Therapist Trying To Help

[Crow]

It took me years to be able to be truly mindful. Like what @Ms Spock and the others said, it's not something you can just think away. In fact, the mindfulness exercises were incredibly triggering, and still are sometimes.

This sounds crazy but if there's a Buddhist center near you, take an intro meditation course. They address in a gentle way the challenges to being mindful.

In the meantime limit your mindfulness exercises to simply naming stuff around you. Keep it simple. Don't push.

 

[hodge]

Thank you all for your posts. I really appreciate it. My therapist advised me in mindfulness that when thoughts come, just let them go and return my focus to what I'm focusing on (in my case, I hold onto a handful of my bedsheet), so I keep repeating to myself, "go back to the sheet, it is soft and smooth." But the thoughts keep coming. And I keep repeating my "mantra," and on it goes.

Ms Spock, I do suspect my therapist is not trauma-trained. But she's all I have. I live in a tiny town in rural Minnesota, US. I have gone through two other therapists here who have retired. There are probably other choices at my clinic, but I am pretty adamant about wanting an older woman therapist. I've tried working with male therapists, and I just can't handle it. They are too triggering for me. I do have a male psychiatrist, who triggered me so badly on my first appt. with him that he diagnosed me with BPD, which no one has ever diagnosed me with, and I've been in therapy off and on for almost 40 years. On the next appt. I asked him why he diagnosed me that way and he said I was really hostile toward him. I didn't even realize that! But then it hit me . . . he has facial hair, which is a huge trigger for me. I told him that, apologized profusely, and he undid that diagnosis. We've had a great relationship ever since.

I am more anxious these days than depressed, but still depressed, and now getting more so, since I've read all your feedback. I actually even just poured myself a drink at 3:30 in the afternoon! Blah. I don't know what to do. I've just been holding on to what my therapist advises, still struggling through each day and night.

 

[joeylittle]

My therapist advised me in mindfulness that when thoughts come, just let them go and return my focus to what I'm focusing on (in my case, I hold onto a handful of my bedsheet), so I keep repeating to myself, "go back to the sheet, it is soft and smooth." But the thoughts keep coming. And I keep repeating my "mantra," and on it goes.

This is a situation where you need to apply a grounding technique. It sounds like the one being suggested is not helpful for you. An aspect of it is very common - connect with something physical, something in your 'now' environment...that's not Mindfulness, capital M, it's more like trying to be present. Grounding. Are there other things that you've tried before, or read on here, that might strengthen your sheet-grabbing for you?

 

[hodge]

I do breathing when I need to. I have a safe place, which took me years to find. I haven't found anything else yet. It does sound more like grounding to me, I think you're right. My therapist just is calling it mindfulness, maybe. Though she does intend for this to help me be in the present as well as help my anxiety and intrusive thoughts. Actually, I don't know if there's a difference between being in the present and being grounded vis a vis PTSD. One thing that is starting to drive me nuts is how she keeps saying to separate the past from the present. I don't know how to do that because I am so often miserable in my present and I know it's because of my past. I've told her this, she just says I need to do it, i.e., remind myself I am happily married, have a nice home, etc. Which I do, and I know others have it far worse than I do.

I am really just starting to feel like I can't find anyone or anything to help me. I've been at this for more than 10 years now, with PTSD anyway (I've suffered from anxiety and depression most of my life). I've had periods of feeling better, but that was when I was on Remeron, which made me gain about 40 lbs and because there is rampant type 1 diabetes in my family and I have had hypoglycemia since I was 6, I felt I had to get off it. I was also doing better when I was taking Latuda. I had to wean off last November because my clinic was running out of samples and it's hundreds of dollars a month, which I can't afford. That's also when my sleep started to get really bad.

I think another thing that has been making things worse for me lately is worrying about my disability benefits continuing. I can't imagine working full time anymore. I work about 20 hours a month, in a good month, at my own pace, online.

I just don't know if there's really much healing possible for me. I know my treatment team has called my depression "intractable." I am just getting tired of trying so hard to get better.

 

[ms spock]

I felt like there was not much hope for me in terms of healing on and off for 35 years - so I have my understanding of what you are feeling.

I am so sorry hodge - I needed to have been more mindful when I wrote my replies to you - you are in a difficult situation. You are very bravely still going along though, so credit to you.

So this therapist is what you have got to work with. You can make the most of that.

@joeylittle is right in my opinion - grounding is needed and the grounding you are doing is not working for you - so that is something to perhaps work on - really look into it, talk about it with people and do some searches on this forum and on the web.

That is a real bummer that you cannot take the medications that work for you.

http://self-compassion.org/the-three-elements-of-self-compassion-2/

That is all I can think of for now - I will think on how to make some supportive suggestions.

 

[hodge]

Oh, Ms Spock, you have nothing to apologize for. You were honestly sharing your knowledge and experience and I really appreciate that. That's all each of us can do. You did a good thing in making me recognize that I need to look elsewhere for techniques that will work for me.

Yeah, it is a bummer I can't take those meds anymore. They really did help me a lot. I just thought of another option I have, though . . . my psychiatrist told me some months ago about DNA testing that can determine what antidepressant will work for an individual. He said it's covered by Medicare, which I have. I have my next appt. with him in Sept. and I may well look into doing that. Though I've tried sooooo many of them over the years. Still, it can't hurt to have the test. Okay, now I have a plan. It always makes me feel better to have a plan. Thank you for prompting my memory on that, even though you had no idea :-).

 

[Crow]

Concentrating on my breathe was triggering early on. Naming things around me or parts of my body helped get me past.

There are great YouTube instruction videos on mindfulness. You might want to look up marsha linehan

 

[hodge]

Thank you, CrowFeather. I will look her up. I used to have a terrible time with breathing exercises. They really only made my anxiety worse. But in recent months, I've been able to do it to help my anxiety. I don't know what changed.

 

[SeaQuel]

I tell her that and she says I just have to keep at it. I get discouraged.

Just to say that I really understand this - my therapist always says/said (I just sort of quasi fired her recently) that to me about whatever grounding/breathing exercises and it drove me f*cking crazy. I mean, I get the logic of it, that it's a practice and it's take a while for it to become part of the body's memory. But when you are on the other end of it and can't breathe (or whatever the case may be), and you see no sign of improvement and you are just told, repeatedly, to keep at it... It is indeed discouraging.

I know none of this helps you with your current situation, but I just wanted to say that I understood!

 

[hodge]

Thank you, DancingBull. I really appreciate your empathy. I plan on spending a good part of the weekend looking into other techniques that might help me.

 

[Chava]

Have not been able to read all of these @hodge but meditation and mindfulness is hard. For PTSDers, slowing down at all can be threatening. I slow down in a long process.

Sharing an mp3 from Alexander Technique. It's not too complicated. Don't worry if it doesn't make 100% sense. Just try laying down with your head supported, and just listen. Can you do that much? Link Removed

Right now this is as close as I get to mindfulness. It's guided. I'm slowing down. I can notice my body but not a load of internal sensations. I can notice my breath, but not for too long. Maybe that talk-through will help you, maybe not. I use it daily, but I've done a little Alexander Technique.

Other times I need a process of slowing down into mindfulness. EX: walk my dog. Then yoga or piliates or qi gong. Then lay down or stretch. Then lay down with a guided meditation....or a scripted metta (Loving Kindness) meditation.

Don't beat yourself up for it. It's HARD. The trick is to find your way in, whether through gradually slowing down or finding a mindfulness activity that works for you....then repeat it daily. It will transfer to other activities, but not all at once. If you find something that works for you, just keep doing it.

I go to my Alexander Technique "Active Rest" when overwhelmed....it lets me shut down. The Talk-through mp3 helps my mind be quiet and listen. I can reconnect to my body and the present in safe ways. But it took my a long time to find anything that felt right for me. So, you aren't failing....you just need to keep searching. So many routes to mindfulness. And if one rings true for you a bit, just commit to it....every day....and be patient as the change will happen in beautifully subtle ways.

 

[hodge]

Thank you so much, Chava. You have given me something new to try. I really appreciate it :-). I hope you're doing okay.