Stony Or Smiley Face?

[Dana1010]

I had an appointment today with a new therapist after having been out on the street, so to speak, for almost a year. I couldn't get either of my top choices with my new insurance (1. somatic experiencing; 2. trauma specialist), so I'm just hoping to find someone who I can thoroughly process my intrusive memories with via traditional talk therapy.

I showed up at her office today and did a one hour appointment where she asked most of the typical questions--what occupies you, what are your relations, what are you hoping to achieve in therapy? The problem was she had the personality of a wet mop. Total poker face. Not the least emotion expressed throughout the entire appointment. And it's not like I wasn't expressive; I was laughing, grinning, frowning, sighing, etc., I think in part because I was trying to get some emotional engagement from her. Gaaa.

On leaving, I did not feel like I'd just been in therapy for an hour. Is that how some therapists deal with being constantly exposed to peoples' traumas? They just turn to stone? The problem with my last therapist was happy talk and painting a pretty picture, so I feel like now I'm at the other extreme. What's your take on these two different types? Is stony face worse than smiley face? Does stony face have merits? Do they change or warm up over time?

 

[KwanYingirl]

I don't think I could open up to Stoney face. We are emotional beings and I like that my therapist makes me laugh and cry. He uses his hands to illustrate to me how he would like to help me narrow the wide extremes of my moods. Or if I'm dissociated, he uses them to "scoop" me back into the room.

Maybe she's really book smart and understands therapeutic theories. But if you don't feel a connection on a soul level, well, maybe it would be difficult to go to difficult places with her. Did you make another appointment with her?

 

[Dana1010]

Did you make another appointment with her?

I did. I figured I might as well. There is another therapist I'm waiting to hear back from so we can do a brief phone interview and schedule an appointment. I want to see how she is when I start saying things that are really hard to say, like what her response will be. Obviously some things came up today, like the fact that I have no friends and no social life. That's usually difficult to say, but today it was just like telling it to....a wall. Not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. Didn't feel great; didn't feel terrible either.

You're right about the connection, though--I felt no emotional connection to her at all. I wonder how therapists like that stay in practice for years and years. What do their clients see in them, and why wouldn't they want someone human and relatable?

 

[iwannadeletethis]

I had an appointment today with a new therapist after having been out on the street, so to speak, for a...

Ugh.. Stony face is so hard because you're being so vulnerable with them and they're EXPRESSIONLESS. We usually look for some comfort or empathy to build trust in those situations. Smiley and painting a picture freaks me out. I've never had a good experience with those. The ones I've been with are too positive to be professional. It's almost like they're just telling you to be better.. Or do this and you'll be better. But in my experience, they leave you feeling open with no closure.

So I dunno!! I hope you find what's best for you!!

 

[KwanYingirl]

@Dana1010 my Psychiatrist is a stonewall. If he asks me how is therapy going, I tell him to talk to my therapist. I just don't feel like spilling my guts to him. Hope you find the right match soon.

 

[Ronin]

I'd consider the possibility it was simply her neutral & professional face on, not disinterest.

It was your first meeting, as well as hers. People don't automatically know what sorts of expression they can do around the other person, and emotions translate differently to different people.

In other words I would postpone judgment for a while, get to know each other better.

(And it's also possible while not emoting well, she's a darned good professional; I'd consider other skills than one part of interpersonal ones.)

 

[ihateusernames]

Yikes. I don't know if I could even speak to her. If I don't get at least some sort of reception when I'm speaking to somebody the words stop coming. We'd both be sitting in silence staring at each other, I guess. The lady I've been seeing recently is all smiles and upbeat. I haven't yet been able to figure out whether that's her demeanor or her mimicking mine. The last one would give me these obviously fake smiles every time I did. I wouldn't doubt for a second that they are trained to mimic to put clients "at ease." I agree with @Cashew that you should probably give her another try- she might have been trying to read you to decide how to act.

 

[Dana1010]

(And it's also possible while not emoting well, she's a darned good professional; I'd consider other skills than one part of interpersonal ones.)

I just don't know how you can separate skill as a therapist from interpersonal skills. The whole operation takes place via interpersonal communication. What else is there? Is she going to convey her advice to me telepathically? Am I even looking for advice? Don't I need another person to understand what I'm going through and validate my anger and pain at least as much?

 

[KwanYingirl]

I agree @Dana1010 its a package deal. They talk in psych jargon about the "therapeutic alliance" and how important it is in counseling. I wouldn't want to talk to a brick wall-well, not to pay for it. I suppose in my life I have spoken to many brick walls!! As far as advice, I do think we are seeking that. The reason I'm with a trauma specialist is because he's seen and heard it all. He's worked with Bessel Van der Kolk and other trauma pioneers. He is a real steady Eddie, which I love especially when I show up in a frantic tizzy and ball of nerves. He has a genuine affinity to people and I never, ever feel judged or minimized. We"re on a slow boat to EMDR, he doesn't want to exacerbate my symptoms. He's my third therapist and I carried his name and number in my wallet for a year before I called. I know for me, anyway, I really appreciate his friendly nature and sense of humor.

The thing is, I wasn't ready for him before. I was so suicidal for so long, my previous therapist was just putting out fires. She kept suggesting DBT and/or EMDR. I went to one DBT counselor and never returned. She was a scatterbrain. And I tried another guy for EMDR, but that only lasted a half hour. No way was he going to hear my story. He gave me the creeps. So, follow your heart. Maybe she has value. You'll know soon enough.

 

[Biz]

@Dana1010, go with your intuition. If you think you may not be able to relate to her, you're probably right. Only you would know that :). I think those of us who experienced trauma as a result of another human are generally good reads in our interactions.

For me, I notice my issues come up as I relate to social norms. I notice that I'll shut down and get defensive when someone is greeting me in a fake way or interacting in a way I perceive as fake. But I also realize this is often how someone first interacts. I'm learning that when they're doing this, they want to send a positive but they don't know me well enough to do so other than by sticking to norms (which feel fake to me).