Is There Just Always A Snake In The Grass??

[The Albatross]

Yup thanks a pivotal book for me at an opportune time... though having said that I withdrawal... but not before the rules:

The Ten Rules For Being Human:

1. You will receive a body.
2. You will be presented with lessons.
3. There are no mistakes, only lessons.
4. Lessons are repeated until learned.
5. Learning does not end.
6. "There" is no better than "here."
7. Others are only mirrors of you.
8. What you make of your life is up to you.
9. All the answers lie inside of you.
10. You will forget all of this at birth.

 

[Ronin]

If I may @Skitzii... I wouldn't go with 'some crooked boss and some bitches', as a default starting position.

If they're not, it's seriously insulting.

If they are, it's still insulting, and won't help you get on their good sides, no matter the situation. It's much easier to find a way out or something you can work with if you have a reputation of someone who's respectful. Honesty is one thing, grace and face to uphold quite another. Both can be useful.

 

[Flossy]

P.S. Unless you want to be a snake charmer, which is a very highly risky occupation (attempt at li...

OH Please find that book title and let me know. I am so interested.

Oops that'll teach me to read to the bottom of the thread. Thank you

 

[Flossy]

@Skitzii

I have exactly the same dynamic in workplaces. For me, I believe it is related to the same dynamic that attracts Narcissists to me. It took me a couple of years making it my goal to learn to recognise them. They target me.

I took on the belief that until I learned how to recognise them early and avoid them or decide whether their level of Narcissism was manageable or not. Some are by being given limited but irregular 'supply' in a way that does not impact on your morals or value system.

In your position, I would keep learning about the disorder and focus on the traits that can be shown early in a setting.
To generalize slightly, I find that when meeting a Narcissist in the new workplace, they rarely ask questions about you or your thoughts.

I also have found that workplaces that have a higher percentage of females have this dynamic within it.

I believe that people who have suffered narcissistic abuse and are targeted by otheres with the disorder find solo occupations and male oriented workplaces more user-friendly. The dynamic seems not to pervade blue-collar work related offices and be more prevalent in beaureucracies, institutions and the corporate world.

This is all based on my experience and is not prejudiced against women. Nor does it reflect on my personality. It's a very real phenomenon that occurs to those who have been abused by those with this personality disorder. My intent is to help and support Skitzii, so no sidetracking the thread away from that purpose, please.

 

[Flossy]

@Skitzii To say that you are the common denominator implies that you are the problem. In the case of NPD abuse, this simply means that your personality type is seen as a source of supply and a source for the N to make them feel good about themselves by showing their superiority.

There is a book called The Devil You Know. I can't recall the author but it is about psycopaths and as psychopaths are on the same spectrum as Narcissists you can use this book to learn to recognise them quickly and gauge if they are manageable or not. If not, then you are justified in leaving and finding a workplace that shows less of this dynamic.

I used to make it a request at the end of any interview to ask to have a tour of the workplace because I was interested. It was actually because I would take note of any unfriendly glaring and trust my gut feeling about whether this was a supportive workplace or one with struggles and conflict. Practise trusting your gut and it will get easier to leave or refuse a job offer.

 

[joeylittle]

But I'm getting to the point where I'm not sure if there's any kind hearted business owners out there.

Forget kind-hearted. Just try corporate. it sounds like the kinds of jobs you look for are independent, smaller operations - I can't guarantee there aren't going to be jerks at Starbucks, but there is at least a large corporate structure and some HR oversight.

And I'm just going to put this out there: I worked with a woman who truly believed that a large part of her power and control in situations came from her ability to be chatty, flirty, and personable. She was wrong - that's not where her power was coming from. It was because she was reliable, diligent, honest. Her belief that she needed to always pour on the sugar was not helping - and in some cases, was being misinterpreted.

I'm not here to tell you that you don't know your situation. What I do know is that we can only control ourselves and our own actions, not those of others. So, I'd encourage you to maybe think about your employment opportunities in some different ways - maybe open up what you think you might be qualified for, maybe shift yourself geographically, maybe try online work....really make sure you're checking out options that you might normally assume aren't possible for you. Sometimes we miss things that we can actually do, when we assume that.

And, i'd encourage you to think about how you want to be in the workplace - not how you think you need to be. There's a zone between stone-cold bitch and super-charming flirt. Maybe you have already examined all this - it never hurts to look at our own behavior and see how we might want to adjust it. There might not be anything we want to change. That's cool. Lots of times, people are afraid to even look, because they think it means they are going to find a million things wrong. That's not always the case.

 

[Flossy]

I think Skitzii's words were not read as they were written. She stated that she is 'smiley, chatty & polite". Nothing in those behaviours can be interpreted as being flirty . I can't see anything wrong in being smiley, chatty and polite and wearing approriate clothing so as not to call attention to herself.

We need to listen to the question she is asking and not make assumptions. She would have to write an essay in order to give us exact succinct descriptions of her experiences along with long winded examples. We need to take her at her word and just answer the question. Is there always just a snake in the grass (in all workplaces).

Reading this properly without making assumptions would focus on what type of workplaces are less likely to have a competitive culture so that a person with PTSD can function well within them. I am sure she would have preferred those types of responses. Suggestions for differing workplaces etc.

Yes, there is always a snake in the grass in large corporations and institutions. Usually the ones who have worked there the longest are snakes in the grass. Anywhere there is a power struggle. Consider employment where most of your role is 'able to work well alone" or in a more grass roots job like factory work, or a single adminstrator for a building site.

My most favourite two jobs I had in my life were as a lone candy bar attendant in a cinema and as a waitress working for two drag queens in their coffee shop. No snakes there, only guys who wanted to do my hair for me and talk about makeup and laugh.

All of my other medical/hospital related work which as female snake dominated was hugely stressful and the last one did my head in as soon as they learned I was hired to perfect the system and sort out problems. I stayed 8 months, highly medicated at the end and have not worked since. PS this was administrating a high profile Queensland combat related PTSD ward.

 

[iwannadeletethis]

Forget kind-hearted. Just try corporate. it sounds like the kinds of jobs you look for are independ...

For sure. Cooperate feels safer. I appreciate the imput! I've been all over the road exploring any new kind of job opportunity I can. Jobs are so competitive in this city I'm in, I'm not used to it. And I do examine myself. And I overthink it to.

 

[joeylittle]

And I do examine myself. And I overthink it to.

I know that feeling very, very well. It's a balance to strike, I don't think anyone is perfect at it.

Nothing in those behaviours can be interpreted as being flirty

Fair point. I was incorporating her post where she said she thought it was that behavior that was keeping her employed, and wondering what it will be like for her after she's lost her looks.

Yes, there is always a snake in the grass in large corporations and institutions. Usually the ones who have worked there the longest are snakes in the grass. Anywhere there is a power struggle

No, not true. Not everywhere. A great deal depends on the kind of work one does, and whether it is structured to be competitive vs. collaborative. Also, there's a big difference in the for-profit vs. non-profit sectors. But one doesn't have to work alone in order to avoid the snakes. I think it's more like, if you know you don't want to be around snakes, think about places where snakes would likely not congregate. Organizations that are large but not gigantic, and have clear and autonomous departments and divisions working within that are much smaller - with high retention rates, better than minimum wages, and solid incentives (in the form of good insurance, or reliable hours, or defined advancement points) - those places will tend to be either snake-free or the snakes are so outnumbered as to render them powerless.

I'm not wearing rose-colored glasses; just talking from experience.

Jobs are so competitive in this city I'm in, I'm not used to it.

Yeah, this is super-tough, definitely. Can you relocate? Also, check out totally different angles from jobs, even, like peace corps, teach for america, habitat for humanity...I don't know enough about how they all work, but I do know that they are also unique kinds of opportunities...

 

[Flossy]

@joeylittle Fair point. I have mainly worked within healthcare and the hospital system in Australia. You would think that would be collaborative, but sadly it's not. It is full of bullying, power struggles and subterfuge. The Queensland Australia hospital system is notorious for its flaws.

So my experience is not wide.

I used to dream of being able to find a snake-free work environment. It takes up so much energy.

 

[iwannadeletethis]

I know that feeling very, very well. It's a balance to strike, I don't think anyone is perfect at it...

Can you do the peace corp without a college degree these days? Trust me.. I'm looking all over. I have to family or friends to go to. And no money.

 

[ground crew]

As ill advised as it is to i will dare tread lightly on this gender perspective thread. A nice looking friendly lady can generate unwanted atention for the lady. Particularly for the creeps and socialy inept male who can be a boss or customer. The unwanted attention triggers you. Not intentional just predictable. One of .y exes said the same thing and i watched. It is a real thing.

Now when i face the public, i am friendly and chatty too. I seem to use that face to judge the mood of the other person. I keep myself safe by proding the other person with a joke or social noise like"nice weather". Then see their reaction, then judge my safety.