Grieving Your Inner Child

[BlueDream]

At my first appointment back with my psychologist he suggested that over the next month I take the time to grieve for my inner child, or for the childhood that I missed out on. Does anybody have any suggestions, as to the processes that they used to do this?
Anything would be helpful!!
Thanks!!

 

[jaccat]

I write to mine. Different things work for different people. I had real trouble visualising mine until I began imagining my past as if it was a story I was writing. That was the first step. Now I can write her letters, and sometimes she writes back.

It also helps to consider what your inner child might want. I got out my old teddy bears and took up colouring again. You kind of need to run with it.

Those are just my thoughts. I'm sure other people will have lots more ideas.

 

[Anarchy]

I've started sleeping with a teddy bear too. I found him in the barn attached to the cottage I was isolating in and adopted him (I think it's a him, I've never asked). Reclaiming my own from my mother would be too intense.

I tried imagining hugging the little me, and had to learn the art of giving non sexual hugs, as the only hugs I'd known up to then were from girlfriends.

I'd better add, all hugs I give here are non sexual!

 

[shimmerz]

I have a picture of myself when I was 18 months old. It is an adoption picture. She is smiling. I give her credit for smiling after all she went through. I have no idea how she did it. I placed the picture by the stickshift in my car. I found a beautiful song for her and told her that by putting her in my car (my safe place), that I was taking her where ever I went. So when I got out of the car and went into the store I pretended she was holding my hand, that I had her perched on my shoulders like I did for my children, and one day went into a store and bought her a colouring book and crayons so we could play together. We decided on princess colouring books as she was my princess.

I felt it best to connect to her in a loving way before I attempted to attach to her pain. I am still learning how to do that.

 

[shimmerz]

I have a picture of myself when I was 18 months old. It is an adoption picture. She is smiling.

Interesting how I switched to 3rd person in this posting the way I did. Looks like I still have a bit of work to do with integration. Most likely because of this

before I attempted to attach to her pain. I am still learning how to do that.

I think this is why she is still 'she' and not me, if that makes any sense.

 

[Skylynx]

Bluedream, the fact you're needing to ask what and how to grieve is a red flag, in my opinion. It should just show up naturally in therapy as your feelings for the therapist develop. In therapy, there is usually a transference relationship with the T where you feel the love and longing for the T as the substitute for the loved ones in early childhood. Much later, as this caring and longing is expressed verbally with T in the sessions, it comes to you gradually that you're sad it can't be more and better. Then, disappointment and grief come into the relationship with T, too. The disappointment, grief and some anger are real, but not so much as to overwhelm, or make you get mad and quit. It's T's job to make this gradual and help you deal with this at a pace you can accept, not just dump it on you. Dealing with loss this time around should be a sensitive, easier experience than the first time in childhood that was traumatic and damaging. Grieving in therapy should never be just a re-traumatizing, and the therapist should take responsibility for that.

But just to take on the job of grieving your lost childhood as a memory exercise, won't do much. What if you don't feel or remember what you should have had? Some people were so neglected and deprived that they don't even know what they were deprived of. How can you grieve what you didn't and don't have, and can't remember? If you've never loved, you can't grieve the loss of it. That was my problem, and I had to build a deep transference for my T before I could know what to grieve. I did it through the therapist, not just trying to remember my childhood.

Perhaps you have gone beyond that stage, Bluedream, I'm just guessing. What if all you can recall is abuse and rage? So, I'm not sure how long and deep your therapy has been with your current therapist, but I would say it should have been a long time after much relating with him. It's good at some stage to bring in what did or didn't happen in actual childhood, and maybe that's what T is asking. But it's mainly in the transference with T that grief and loss are deeply felt in a healing way. It sounds a bit like you're being asked to put the cart before the horse.

 

[BlueDream]

@Skylynx Thanks for tour thoughts.
I have known my T for 5 years. I saw him on a regular basis for a year and speraticly after that. (Again I was on meds that clouded my ability to help myself at the time I was seeing him.) I moved, and was gone for almost 2 years. I just moved back and started seeing him again.
I do have a special place for him. I cry when I think of what he is taking on and asking for nothing in return. (No$$$) I know he cares about me, and it makes me feel good about wanting to get through the healing process of PTSD.

I can trigger myself into my past just by looking at photos of myself.

But that is not going to get me to where I need to heal. I'm just asking what tools others have used.

 

[shimmerz]

I can trigger myself into my past just by looking at photos of myself.

Can you externalize her in another way? Not sure if you are good at imagery or if there is a stuffed animal, piece of jewelry, anything physical that you can use as a non triggerable external representation of her?

If not, I would suggest that you are not ready to go there yet. Just my humble opinion.

 

[WillyKat]

Many years ago with a previous psychologist, we tried what she called guided imagery. She asked my adult self to get on the school bus to sit with the young me so that my abuser (older boy, rode the bus every day) would be protected. I could see myself walking down the aisle, past my abuser, and sat down. I put my arms around this small six year old. As the older me looked up in the direction of the abuser, he turned around before we made eye contact. He wasn't a threat anymore.

I had started therapy with her about the time my son reached the age (about six) when I was molested by an older boy that lived across the road. My son was just so damn small and vulnerable. I started having more nightmares and more anxiety during the day. And I think I was getting in touch with how vulnerable I was at that age. Sobering.

I wish I had done more of that.

About a year ago I went into the wilderness alone to fast for a day or so and just be. I cried a lot, got angry a lot, cried more. At one point, I just hugged myself, literally, imagining that I was hugging the younger me again.

This was really a watershed for me and a very positive thing.

I'm not sure you can just walk out and do this though. I think it has to come at the end of a process where you place your young self outside of your current self, and show care, protection, love, etc. to that young person. Even when they're angry or hurt and not making sense, just understand and be there. At some point you may have an overwhelming sense of ... I dunno what you call it: grief mixed with relief. Is there a word for that?

 

[BlueDream]

I do have other things, (a bear in particular) that are in my storage unit. I am going to go get it and some other things I have. And now that I am thinking about him (my bear), I had some really strong feelings about my childhood the last time I spent some "time" with him.

My mom told me I got him from my grandpa, when I was in the hospital around the age 3 or 4? I do not remember most of it. All my mom said was I was sick & had to go to the hospital. Maybe I'll play stupid, and pull him out and ask about it again.

 

[katz]

I ran across this thread and found it interesting because of what happened to me yesterday.
I had dinner at my inlaws house and a delicate subject came up. I knew that I didn't want to continue the conversation, since it had a bad ending the last time it was spoken of.
I cleared my throat to get myself out of the conversation. I did it a couple more times as we left, so I didn't have to speak. When we got to the car, and all the way home, my husband was very angry at me for clearing my throat. He said that it was rude and I should have known not to do it when his brother is there. He said that I should have known that to his brother, "he is always right." After a long ride home of listening to him be angry at me verbally. I just shut down. I did nothing a home all evening and just went to bed.

After work the next day, I decided to go for a walk--by myself. (As a kid, this was my "get-away"). I walked for a few miles, then just sat down at a picnic table in a park. Just sitting there let me cry and cry.

As I sat there, my "child" came out. She has never come to the surface like she did yesterday. I just sat there, "being her" and thinking to my self of all the things that I wanted. (the little me) She was so alone and hurt. I couldn't believe she felt so strongly about her pain. I must have sat there for over an hour.

It took the grown up me a full day and a half to think about it and to realize what I had been doing. I think the best thing - at least for me - was giving her a chance to speak. I don't know if this counts as grieving or not. I'm not sure if it is even considered mourning.

 

[VioletButterfly]

This has been a very difficult exercise for me and in working with different T's, it's been even more complicated. What I do that often works or that has worked in the past has been to go the children's book areas of the library and/or book store and read those books, trying to draw her in. I've also colored and done crafts. Sometimes, we just watch TV or I put extra pillows on my bed and pretend that they are her snuggled up next to me. Sometimes, I just talk to her like she's my imaginary playmate and we go on adventures to the store or on a drive. I don't know if any of this is helpful, but it's been the way I've been working through it. We do also cry a lot about what happened to us when we were young and I tell her that she was and is a good girl, deserving of love, and that she is very strong, caring and courageous. Kind of like what my mom should have done, if you know what I mean. Hope some of this helps. Take care. VB