Victimized In Every Major Relationship... Shall I Play Again?

[Peach]

I tend to go all in on relationships.

That is a tough one, but it sounds like you're going in with your eyes open this time. You're more self aware and probably better prepared to pull out if you sense it's going in a bad direction.

All you can do is try. Good luck! I hope you find the right woman and that it happens soon (or as soon as you're really ready).:)

 

[technigirl]

I agree with @Peach about your focus on physicality. Your body image sounds somewhat negative from what you've posted here. Like Peach said, the right person will think you are insanely attractive just as you are.

I don't think there are any hard clues as to when you're ready for a relationship, it's more of a gut feeling. Trust your gut. I have a friend who is single and just enjoying time with his friends right now. He dates around a bit but freely admits he's not really ready for a relationship. That works for him and I think it's better that he is honest with himself and the women he sees.

That your friend said she is a "control freak" doesn't mean much, as others have said, what does that mean exactly? You might want to ask her what she meant by that. That said, it sounds like you feel that she is the only option for you right now, and *that's* why you're considering a relationship with her. That is all kinds of wrong, and it's the kind of thinking (or desperation) that leads to bad relationships. You should date someone because you feel a connection with them, because you like them and find them attractive, because you get along with them. If you feel all those things, then go ahead and date her, but if not, then I'd hold off.

You sound like you've been working hard on yourself and your healing, which is a really good thing. That makes it more likely that if you trust your gut, you will end up in a good place. If the bad relationships happened when you were in a bad place yourself, then it sounds like your gut you in the wrong direction. You mentioned meeting Ms. Not Again, that seems unlikely given that you have made so much progress in your healing and your sense of self. How you feel about yourself and how much work you have done toward recovery makes all the difference in the world.

Keep your heart and mind open and don't be afraid to let someone in. Keep putting yourself out there and the right girl will turn up. I wish you the best with this!

 

[Glenn R.]

I wonder what she means by that. Does she mean that all of her clothes have to be folded precisely into t...

Great Distinction Sighs! The first example you gave is OCD behavior, which generally only hurts the person who has it. The second is abusive toward others.

BTW: I'm the type to fold my clothes in thirds. Fortunately, so is my girlfriend, who has been with me for over nine years. (lol)

 

[The Albatross]

" She is well educated, somewhat obese and age appropriate. So, no, it is not just a physical thing. So, the thing is, she admits to being a control freak. Which would put me back in that same victim relationship I have escaped in the past. She may not be the best candidate, but she does have the advantage of having spoken to me, putting her miles ahead of the non existent competition."

Hmmm. Take a harder look at you're description... I'd say eh, friend perhaps... relationship... um nope. Control freak thing aside, you are missing a basic essential something in you own assessment.

 

[The Albatross]

P.S. You may be in shape to date... but I'd give this one a "pass"/no thank you except perhaps as a platonic friendship.

 

[ground crew]

I just got employed, that will up self image a lot, which will alter how i carry myself which will change how i am percived. If my dating were a stock, it has taken a mojor leap in value! Do cicks dig narcissists?

 

[shimmerz]

So, my fear is I will have fixed me all up, got my new cool going, look great and I meet Ms. Not again!

Yes, this is true. But you will, on the other hand, be much happier living in your own skin for once. Now that is a success. And a test. Are you doing this 'makeover' for the inner you or so that you can 'be with someone'? What if you knew you were going to be without a mate forever? Would you still do the work on yourself?

Please know that I mean no disrespect. I have made the decision to stay alone - by choice. I have worked too hard on my healing to place my life in the hands of a person who does not honour me; even one more time.

 

[ground crew]

The growth and self realizations are as a resylt of bottoming out a couple of years ago. I am better and i am willing to be alone for the rest of my life rather than being in a bad relationship. I have some hope to find a relationship but i wont screw up my happy for one.

 

[shimmerz]

I have some hope to find a relationship but i wont screw up my happy for one.

That is really good. I think with that attitude you are in a more healthy place as you won't 'sell your soul', so to speak, in order to be in one.

I truly hope that you find a beautiful person to share your life with. :hug:

 

[Wastinglight]

Anyway, I have noticed a lack of angry talk, frustration and inconvenience in my life as well as a certain loneliness at bed time, so the question arises-at what point am I in any kind of shape to date? Do you get a note from your doctor or is it a sign of healing that you just do it?

Well, after a year of being with my [PTSD sufferer] guy, he told me yesterday that his T (and apparently, "everyone" else - not sure if he was exaggerating or not) advised him that he wasn't ready to pursue a relationship, when we first started dating. He ignored them and went ahead anyway. I will admit that things are a bit shakey with us at the moment (I think mostly because of the stress of me moving in with him), but on the whole, we have been going okay. My trust issues and his emotional distance have been causing problems with the relationship, but I think as long as we still love each other and want it to work, we will both keep trying.

Don't forget that, despite what the relationship advice columns tell us, everyone has baggage and issues that have the potential to destroy a relationship. That becomes increasingly true as we get older and experience more failed relationships. Relationships are always hard work, there's no escaping it.

Me and my guy are in our 30s, and we've both been betrayed before. That, on top of his PTSD/panic disorder/agoraphobia and my generalised anxiety disorder, makes this relationship a lot harder. But it doesn't mean we should throw in the proverbial towel. It sometimes takes a long while to get to know each other well enough to find effective solutions to relationship difficulties, that work for both of us.

I know that, if I was single, I would feel calmer, less stressed, and "safe". But I also know that I want to love and be loved, and my guy is the one I want to be with. So I keep trying, every day.

Best of luck, I hope you two can find a way to be happy together.

 

[SnowJo]

As one of my therapist re framed things for me, I have been the victim in every major relationship I...

Be friends first for at leazt a year or more and slowly reveal.yourself and see how much you can trust and with what... there will be limits to every relationship.. find them, be real, be true to yourself.
I say.... Take everything slowly like a snail. I would just be straight up and let people know that friendship is the most important thing learning slowly to.trust through experience with the other person. Trust not being established by "jumping off the cliff" as this simply triggers old fears and old behaviors of being a victim. I am in the same boat, inspite of being a very strong person I ended up being victimized by my last 2 partners and decided not to date subsequently until I have done the counseling required to unwired and rewire myself from the damage done from my past, one day I will develop a friendship that will last a long time until I trust enough to grow further. .. that's my future pathway to protect myself from being victimized again. In my youth I have had healthier partners but sadly I wasn't well and couldn't cope with their love and almost self destructed from the confusion inside from the inner conflict that did not see myself as loveable, therefore like a broken puzzle I self sabotaged...so no external abusers are required, justctroggers... causing me to lock myself in a room .... no captor required this time. . The boyfriends kind and gentle with no pressure ...but I simply could not handle the inner conflict and confusion and sadly ended the relationship, all because I had ghosts... from the past. I can see now ptsd can ruin even good relationships and if I had gone very very slowly and had counselling for the past when thongs came up back then.. things could have gone very differently. I Couldn't work out or trust why they were being so nice, a very uncomfortable feeling indeed... I believe without this deep rooted inner conflict being semi resolved and work to reduce triggers... it's not safe for me. So I do the work and hopw one day I will have a friend who a) is worthy of my love and b) sees me as worthy of his ... knowing each other warts n all so to speak... but deal breakers are anyone badly intended towards others or animals, that's a sign they still need to resolve things inside and I could easily become the target if their "bad intentions" if things didn't Pan out.

 

[ground crew]

Wasting light-what a wonderful thing you are doing being proactive and involved in your guys recovery! Do make room in this relationship for you! And good luck! I mean that.

So yes. Trust needs to be earned with experiance which cant be had sitting at home self isolating. Did i mention a new job? I got a new job. And it is a big startup with 50 or so people. Big social advantage to this work environment. I will settle in with this big change and in a couple months i will see where i am at. But it will be a good relationship with no painful concesions on my part. I will of course continue to be as wonderful as ever.

No. I will be involved and caring and giving. I try to do that. I will try harder. And i will shut up a lot more often and sooner. Angry me is not a lovable me.