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- #13
Sweetpea76
VIP Member
You cannot fix a flashback or her being triggered. Period. Trust me, if there was a way we as supporters could do that, we would.
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I had a friend who went through the I hate you/Ilove/don't leave me/get outta my life/I'll love you forever routine/I'll die without you routine. It drove him to therapy.
His girlfriend had him so confused about his own feelings he couldn't set boundaries with her. It's called emotional manipulation and it sounds like you're already in the trap. I watched him suffer for years after finally leaving her, unable to trust anyone again, having her online stalk and threaten him, always pleading that things would be different and she's better with him. It was all a smokescreen. Every time he went back it was only good for a while then she'd go back to her old self again. He finally had to leave and go No Contact to the point of moving, getting a new phone, new circle of friends etc. He's finally starting to adjust to his own life again and feel like himself.
Don't for once believe that you can save her, you have to stand your ground. Her recovery is not conditional upon you being there, it's up to her to want to get better On Her Own.
His girlfriend had him so confused about his own feelings he couldn't set boundaries with her. It's called emotional manipulation and it sounds like you're already in the trap. I watched him suffer for years after finally leaving her, unable to trust anyone again, having her online stalk and threaten him, always pleading that things would be different and she's better with him. It was all a smokescreen. Every time he went back it was only good for a while then she'd go back to her old self again. He finally had to leave and go No Contact to the point of moving, getting a new phone, new circle of friends etc. He's finally starting to adjust to his own life again and feel like himself.
Don't for once believe that you can save her, you have to stand your ground. Her recovery is not conditional upon you being there, it's up to her to want to get better On Her Own.
NikkiGAPEACH1970
Bronze Member
Yes I agree!!!! Run like hell!!! I was involved in a 3 year relationship with a PTSD, suicidal, manipulative man and was pushed to a mental breakdown!!!! Please run!!!
Yes, this is a disorder and you are taking it on. When I got married I started dreaming I was on a roller coaster every night and was going to get killed.
After almost 30 years I finally know my husband has an attachment disorder and does not feel or care how I feel. He enjoys hurting me. Others who knew him for 20 years before I did never knew he was like this.
I was raised with abuse and neglect so didn't know what loving treatment is like. He was what I was used to, but when my fantasy expectations of marriage were used against me to hurt me I became depressed, withdrawn, couldn't make friends.
Now that I know I am not at fault and have to take a stand, I am treating him the way he treats me just to keep him from continuing to destroy me. I hope to get out of this before I die. I had to deliberately stop my feeling he could be helped and it wasn't his fault he had a horrid past, but he could care less if I am in his life or not. He only uses me to make himself feel grandiose.
This type person will suck the life out of you. She may react (and I mean act) but will only take and never give or care.
- Post starter
- #17
J
John_Doe
Thanks for all the answers...
Do you think she manipulates me? I cannot believe she is... It seems she lives me, and just has problems... :(
Do you think she manipulates me? I cannot believe she is... It seems she lives me, and just has problems... :(
- Moderator
- #18
Sweetpea76
VIP Member
Absolutely she manipulates you!! She knows exactly what to say or do to make you come running and do exactly what she wants. Just from what you wrote she does it all the time.
Let me ask you this... why is it OK for anybody to treat you like that? I don't care what disorder somebody has... it does not make it OK for them to mind-screw you. Period.
Let me ask you this... why is it OK for anybody to treat you like that? I don't care what disorder somebody has... it does not make it OK for them to mind-screw you. Period.
Most people being emotionally manipulated don't often see it, oddly because they are emotionally invested in the relationship and thus too close to be objective. If the receipt of positive emotion occurs only if certain conditions are met then this is placing a condition on the emotional "reward" and thus it is using emotion to manipulate. Often times your own emotions can be played upon and used against you as well, and this too is emotional manipulation. In a relationship, emotional support should ideally, be given freely.
For example, my friend's ex used to promise to stop saying mean things to him, if he would show her how much he loved her more often (and he usually did, draining his bank account to try to keep her happy). She would be nice, sweet, loving and caring but only for short periods, then the Jekyll/Hyde thing would happen again. His receiving positive emotions from her was conditional upon his doing things for her.
When he'd go to end their relationship, she'd threaten to kill herself because life would be too difficult to face without him in it but because he actually cared for her, despite feeling the relationship had run it's course, he kept coming back to her in order to keep her from harming herself. It was his caring so deeply for her that made him unable to see what she was doing to him. She was using the fact that he cared so deeply for her (his emotion) to manipulate him into doing what she wanted and that was cater to her inability to be self reliant.
This may not apply to your relationship, I'm just trying to illustrate what my friend went through (and got stuck in) for many years despite feeling their actual relationship had only lasted 8 months. He was being emotionally abused and manipulated into staying in the relationship - the benefit of his being there was all hers, he received very little from being with her and he was exhausted trying to cater to her happiness without having anyone consistently reciprocate. He said, in retrospect, the good times were really good and that's what actually made him stay through the nightmare times, of which there were way more.
For example, my friend's ex used to promise to stop saying mean things to him, if he would show her how much he loved her more often (and he usually did, draining his bank account to try to keep her happy). She would be nice, sweet, loving and caring but only for short periods, then the Jekyll/Hyde thing would happen again. His receiving positive emotions from her was conditional upon his doing things for her.
When he'd go to end their relationship, she'd threaten to kill herself because life would be too difficult to face without him in it but because he actually cared for her, despite feeling the relationship had run it's course, he kept coming back to her in order to keep her from harming herself. It was his caring so deeply for her that made him unable to see what she was doing to him. She was using the fact that he cared so deeply for her (his emotion) to manipulate him into doing what she wanted and that was cater to her inability to be self reliant.
This may not apply to your relationship, I'm just trying to illustrate what my friend went through (and got stuck in) for many years despite feeling their actual relationship had only lasted 8 months. He was being emotionally abused and manipulated into staying in the relationship - the benefit of his being there was all hers, he received very little from being with her and he was exhausted trying to cater to her happiness without having anyone consistently reciprocate. He said, in retrospect, the good times were really good and that's what actually made him stay through the nightmare times, of which there were way more.
- Post starter
- #20
J
John_Doe
Maybe, but she told me last week, it is because I am not giving her love and respect that she needs... That I don't count her, and do just what is right for me... And she suffers because of it... She told me, she just want me to show her more and more love... And I am stuck.... Because I as I can see it, I do my best in order to make her happy... Maybe I am not doing all the things she wants, but I really try... And the experts I found for her, she told me she is doing it just in order to please me.... And I only need to show her that I love her... Because now, I am killing our relationship.... Maybe that is true, and I really need to try more..
Friday
Sponsor
That's called
- Blameshifting
- Gaslighting
- Completely avoiding personal responsibility for anything
I would / wouldn't _______, if you did / didn't do _______.
It can be fairly normal tit for tat (I would do the dishes, if you would vacuum) which still isn't super healthy as it turns a supposed partnership into a business relationship contingent on someone else doing something for you before you're willing to do something for them... But it is also the foundation for abuse:
I wouldn't hit you, if you didn't make me mad.
I wouldn't be suicidal, if you loved me more.
I wouldn't cheat on you, if you made me feel special.
Blah blah blah, blame blame blame, run run run.
- Blameshifting
- Gaslighting
- Completely avoiding personal responsibility for anything
I would / wouldn't _______, if you did / didn't do _______.
It can be fairly normal tit for tat (I would do the dishes, if you would vacuum) which still isn't super healthy as it turns a supposed partnership into a business relationship contingent on someone else doing something for you before you're willing to do something for them... But it is also the foundation for abuse:
I wouldn't hit you, if you didn't make me mad.
I wouldn't be suicidal, if you loved me more.
I wouldn't cheat on you, if you made me feel special.
Blah blah blah, blame blame blame, run run run.
- Moderator
- #22
Sweetpea76
VIP Member
How can you try any harder? She has got you completely twisted around her finger. SHE is killing your relationship by manipulating you and acting erratically.
- Admin
- #23
anthony
Founder
You're the one in the situation... so only you can make your decisions for you.
Unless you have lied in what you have said here... or left out a whole lot of bad stuff you do... then my above opinion stands.
A relationship is about give and take. Think of two circles, one you, one her. Now cross those circles about half way. You have a joint connection for half of your life, each, and the other half you must also be individuals, independent, self-sufficient to some degree. If your circles cross more than half, that is dependence, not an equal relationship of give and take.
It really is that simple to assess a relationship... but only you can draw those circles and how far they cross based on your lives.
- Post starter
- #24
J
John_Doe
Sorry for the long time... Thanks for all the answers.
After all the breaking up and comebacks, last week, when I broke up with her, she told me goodbye, but several minutes after asked to comeback. When I came back to her, I've notices something strange in her look, she told me to be with her for several hours and then go. When she was about to fainting, I've seen the empty pills boxes, when I've asked her what is this, she told me just to be here with her and it is nothing... I've called to 911 immediately and tool her to the hospital together with her parents - she tried to kill herself, and tool a LOT of pills... I've told to her parents that we are no longer together, and they told me OK, and took responsibility of her.
She called me the day after, and told me that it is not about me, it is about her hard period because of flashbacks and other things that are in her life... She asked me not to leave her, told me that we will work about together, and she is seeking for professional help (together with her parents), she decided to go back to doctors.
She is convincing me that to break up is a wrong way, that we need to work about all the thing together, she is ready to do it. When I've told her that the relationship comes to an end, not because of her problems, just because it happened, she is against it, and asking me not to leave her now, to give her time, to start again and work about all the things together, that she needs me, and she wants only to marry me... She told me that it will work, and we can do it.
I'm trying to convince her to continue her life without me, but she is against it... She telling me clever and true things that we should start to work and solve the problems together, and seek together for professional help.
From my side, I've ended this relationship, I told her that I cannot promise her anything and we cannot be together, and she should take care of herself first. However, of course I miss her, and she knows it, and offers me all the time that she will come to me and everything will be OK.
I told her that we did a lot of things, and I cannot try anymore, not after all the things that happened. But she continues to fight for me and for the love...
I'm stuck, don't know what to do...?
After all the breaking up and comebacks, last week, when I broke up with her, she told me goodbye, but several minutes after asked to comeback. When I came back to her, I've notices something strange in her look, she told me to be with her for several hours and then go. When she was about to fainting, I've seen the empty pills boxes, when I've asked her what is this, she told me just to be here with her and it is nothing... I've called to 911 immediately and tool her to the hospital together with her parents - she tried to kill herself, and tool a LOT of pills... I've told to her parents that we are no longer together, and they told me OK, and took responsibility of her.
She called me the day after, and told me that it is not about me, it is about her hard period because of flashbacks and other things that are in her life... She asked me not to leave her, told me that we will work about together, and she is seeking for professional help (together with her parents), she decided to go back to doctors.
She is convincing me that to break up is a wrong way, that we need to work about all the thing together, she is ready to do it. When I've told her that the relationship comes to an end, not because of her problems, just because it happened, she is against it, and asking me not to leave her now, to give her time, to start again and work about all the things together, that she needs me, and she wants only to marry me... She told me that it will work, and we can do it.
I'm trying to convince her to continue her life without me, but she is against it... She telling me clever and true things that we should start to work and solve the problems together, and seek together for professional help.
From my side, I've ended this relationship, I told her that I cannot promise her anything and we cannot be together, and she should take care of herself first. However, of course I miss her, and she knows it, and offers me all the time that she will come to me and everything will be OK.
I told her that we did a lot of things, and I cannot try anymore, not after all the things that happened. But she continues to fight for me and for the love...
I'm stuck, don't know what to do...?
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