Stripped To The Bone

[Marlene]

Does anyone else feel that PTSD has stripped them down to the bone? Down to the bare bone?

Prior to PTSD I had a lot of areas in my life that were important to me. Friends, activities, volunteering. These were in addition to my family. I felt that my life was full and well balanced.

When the PTSD blew up on me, it felt like I had been taken down to the absolute bare essentials of my life. When friends left because of not being able to deal with the PTSD, I didn't fight them. No energy for that. When activities that I enjoyed became too much for me due to triggering or too much fatigue...they went to the wayside. My volunteering became something that was just too much for me to deal with and I left it. Hell, I even took my jewlry down to the bare minimum. I used to wear necklaces, multiple rings, braclets, and on occasion, an anklet. My jewelry now consists of a wedding ring and earrings. And the earrings are only for work.

I had to figure out what was important enough for me to spend my limited physical and emotional energies on. I had to figure out what triggered me and what I had to avoid. It basically came down to me and my family and the rest of the world had to take care of itself. Still pretty much does. Even though I'm feeling better, I still find that the simpler I keep my life (inner and outer), the better I do.

Anyone else feel stripped to the bone by PTSD?

Lisa

 

[Deleted member 541]

I too feel exactly like you do. It's just to hard to fight for family, relationships, friendships, ect. As far as the jewelry...You have me beat. I used to wear earrings, necklaces, rings....Now NOTHING!!!! Can't be bothered.

I used to care about what I wore too. NOW...Sneakers, jeans, and tee-shirts. I could give a rats ass about clothes. Mine are clean and that's all I care about.

I keep thinking that I NEED something in my life. I have thought about volunteering, but so far that's as far as I have gotten. Thought about it!!!!!

I feel stripped and exposed.....

 

[jsiems]

Wow, have you nailed it. I feel the same way. Your not alone with that.

 

[kers]

I wonder if what you did, stripped your life bare, is necessary to recovery. Kind of like the idea behind army boot camp, right? Break yourself down so you can build yourself up in a new way. Using a different metaphor, it's like you've demolished an old and rotting house and built it up from the foundation. Maybe it was three fancy stories before and now it's just a rambler, but it's more stable, safe, and homey.

 

[SweetpinNH]

The first few weeks of my medical leave I felt stripped and exposed. Then I slowly started rebuilding myself. DH took me shopping and I bought some new clothes that I would have never worn before and I've started buying bolder necklaces than I would have worn before. Of course not working has put a damper on wearing the new stuff.

I've started to remove the clutter from my home too. I guess I'm trying to "strip" it down to remove any negative vibes still hanging around. DH is surprised at how much of a homemaker I've become the last few months. I've learned I enjoy being a homemaker even if I'm stripping down the house.

 

[FlameTachiku]

I MISS MY LIFE, since I got really triggered in an accident. Exhausted, empty, I can't be who I was. Not long ago it was I want to be myself again to do what I want to do. Now, it is who I was. I am making a new life with whats left. IT DOES NOT FEEL GOOD.:mad:

 

[Seychelle]

I never had a decent life - I had nothing to strip bare. But this most recent mental crash this year has done that to some extent. It's hard because I fought to desensitise myself from so many things, learnt how to go shopping even though it triggered severe depression and anxiety (every time I went to the mall to buy something for myself, I would get severely triggered and come home close to suicidal, but I still made myself go). In the past 4 years, I learnt how to make friends, learnt basic social skills, got my first ever full-time job. But this year I've had to cut it back drastically and it hurts. I've been trying so hard to make a normal life for myself, it's painful to go backwards.

 

[pandora]

Ifeel exactly the same way many of you do and Marlene that explained the way I feel too.
Fametachiku....that phrase i want my life back is also one of those self defeating comments that plays over and over again in my mind too.

when it gets really bad like that....make a list of all of the positives in your life right now...try, and beleive me I know it is very hard to focus on those things, I find that really helps put things in perspective and we ultimately are the only ones that can change, make a new life and try with all of our heart and soul to be positive role models for our children. I always think and i know for some people they hate this phrase but I think because i am a nurse and I have seen a lot of things and have seen immense suffering, pain, abuse and we all experience these things too.....because honestly and this is how I feel *I said this to another member and it upset her so I hope i don't offend you too....but things could always be worse.

you are strong, you will get through this...you want to better your life and learn to live in a healthy manner, this is evident in your honesty and willingness to learn how to manage this disorder by being a member here...to learn, help youself in turn helping your family as well as other members here. I think this applies to all the members who feel exactly the way Marlene started this thread. i think we all have to realize how bad this can and does make us feel but the more we learn, the more support we have in any manner as long as it is healthy will help us all manage this illness. We are all going to have good and bad days but for our past histories, I truly beleive that all of us here that belong to this forum, expressing our deepest thoughts and emotions no matter how dirty, disgusting and awful it makes us feel along with humiliation anfd failure. we are the strong people in this world....we make the world a better place.

 

[2quilt]

I also felt stripped to the bare essentials in my life. No jewelry, simple clothes, no hairstyle really, no makeup, just breathing.
Therapy and meds have gotten me out of that slowly, and I just went shopping for a cruise, and the fancy clothes to wear on the cruise, and I am happy.
This sad feeling will not last if you treat your PTSD.

 

[Dylan]

Yes, absolutely. I really appreciated reading this thread...once again, a symptom/result of PTSD that I thought was just me.

I very much related to Seychelle's post. My trauma began very early in my life, so I grew up that way. For many years I thought I was just "lazy"; it was such a strain to even get out of bed, let alone do the high school girl things -- clothes, jewelry, develop identity and social skills, interests. And later, developing a stable sense of self, finding passions, life purpose, etc etc.

I always felt like a non-entity. I used to sarcastically joke that I was like one of those generic brands you see in the stores. I was so bland and without identifiers - no self-expression because, really, there was no "self" showing up to live.

Through years of intense work (though not even knowing what the real problem was) I forced myself to stop the spiral into self destruction (I was compulsively drinking, drugging, and hurtling headlong into manifesting my worst fear: becoming a crazy, despairing street person). I did a 12-step program, therapy, etc, and was able to work, develop a psuedo-identity, appear as though it was a real, authentic expression of a self. But there was little to no joy, little engagement, etc.

2 years ago, I found a form of CBT that works very well for me and, despite the horrible episode I just came out of (went from December and lasted till somewhere between April and May), I have finally turned a corner.... and though I don't have a "before" self to compare it to, just like I always knew something was wrong, I know that I am on the right track.

I am finally beginning to inhabit my own life.

-Dylan

 

[Marlene]

once again, a symptom/result of PTSD that I thought was just me.

There's been lots and lots of times like this for me here on the forum. Reading that others feel this way, again, makes me feel a bit less alone in all of this.

Stripping down my life to its bare essence was something that I did. Not for recovery...but for survival. Maybe recovery later, but not at first. I couldn't handle anything but the basics of life. And sometimes not even that at first. I remember my therapist using the analogy of rebuilding my life from the foundation up. And I actually rebuilt the foundation, too. It had become so unstable that it wouldn't support everything I had built upon it.

Now that I'm feeling better, I've noticed that the external is now reflecting the internal. My work clothes, hair and make-up, etc. were just something I did by habit and necessity for work. Now I've begun to give a damn again about how I look and such. It's been nice to find that bit of myself again.

I'm still leery about my life reexpanding a bit. Maybe out of fear of remembering how much it hurt to have to close it down so suddenly not too long ago. Maybe out of fear that new things now shut me down emotionally for a while. I'm still not too sure about that. But like Kers said, I've gone from a big house down to a smaller, more secure little house (me) and my foundation feels a lot more stable.

Lisa

 

[kmm]

Wow! Yes! This is something that I definitely experienced as well. At my worst, I felt like I had less than my bare bones - that I didn't even exist, certainly I didn't belong in this world and felt a lack of connection to it - as if I were anchored here by a mere thread - one that I was certain would snap at any moment. I felt I was in a completely foreign place - the concept of a body, of this planet, or my life - all foreign to me. When things started to get a bit better, I realized I was at least anchored in my body again - and that I had my family. Everything else, though, seemed to be far too much - friends, school, work, even getting from one moment to the next - was all too much. I wore my pajamas a lot & threw my hair up - so I can relate to that in the other posts here. Now I am at a point where many, many things still seem too much. Things that I never would have payed attention to before are too much for me to deal with. "insignificant" things are huge I just don't have the energy or desire. For so long, it was all I could do just to be, just to exist. Slowly, I have come to a point where I function less on autopilot and have more intention about doing things like getting groceries, doing the laundry, etc......but still, my world is pretty basic......I guess trauma really changes your definition of what is significant/important.....what you "have" to do......