I Am A Perpetrator.

[Capej]

I'm a trauma survivor. I have PTSD. I work my ass off in therapy. I have sold most everything I own to pay for treatment.

In spite of it all, I think I may be even more of a perpetrator than ever.

I have never physically or sexually harmed anyone. I have scared and frightened people - a lot.

I scream at people when I get triggered. I slam things. I sat horrible frightening things when triggered. Being triggered is NOT an excuse and I have never claimed it as an excuse. I never mean to scare anyone, but I do.

I don't think I should be alive. I keep telling myself I don't deserve the death penalty, but I am running out of ability to believe it anymore. I can not let myself victimize anyone else ever again.

 

[Sururu]

Get yourself into therapy pronto!! Fast. Like yesterday! I don't think you deserve the death penalty, either, but you must get some help!!

 

[Uneto]

Oops, I somehow missed one of your first statements -- that you are in therapy. Are you honest about this to your therapist?

 

[Puwize]

Symptoms can be moderated. You scream at people & say horrible things. That can be changed. Not all at once, but they can be worked on. Screaming, the need to release the voice? Helluva lot of people switch to singing. Learning singing, will teach vocal control. And bursting out into song? May be a bit odd (or not, depends on where you are), but it's not combative. If you don't sing "well"? Not the point. The point is learning to control your voice. Not sounding good doing it.

Situations can be altered. Okay... Death means you no longer exist on this planet forever. There are intermediary steps between this and that. Maybe you need to live on a boat, or mountain cabin for a few months or few years, while you learn self control. Personally, I am violent, I lived on empty beaches while learning self control. "Don't wanna" live apart from society for a time? It's just for a time. Learn the self control, and ease yourself back into being in company.

Those are just 2 options. There are more. Death is final. No chance to learn to live the way you want to. Hell of a lot of ways to give yourself the space to learn to live how you want to live instead of simply seeing that you're not living the way you want to, and ceasing to live.

 

[Mebago]

You sound depressed, OP.

Blaming yourself worse than is necessary. For things that are fixable.

If I were you? I'd start with not viewing myself as a perpetrator so hard. Not strenghtening the guilt trips. Moderating responses, sure. Seeing yourself as wholely bad being, unworthy of life? You hardly are.

'Sides, can you go to nature? Scream it out there, abandoned places where people and animals won't be disturbed that badly? There's entire therapies devoted to healing powers of screaming (thinking primal therapy, for one).

It might be also worth to consider how have you scared / frightened people. Maybe it was a lot of factors playing in, than just you being 'frightening'. Surprise. Something else going on for them. Their own hypervigilance. Their own bad experience with screaming / yelling. Sensitivity issues. Fear is usually multi compound, triggering hella processes, and you may not be the only trigger to an avalanche going down.

 

[Tujifu]

There are "perpetrators" here on the forum.....Well, OK, so I don't see you as a perpetrator, rather you're triggered and reacting.....but yes, there are actual perpetrators here on the forum who have indeed sexually abused others (by self admission in forum posts). Why do I say this? Because they were welcomed with open arms. Funny how those who post about bullying dogs are beaten with sticks, but sexual abusers are told "its ok, you have changed". f*cking ridiculous if you ask me.

 

[Mafe]

That's quite common tho. People having more understanding and care for the feelings of animals than people and groups of people. Ridiculous, maybe, it's a human trait. What is, just is.

Welcome with open arms? Last I noticed there was a lot of how dare you come in here, you have no understanding of anything, get the f*ck off, and wishes of murder. That people are willing to hear out a different view point, hear a perp who once a time fess up at least partially? Does not open arms make.

 

[Capej]

The therapists I have seen know. In great detail. I'm told over and over, they can't handle it. I went to anger management - the kind appointment by courts. I was not ordered by any court to go. I was turned down. Too much trauma. I go to the professionals who treat trauma and they say I am too verbally abusive.

I don't mean to be that way. I'm trying so hard not to be and I'm worse and worse and worse.

 

[Hobeb]

Do you know what concretely triggers you to scream, Capej? Why do you feel no other style of communication would be heard out? Have you tried writing down the angry words, instead of saying them out loud first?

Secondly, is this just a psychiatric problem? I'm thinking from the way you're saying you're not able to prevent yourself from those reactions, in spite of wanting to and being well aware they're hurtful, there may be something neurological going on having to do with heightened stress / verbalness and going off filters.

 

[Capej]

Yeah, I do know the triggers. Other being mad at me. Abandonment. Authority figures. Doctors, nurses, therapists. Being ignored or pressured to respond quickly. Family. Etc.

It's a very impulsive act. It happens fast. Sometimes I don't really realize I've raised my voice. It's hard for me to. Recognize the anger until I'm really in it. What I can feel is all the fear I feel before I yell and during the yelling.

I have had several psych evaluation and full psych and neuropsych testing done. Again and again, I'm told it's PTSD. Maybe some hard to identify symptoms that could be on the autism spectrum, but they keep saying no, it's not that after all, it's PTSD. I asked if I had explosive impulse disorder or bipolar. The doctor said it's not bipolar and it's not any other disorder.

I don't think it's the PTSD either. I don't know what is wrong. I hate being this way. I would rather not breathe than be this way. I would do anything to change. Anything.

 

[Vusa]

You could start by desenzitizing against those groups of people. One a time.
Work on what makes you feel ignored, and how can you empower yourself and not let it ruin your day if it happens.
Severe contact with family as much as you can.

You hate your state... but that still ain't worth being dead. You can still fix things, one thing a time, while you're alive.

 

[Capej]

None of my family is left in my life as of last week. I've screamed them all away. I spend most days alone now. Completely alone. I seem to be more sensitive when I interact with people.