Trigger warning, I guess.
Sorry this is so long but it's kind of a long story kind of deal.
I don't remember most of my childhood. A lot of you can relate I'm sure; there are more blank spaces than memories for a little over 14 years of my life. A lot of people, almost everyone I know in fact, don't understand why I want those memories back. I want to know what happened, I want to remember. I'm tired of not knowing. I'm tired of not being told the truth.
My mom is my biggest trigger. After my parents divorce and my dad left for NY (I was living in AZ at the time) my mom kind of spiraled which I thought was strange because she's the one who divorced him. She partied more, stayed out later. I saw more babysitters and teachers than her. It was around that time I went from seven and naive, to taking care of a four year old and a three year old and tired all the time. And then Ted came around.
Ted was, and probably still is, abusive, manipulative, sociopathic, and all around not a guy you want to be around. Especially alone. And she spent a majority of her time with him. We were on the back burner until she wanted to feel loved again. For 12-13 years my mom was being used and abused by this guy and she kept going back. I remember asking her why she stayed with him and until recently the reply has always been, "I'll tell you when you're older."
"Ari, Ted and I go beyond materialist love and lust. Together, he and I go beyond everything. The power and connection the two of us share is....unbelievable." Or something like that. I'm glad she waited to tell me. As a child, I would've eaten all of that up and believed it.
For years, longer than I was aware, she also developed a couple of habits. She became even more neglectful and by the time I turned 15, I was sick of it. I didn't want to be the mom anymore, taking care of my siblings and picking mom up after Ted screwed her over or she was binge drinking or shooting up. I was so sick of it. I called my dad, told him everything that happened and a month after I turned 16, I was in NY and picking up my pieces.
I've been stuck in this thought that if my own mother didn't want me then how could anyone else? Moms are supposed to love you and nurture you and take care of you and protect you and I don't remember any of that.
She just called me, asking how I was and all and told me to promise to take care of myself before everyone else (after taking care of my siblings for most of my life I became a mother hen) I told her to do the same and she said, "I always take care of myself. Gotta put myself above everyone else, even my children." I know this to be true but it still shocks me to hear it out loud. I told her I loved her just before we hung up and she replied with, "talk to you later." I speak clearly on the phone so I know she heard me.
I was doing so well today after last nights meltdown and now I fear I'm crashing.
Sorry this is so long but it's kind of a long story kind of deal.
I don't remember most of my childhood. A lot of you can relate I'm sure; there are more blank spaces than memories for a little over 14 years of my life. A lot of people, almost everyone I know in fact, don't understand why I want those memories back. I want to know what happened, I want to remember. I'm tired of not knowing. I'm tired of not being told the truth.
My mom is my biggest trigger. After my parents divorce and my dad left for NY (I was living in AZ at the time) my mom kind of spiraled which I thought was strange because she's the one who divorced him. She partied more, stayed out later. I saw more babysitters and teachers than her. It was around that time I went from seven and naive, to taking care of a four year old and a three year old and tired all the time. And then Ted came around.
Ted was, and probably still is, abusive, manipulative, sociopathic, and all around not a guy you want to be around. Especially alone. And she spent a majority of her time with him. We were on the back burner until she wanted to feel loved again. For 12-13 years my mom was being used and abused by this guy and she kept going back. I remember asking her why she stayed with him and until recently the reply has always been, "I'll tell you when you're older."
"Ari, Ted and I go beyond materialist love and lust. Together, he and I go beyond everything. The power and connection the two of us share is....unbelievable." Or something like that. I'm glad she waited to tell me. As a child, I would've eaten all of that up and believed it.
For years, longer than I was aware, she also developed a couple of habits. She became even more neglectful and by the time I turned 15, I was sick of it. I didn't want to be the mom anymore, taking care of my siblings and picking mom up after Ted screwed her over or she was binge drinking or shooting up. I was so sick of it. I called my dad, told him everything that happened and a month after I turned 16, I was in NY and picking up my pieces.
I've been stuck in this thought that if my own mother didn't want me then how could anyone else? Moms are supposed to love you and nurture you and take care of you and protect you and I don't remember any of that.
She just called me, asking how I was and all and told me to promise to take care of myself before everyone else (after taking care of my siblings for most of my life I became a mother hen) I told her to do the same and she said, "I always take care of myself. Gotta put myself above everyone else, even my children." I know this to be true but it still shocks me to hear it out loud. I told her I loved her just before we hung up and she replied with, "talk to you later." I speak clearly on the phone so I know she heard me.
I was doing so well today after last nights meltdown and now I fear I'm crashing.
