her about it and getting back together the next day she said that she was fine until she started having real feelings for me. Those caused her to back away.
We had a discussion about boundaries and for a week or so we saw each other less and texted less – which I assured her was fine when she was in shutdown mode.
Then she perked back into life and for two weeks it was great again and she was back to herself again.
Then this weekend she split up with me again and I can't get through to her. She says she is 'not in love with me anymore'.
It is very hard in my head to separate the PTSD from the relationship but I am trying very hard to not be angry with her as I'm sure it's not her fault.
She doesn't deserve to be going through this but I feel helpless to help her.
I haven't heard from her apart from a text that said she just 'can't be with me'.
Today I sent her this message:
“I am truly sorry for what you are going through and I understand you can't bring yourself to talk to me.
“You don't need me as a friend, you have plenty of those, you need me as more than that to get you through this even though you can't see it right now.
“And being together in this, in what ever form that takes is the only way I can support you - that was my one boundary.
“If you had talked to me before you split up with me we could have worked something out.
“I would have done anything you wanted to make it easier while you are going through a shutdown - I was there, we shouldn't have had to lose each other.
“If you want my help, love and support it's still all there for you babe but it cannot be as friends.
“You were my priority and I didn't mind that, because I knew there is an amazing woman there that I would happily sacrifice for.
“I love you and would do anything for you.
“If you want that we can talk about it, but not being together, even in the loosest terms, while you get better is my one boundary.
“I don't know if you understand or have fallen too much into a PTSD shutdown to know but I am here for you on those terms if you ever want to talk about it.
“If not I wish you all the luck in the world with it because you deserve to get better and be happy.
“I'll hear from you when you are feeling more like you deserve what I can give you but can't see it right now because of this illness.
“I'll be waiting. You know where I am.”
“xxxx”
Is that fair or too harsh? Am I wrong to want to still be with her? Will she come back or does she mean it deep down? Should I just leave it be and move on? Tell her something else?
It's all very confusing and devastating.
I am new to the forum so apologies if some or all of these topics and questions have been covered – but I would really love some advice.
I have been in a relationship for six months with a lovely girl (she is 26 I am 32) who has PTSD after being badly beaten during two previous relationships which all ended two years ago.
She is seeking treatment and has regular therapy.
Everything was great for the first four months and I'm not ashamed to say I fell for her. She was very upfront about her PTSD and I comforted her during night terrors and tried to leave her alone when she zoned out. I learnt how to touch her without her jumping six feet in the air.
I may not have done everything as well as I could have, like I would sometimes take things personally when I blurred the lines between what was the PTSD and what was the relationship.
After everything going great she tried to break up with me twice last month.
She told me that I made her feel 'too safe', that she 'didn't deserve me' and that I'd be better off without her.
After talking to her about it and getting back together the next day she said that she was fine until she started having real feelings for me. Those caused her to back away.
We had a discussion about boundaries and for a week or so we saw each other less and texted less – which I assured her was fine when she was in shutdown mode.
Then she perked back into life and for two weeks it was great again and she was back to herself again.
Then this weekend she split up with me again and I can't get through to her. She says she is 'not in love with me anymore'.
It is very hard in my head to separate the PTSD from the relationship but I am trying very hard to not be angry with her as I'm sure it's not her fault.
She doesn't deserve to be going through this but I feel helpless to help her.
I haven't heard from her apart from a text that said she just 'can't be with me'.
Today I sent her this message:
“I am truly sorry for what you are going through and I understand you can't bring yourself to talk to me.
“You don't need me as a friend, you have plenty of those, you need me as more than that to get you through this even though you can't see it right now.
“And being together in this, in what ever form that takes is the only way I can support you - that was my one boundary.
“If you had talked to me before you split up with me we could have worked something out.
“I would have done anything you wanted to make it easier while you are going through a shutdown - I was there, we shouldn't have had to lose each other.
“If you want my help, love and support it's still all there for you babe but it cannot be as friends.
“You were my priority and I didn't mind that, because I knew there is an amazing woman there that I would happily sacrifice for.
“I love you and would do anything for you.
“If you want that we can talk about it, but not being together, even in the loosest terms, while you get better is my one boundary.
“I don't know if you understand or have fallen too much into a PTSD shutdown to know but I am here for you on those terms if you ever want to talk about it.
“If not I wish you all the luck in the world with it because you deserve to get better and be happy.
“I'll hear from you when you are feeling more like you deserve what I can give you but can't see it right now because of this illness.
“I'll be waiting. You know where I am.”
“xxxx”
Is that fair or too harsh? Am I wrong to want to still be with her? Will she come back or does she mean it deep down? Should I just leave it be and move on? Tell her something else?
It's all very confusing and devastating.
