Justmehere
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I feel like the abused woman who kept going back to her abuser by seeking care at a community mental health center, getting harmed, and continuing to go back to worse and worse levels of harm.
I feel like it is all my fault with no idea how or why it is my fault.
I went to a community clinic 2 hours from my home. I went there because my insurance finally approved coverage for this counseling and I went to get a psychiatrist and some additional treatment. It has been a horrible experience so far. The first time, I was a victim of a hate crime. I was sitting in the waiting room and another patient came up and attempted to physically attack me for being a minority. They were screaming slur words the whole time. It was clear. I did not know the patient and all the witnesses said I was just sitting there, looking at my phone. Staff did nothing. My service dog got in between me and them, other people in the waiting room came to our rescue.
Intake #1 was thus a complete failure. Spent the whole time talking to police, who arrested the client.
The patient who almost assaulted me, they told me will still be client. Staff told me I did nothing wrong and nothing to provoke it. They told me the patient was of course still going to be a client. Of course.
I asked to do a new intake at another location. It took them 3 weeks to approve this. 3 freaking weeks. The counselor who was supposed to do the intake told me
"that kind of thing, the attempted assault, is more likely to happen at the other clinic." They literally didn't want to transfer my care because they said its more likely to be randomly attacked because of being a minority at the other clinic.
They even said, "it happens more often there."
I started throwing up.
They moved my case the other location, also two hours away. I did the intake. I was brutally honest about all my symptoms and trauma history. They assigned me a therapist who didn’t know what dissociation was - they assigned me to the same therapist who did the intake. I became massively suicidal… I called the crisis line and they sent me to voicemail. I went to the ER and they kept me overnight. The hospital called the mental health center and said they needed to be providing better and more appropriate care. They agreed to assign me to a trauma therapist within a few weeks, but said I needed to see that therapist a few trimes.
I paid so much in transportation costs… (over $200) for these horrible intakes. I had to battle insurance to get insurance to cover the 2-3 sessions with this “general” therapist, who never gave me a disclosure statement, but whom I have now been told didn’t even have her license yet, in order to be assigned to a therapist with training in trauma. I then paid for my non-refundable transportation there. Why did I do this?!
My insurance was actually going to provide transportation themselves, but the clinic only completed the paperwork for me to travel to the first location where I was almost assaulted. When they moved the care to the second clinic, they promised to do the paperwork again, but failed. They adamantly insisted my appointment was still scheduled.
So I bought my own ticket.
My appointment is in less than 12 hours.
I just got a call, about 20 minutes ago, a voicemail message. It was from the head of adult services. He called at 8pm at night to tell me they are closing my case. No referrals, no emergency care. They told me to call my insurance for other options, and my isurnace has already said this is the only option.
They canceled my appointment with the psychiatrist and case manager I was supposed to see at the end of the month as well. No time given to find a new therapist or doctor or anything else. No reason given. No follow up. Nothing. No explanation.
This clinic was my plan to finally get a psychiatrist, to finally have other support in addition to my really expensive trauma therapist that I will soon only be able to see two times a month. She was in support of my pursing this care.
I’m freaking out right now. I’m really freaking out. I don’t even know why I am freaking out.
I feel like I need some rational input. The trauma therapist I have seen for the past two months is on an extended vacation. I have no other supports right now. I really… my mind is spinning off the deep end. I am thinking terrible thoughts.
I need to stop this spiral here. This clinic massively and chronically has triggered me to an extreme degree every time I have interacted with them. The second intake therapist seemed ok, just had no idea what dissociation was. And then they kept triggering me so bad I relapsed back into self injury and even sudden and extreme suicidal thoughts at one point.
I invested so much money into this… only to have this happen…
I felt like a donkey (a stupid fool) chasing a carrot (the possibility of seeing providers who knew about trauma and could provide additional support) who just got stabbed (suddenly abandoned, cut off, and penalized) for no known reason.
I’m actually thinking of still going to the appointment tomorrow and at least finally getting a copy of the insurance forms they claim they filled out. They are supposed to provide care for a period of time before leaving me with nothing. But they said the appointment was canceled. I’m not sure it’s worth the 6 hour bus ride (3 hours there and back - 2 hours by car, but I can't drive right now) to be faced with more hell, at best.
What am I even thinking? I’m not sure it was ever rational to go back after the first 47 huge mistakes they made. They even released my health info with no consent to….
I’m not even going to get into it.
I'm not going to go tomorrow to even give them my medical record release forms. I can mail those.
I am triggered. I am shaking and in a sweat. My face is read and I am crying. I don't even quite know why. I am filled with extreme panic. I’m not thinking very rationally. I need some outside input. I feel like I destroyed my life when I freaked out with my old trauma therapist and like I will never recover and I am worthy of death.
Please help me find a more rational way too look at this. This is really triggering me so bad. I am such a fool, why did I ever go there? Because I was desperate, very desperate.
I wanted a safety net. They turned out to be more like a lion's den. And I kept going back until this happened.
I know I can report the hell out of them to a bazillion regulatory agencies, and I might do that later on. Right now, I need to take care of me. Take care of my needs to get support and help. Maybe this is a good thing. Maybe it is a really good thing. And yet, I keep thinking I must be a horrible human being to be treated this way by "helpers"....
I feel so humiliated and embarrassed. I don't know why. I'm posting this here to try and keep the shame and all these confusing feelings from getting the better of me.
For right now, I am going to go write until these massive self injury urges pass. I am not going to let this mess cause me to relapse again like it did last week.
Thanks for letting me post this rambly mess of a post.
I feel like it is all my fault with no idea how or why it is my fault.
I went to a community clinic 2 hours from my home. I went there because my insurance finally approved coverage for this counseling and I went to get a psychiatrist and some additional treatment. It has been a horrible experience so far. The first time, I was a victim of a hate crime. I was sitting in the waiting room and another patient came up and attempted to physically attack me for being a minority. They were screaming slur words the whole time. It was clear. I did not know the patient and all the witnesses said I was just sitting there, looking at my phone. Staff did nothing. My service dog got in between me and them, other people in the waiting room came to our rescue.
Intake #1 was thus a complete failure. Spent the whole time talking to police, who arrested the client.
The patient who almost assaulted me, they told me will still be client. Staff told me I did nothing wrong and nothing to provoke it. They told me the patient was of course still going to be a client. Of course.
I asked to do a new intake at another location. It took them 3 weeks to approve this. 3 freaking weeks. The counselor who was supposed to do the intake told me
"that kind of thing, the attempted assault, is more likely to happen at the other clinic." They literally didn't want to transfer my care because they said its more likely to be randomly attacked because of being a minority at the other clinic.
They even said, "it happens more often there."
I started throwing up.
They moved my case the other location, also two hours away. I did the intake. I was brutally honest about all my symptoms and trauma history. They assigned me a therapist who didn’t know what dissociation was - they assigned me to the same therapist who did the intake. I became massively suicidal… I called the crisis line and they sent me to voicemail. I went to the ER and they kept me overnight. The hospital called the mental health center and said they needed to be providing better and more appropriate care. They agreed to assign me to a trauma therapist within a few weeks, but said I needed to see that therapist a few trimes.
I paid so much in transportation costs… (over $200) for these horrible intakes. I had to battle insurance to get insurance to cover the 2-3 sessions with this “general” therapist, who never gave me a disclosure statement, but whom I have now been told didn’t even have her license yet, in order to be assigned to a therapist with training in trauma. I then paid for my non-refundable transportation there. Why did I do this?!
My insurance was actually going to provide transportation themselves, but the clinic only completed the paperwork for me to travel to the first location where I was almost assaulted. When they moved the care to the second clinic, they promised to do the paperwork again, but failed. They adamantly insisted my appointment was still scheduled.
So I bought my own ticket.
My appointment is in less than 12 hours.
I just got a call, about 20 minutes ago, a voicemail message. It was from the head of adult services. He called at 8pm at night to tell me they are closing my case. No referrals, no emergency care. They told me to call my insurance for other options, and my isurnace has already said this is the only option.
They canceled my appointment with the psychiatrist and case manager I was supposed to see at the end of the month as well. No time given to find a new therapist or doctor or anything else. No reason given. No follow up. Nothing. No explanation.
This clinic was my plan to finally get a psychiatrist, to finally have other support in addition to my really expensive trauma therapist that I will soon only be able to see two times a month. She was in support of my pursing this care.
I’m freaking out right now. I’m really freaking out. I don’t even know why I am freaking out.
I feel like I need some rational input. The trauma therapist I have seen for the past two months is on an extended vacation. I have no other supports right now. I really… my mind is spinning off the deep end. I am thinking terrible thoughts.
I need to stop this spiral here. This clinic massively and chronically has triggered me to an extreme degree every time I have interacted with them. The second intake therapist seemed ok, just had no idea what dissociation was. And then they kept triggering me so bad I relapsed back into self injury and even sudden and extreme suicidal thoughts at one point.
I invested so much money into this… only to have this happen…
I felt like a donkey (a stupid fool) chasing a carrot (the possibility of seeing providers who knew about trauma and could provide additional support) who just got stabbed (suddenly abandoned, cut off, and penalized) for no known reason.
I’m actually thinking of still going to the appointment tomorrow and at least finally getting a copy of the insurance forms they claim they filled out. They are supposed to provide care for a period of time before leaving me with nothing. But they said the appointment was canceled. I’m not sure it’s worth the 6 hour bus ride (3 hours there and back - 2 hours by car, but I can't drive right now) to be faced with more hell, at best.
What am I even thinking? I’m not sure it was ever rational to go back after the first 47 huge mistakes they made. They even released my health info with no consent to….
I’m not even going to get into it.
I'm not going to go tomorrow to even give them my medical record release forms. I can mail those.
I am triggered. I am shaking and in a sweat. My face is read and I am crying. I don't even quite know why. I am filled with extreme panic. I’m not thinking very rationally. I need some outside input. I feel like I destroyed my life when I freaked out with my old trauma therapist and like I will never recover and I am worthy of death.
Please help me find a more rational way too look at this. This is really triggering me so bad. I am such a fool, why did I ever go there? Because I was desperate, very desperate.
I wanted a safety net. They turned out to be more like a lion's den. And I kept going back until this happened.
I know I can report the hell out of them to a bazillion regulatory agencies, and I might do that later on. Right now, I need to take care of me. Take care of my needs to get support and help. Maybe this is a good thing. Maybe it is a really good thing. And yet, I keep thinking I must be a horrible human being to be treated this way by "helpers"....
I feel so humiliated and embarrassed. I don't know why. I'm posting this here to try and keep the shame and all these confusing feelings from getting the better of me.
For right now, I am going to go write until these massive self injury urges pass. I am not going to let this mess cause me to relapse again like it did last week.
Thanks for letting me post this rambly mess of a post.
