Brennan Joseph
New Here
I'm 43
Male
Divorced
Father of two
not quite a survivor of Child Sex Abuse (and other trauma)
I decided to give myself a name because the one I was given when I was born was forced on me like everything else. This has given me some direction but not peace. I was originally diagnosed as C-PTSD with possible Dissociation but full blown DID is more accurate. I have just started therapy "again" but this time with a center that specializes in Rape Crisis. I'm still in Crisis. I do need to some support with others who are going through the cycle that I am living -- stable -- crash! -- EVERYTHINGS FINE! -- Change a direction to something new (but really isn't) alters go insane and take control of "my" body, hide "my" notes, clothes, etc. Its been insane lately. Early in the day, I feel like "my" old preteen self but I can't do anything like an adult. Things I've done a hundred times but now it seems new. I think its because I'm actually not screaming at myself to do anything, like my mother use to before she beat me or when I was raped by other family. Right now, I am the 43 year old depressed, hopelessly me. The sundowning "me" the real me calls it. He also says I'm the werewolf. I can see him, feel him looking at me type this. But "we" -- I -- need to talk with more people like me (us). We -- are one person. We -- I have to learn to share this body.
This is the original post when I signed up for this forum on June 15, 2015
"-- I'm new to this thread, seems abit late. I have C-PTSD with multiple diagnosis but they are all off base. The CPTSD with DID is more accurate, I have fragments but they are very powerful. I was raped as a toddler, earliest memory is probably close to 3 or just before. I can see myself as one little boy and then suddenly as two little boys, like ghosts. I am or was a writer, I have the ability to put my thoughts on paper, I don't know if that means I am intelligent or not, but I have a vivid imagination. I've lived my entire life through my fantasies since I was young. My experiences are through television and movies and I've taken on characteristics and lives of characters in movies, anime, martial arts, particularly star wars. My alters are very strong, sometimes I'm aware, then sometimes I can't remember what I just did. I find notes I've written in different handwriting but there is no one else who could've written the notes except me. I have alters that have names, some don't, some I can hear their voices, some of them I don't but I am communicating with them outloud. Feelings are associated with certain words and thoughts. I am currently in the mindset that the former host died and I am replacing him (Because he did an awful job living for the body). There was a funeral for him, letters sent to the parents (this actually did not happen in reality) and now I am living the life, but sharing with the alters, which is difficult because some of them are not willing to co-operate, there is one that is very angry (hurt seems more appropriate because calling him angry angers him!), he's the defender I guess. I think I am a better sharer than the last host but I am still learning to do this since I am basically 3 months old. I have limited abilities on my own but I can do more with the co-operation with the others as long as they don't get upset and deceive me, or mislead me which is hard to tell but I'm getting the symptom's down when triggers occur, like now, social networks has been an issue in the past but I need some info on this, particularly since I'm aware some of the time but always. I know there's co-conscious, when I can function as an adult but without it I am like a 43 year old with a 3 year old emotions with limited vocabulary. I'm trying to schedule an FMRI scan for this month. Any help would be very much appreciated.
Symptoms I've noticed when triggered:
Sweating
Covering mouth, face, eyes
Hiding face, burying in knees
covering mouth to speak out so no one else can hear (when in public places especially places where abuse took place ie "church"
trying to get approval of people reminding me of past abusers
loving abusing women even though they are different race of my mother but just like her (look like women i've seen on tv/movies)
different tones in voice and posture during switch during times of stress
pain in body, especially headaches, stomach, shoulders, joints, chest
feels like there's a fist gripping my heart, burns, even though blood pressure is normal
voices persecute especially when reading the bible (mother use to read scripture before she beat me, told me God would destroy me at end of world)
One alter speaks another language but the language isn't real
One alter is Hispanic
One alter is female
One alter maybe gay but this might be the female (not sure)
One alter heretic/religious fanatic (maybe)
I think I'm triggering them so I'll end the post now.
Hope to hear back soon.
Brennan --" End
Confused, scared, alone (not really) definitely misunderstood.
Hoepfully this will change with me reaching out.
- Brennan
Male
Divorced
Father of two
not quite a survivor of Child Sex Abuse (and other trauma)
I decided to give myself a name because the one I was given when I was born was forced on me like everything else. This has given me some direction but not peace. I was originally diagnosed as C-PTSD with possible Dissociation but full blown DID is more accurate. I have just started therapy "again" but this time with a center that specializes in Rape Crisis. I'm still in Crisis. I do need to some support with others who are going through the cycle that I am living -- stable -- crash! -- EVERYTHINGS FINE! -- Change a direction to something new (but really isn't) alters go insane and take control of "my" body, hide "my" notes, clothes, etc. Its been insane lately. Early in the day, I feel like "my" old preteen self but I can't do anything like an adult. Things I've done a hundred times but now it seems new. I think its because I'm actually not screaming at myself to do anything, like my mother use to before she beat me or when I was raped by other family. Right now, I am the 43 year old depressed, hopelessly me. The sundowning "me" the real me calls it. He also says I'm the werewolf. I can see him, feel him looking at me type this. But "we" -- I -- need to talk with more people like me (us). We -- are one person. We -- I have to learn to share this body.
This is the original post when I signed up for this forum on June 15, 2015
"-- I'm new to this thread, seems abit late. I have C-PTSD with multiple diagnosis but they are all off base. The CPTSD with DID is more accurate, I have fragments but they are very powerful. I was raped as a toddler, earliest memory is probably close to 3 or just before. I can see myself as one little boy and then suddenly as two little boys, like ghosts. I am or was a writer, I have the ability to put my thoughts on paper, I don't know if that means I am intelligent or not, but I have a vivid imagination. I've lived my entire life through my fantasies since I was young. My experiences are through television and movies and I've taken on characteristics and lives of characters in movies, anime, martial arts, particularly star wars. My alters are very strong, sometimes I'm aware, then sometimes I can't remember what I just did. I find notes I've written in different handwriting but there is no one else who could've written the notes except me. I have alters that have names, some don't, some I can hear their voices, some of them I don't but I am communicating with them outloud. Feelings are associated with certain words and thoughts. I am currently in the mindset that the former host died and I am replacing him (Because he did an awful job living for the body). There was a funeral for him, letters sent to the parents (this actually did not happen in reality) and now I am living the life, but sharing with the alters, which is difficult because some of them are not willing to co-operate, there is one that is very angry (hurt seems more appropriate because calling him angry angers him!), he's the defender I guess. I think I am a better sharer than the last host but I am still learning to do this since I am basically 3 months old. I have limited abilities on my own but I can do more with the co-operation with the others as long as they don't get upset and deceive me, or mislead me which is hard to tell but I'm getting the symptom's down when triggers occur, like now, social networks has been an issue in the past but I need some info on this, particularly since I'm aware some of the time but always. I know there's co-conscious, when I can function as an adult but without it I am like a 43 year old with a 3 year old emotions with limited vocabulary. I'm trying to schedule an FMRI scan for this month. Any help would be very much appreciated.
Symptoms I've noticed when triggered:
Sweating
Covering mouth, face, eyes
Hiding face, burying in knees
covering mouth to speak out so no one else can hear (when in public places especially places where abuse took place ie "church"
trying to get approval of people reminding me of past abusers
loving abusing women even though they are different race of my mother but just like her (look like women i've seen on tv/movies)
different tones in voice and posture during switch during times of stress
pain in body, especially headaches, stomach, shoulders, joints, chest
feels like there's a fist gripping my heart, burns, even though blood pressure is normal
voices persecute especially when reading the bible (mother use to read scripture before she beat me, told me God would destroy me at end of world)
One alter speaks another language but the language isn't real
One alter is Hispanic
One alter is female
One alter maybe gay but this might be the female (not sure)
One alter heretic/religious fanatic (maybe)
I think I'm triggering them so I'll end the post now.
Hope to hear back soon.
Brennan --" End
Confused, scared, alone (not really) definitely misunderstood.
Hoepfully this will change with me reaching out.
- Brennan
