Cocsa perpetrator

[Ocean1918]

Hello, its my first time using this website I have no other place to turn to because of how bad this trauma is making my life right now. When I was around 8-9 I committed cocsa on my niece (my mom had me older so am very close in age to almost all of my nieces and nephews) I committed cocsa by performing sexual acts on my niece involving her genitals she was probably around 2-3 I can't remember at all which age we both actually were but it was definitely before she may have turned 4. My older sister who is about 3 years older did the same act I did to my niece on me multiple times so that made me think it was ok. Also I suffered sexual assault by another sisters boyfriend. Fast forward later another time this happened I was 11-13 my niece was in my room playing with toys and all of a sudden she gets close to my neck and begins to lick it(idk why she did that just little kids sticking their tongues out acting silly I guess) but I responded with telling her to keeping going untill she just casually said no. She might have been 5-7 I think about this all the time a day doesn't pass that I don't think about it I even considered harming myself and suicide, I don't care about myself and just how I feel am so scared she's going to grow up to remember and be traumatized and disgusted in me. I don't know what to do I pray she just forgets. Am 18 almost turning 19. I have told my mom and she told me she may not remember so calm down because its a lot of stress for a teen but I still keep thinking about her feelings. Plus the sexual acts were way to intimate/vivid to forget even for a kid.

 

[Mach123]

This isn’t your fault because if it hadn’t been done to you first you wouldn’t have done it . That’s how it works . Children don’t know any better when they’re sexualized. They aren’t supposed to be able to handle sex . What you did was a trauma response . You didn’t know it was wrong. I don’t even like to say wrong because it seems to imply you had a choice but I’d say you didn’t. Whoever did it to you took your choices away. There is no magic fix for this. Everything that happened happened and the past can’t be changed .
It’s an acting out of the abuse you suffered and sadly it’s not an uncommon response. Now you have to try and work on healing yourself. There are therapists who specialize in treating the trauma caused by CSA. I’d say try and find one as quickly as possible. It’s not going to be easy but you took the first step. Not everyone is able to even get that far.

 

[Ocean1918]

This isn’t your fault because if it hadn’t been done to you first you wouldn’t have done it . That’s how it works . Children don’t know any better when they’re sexualized. They aren’t supposed to be able to handle sex . What you did was a trauma response . You didn’t know it was wrong. I don’t even like to say wrong because it seems to imply you had a choice but I’d say you didn’t. Whoever did it to you took your choices away. There is no magic fix for this. Everything that happened happened and the past can’t be changed .
It’s an acting out of the abuse you suffered and sadly it’s not an uncommon response. Now you have to try and work on healing yourself. There are therapists who specialize in treating the trauma caused by CSA. I’d say try and find one as quickly as possible. It’s not going to be easy but you took the first step. Not everyone is able to even get that far.

Thank you so much for replying.

 

[HomelessJoe]

The fact that you were a child as well that you feel shame for it. Makes you a good person. You weren't doing what you thought was wrong at the time. You were a child and still learning what's right and wrong. Many of us on here are victims of child abuse. I can't speak for all but if it was me and the person who abused me was honestly remorseful. I would forgive them. In your case you were victimized first. A therapist would call that Conditioning. You know it's bad now. That makes you good. When the time comes that you need to communicate to her just be honest and show her the remorse you showed here.