Relationship To All Supporters!

[Saint Nik]

When I first came on this site, I found many, many people blaming PTSD for their relationship becoming unhealthy. Such questions were being posed: " I don't think he/she even cares about me. Ever since they have been diagnosed with PTSD, I feel wrong and terrible for thinking in such a way." and other ones: "They just withdraw so much. What do they want/need me to do? How can I support my PTSD sufferer?"
I would read these threads, posts. . . it would begin to upset me. Are we 'human beings' by the way, that have developed PTSD really this bad in relationships? It got me putting up my own post and asking - Is there supporters out there in healthy PTSD relationships? Some replied, but mainly people wanted to come on here and state how bad their relationship was and they didn't know what to do anymore about it.
This was a number of weeks this would bother me, it even niggled into my own relationship and my own supporter. I would ask him the same questions most of you ask on this site. He would always tell me the same over again. . . he doesn't see PTSD as an issue, he understands that the shit I have been through is what ANY human being would go through if they were as traumatized as I were. He is compassionate and empathizes, but not to the detriment of draining himself in the process:

• It doesn't stop him from living and being a functioning adult.
• He isn't my keeper, babysitter, minder, carer. . . he is a friend, my best friend and supporter.
• He is very self-aware of himself and knows if he has issues, it's not down to my PTSD, but actually down to an issue of his own and he has the decency to own up to it and deal with it. Either with my help or by himself.
• He makes clear boundaries with me. If he can help or do whatever I need him to do at that given time, he will. If not? Then he will let me know there and then. He will also tell me it's getting tough and we both can sit down and have a coffee together and chat. This helps, because we both find out about each others boundaries and start to make compromises or some form of understanding with each other. Both feelings are validated, regardless of the diagnose of PTSD.
• Communicate. So important. If you are wanting your feelings and needs met. . .communicate them. We are human and we are all struggling some issue. Honesty about your feelings will help you connect with your partner - regardless of PTSD. Everyone, and I mean absolutely everyone wants to know where they stand with each other. No-one is no different. Communication is key.
• Mind games do not work. If anything, they will make anyone struggling with trauma ten times worse. Be frank and honest as much as possible. If it's tough and you can't handle it, at least be honest with them, if you can't be honest with them, be honest with yourself. Do you even want to be in a relationship with them?
• The biggie, (well for me) don't stay for pity or because you feel sorry for anyone suffering PTSD. Don't do it. It's not nice at all. Yeah, many of us have a horrific, scary or sad story to tell. We all do. But in no way do we want the pity party and the sympathy vote. Sympathy makes us drown more and bring you down with us. It's empathy and compassion we need. What's the difference? Well, think about your PTSD sufferer being stuck in black man hole. He can't get out. He looks up to you for help. You look down on him and want to help. What do you do? Well you can either stand there and tell him, " Oh, what a terrible situation you have found yourself, I will stay here for as long as it takes and we can talk about how horrible this is for you. . ." (sympathy)! Or, you can look around for help? Look for a good therapist together? A doctor? Some other help. . . it's like spotting a ladder. You take the ladder and put it down the man-hole. He is too scared to climb up it, so you climb down there with him. You tell him, " Looks scary down here. I'm here with you right now. We both can get through this together. You want my help? Because I am here for you!" and you leave it up to him to climb up that ladder with you and this is called (empathy) and if he chooses not to go with you? You get out that man-hole and you have to walk away for you. It isn't cruel. It's being kind to you. You can go back if you wish to see if he changes his mind. That is up to you. But, find your limit and no-one knows what your limit is, that is going to be up to you.
• Establish what you want in the relationship too. Make it clear on what you will do and wont do. All human beings should do it. Babies do it, they cry to be fed, to be changed, to be cuddled. Express.
• Check your own agenda and motive. What are you in the relationship for? Are you getting something out of it yourself? No matter how unhealthy it feels? Instead of looking to blame the PTSD, own your own issue, where are you coming from? What is the reason you really stay? Do you maybe need therapy, rather than the person struggling with PTSD? Have you maybe got unresolved issue's of your own and the person with PTSD is triggering that off for you? Always check were you come from. And a huge one people overlook all the time. Are you projecting? He is withdrawing from me again (or is it you that is withdrawing? Maybe not from him, but from yourself? Get your own needs and wants checked first, stop looking out there and go inwardly, where are you at right now? What do you feel? What do you need? What do you want? Desire? Care for? etc)
• Be open, be honest, communicate, check your own agenda and motives, don't result to sulking and keeping things to yourself, validate each other's feelings that life is hard for us all. Not just because we suffer from PTSD. In a way, we all will suffer this at some point. We are all in it together, we are all going to die, none of us are going to make it. And with that fact, let's learn to have more compassion, more honesty, more love for one another!
• No more competition who suffers the most. No more who is hurting the most. Suffering is still suffering. We only connect and meet in the middle when we admit to ourselves and each other we are in pain, can you help me? Yes, I can help, or no, I can't. . .but we can try this or that, etc.
• And the last one. No expectations. Expectations will only breed massive disappointments. Expectations get us nowhere in the end, they only lead to resent, bitterness and as I said before. . disappointments. So ask yourself, what are you expecting but not getting in return? Find your answer and deal with your answer in your own way. Less expectations takes the pressure off many relationships, regardless of PTSD!

Maybe I am a dreamer, but I'm not the only one (John Lennon) I just thought I would put this up for supporters, because my partner is my supporter, my hero. . . and not because he is 'curing me' because he isn't. Not because he takes it all away, because he can't. All he does is listen, be there, care, love, try, understand (when he can), talk it through (if we want), communicate with each other, be honest with each other, never allow things to get bad, never neglect underlying issues we suddenly become aware of, become aware of each other as much as possible, learn more and educate ourselves more about this disorder and try new things, allow myself to fail, find out what works and what doesn't. This is a healthy relationship.
There will be really tough days, and these tough days might not have anything to do with PTSD (check that out too!) But when it is PTSD, we battle on, fight on and do whatever it is to make ourselves comfortable, feel safe and do anything we can do to get through this one more time, until the next time.

You seriously need to investigate all the issues you or they may have in the relationship. Become aware of everything if you can, leaving no stone unturned. No longer blaming it on PTSD. This disorder is already claiming lives and prisoners and holding people hostage. So, become your own judge, lawyer, officer, negotiator to get through. Educate yourself as much as you can. Question everything and everyone about PTSD or other underlying issues of your relationship. Don't just stop at the feeling - Oh wait, my partner has been diagnosed with PTSD and I feel he isn't there for me, he ignores me, he cheats on me, he hurts me, speaks to me like shit, etc. . . .Find all the reasons you can for it or leave. Not everyone with PTSD cheats, lies, steals, treats others like shit, and becomes the narcissistic asshole! So please. Really look inwardly and start asking yourself serious questions. Do you really know enough about PTSD to blame your unhealthy relationship on it?

Thanks for reading. :)

 

[LoveAVictim]

Thank you for your post. As a supporter it was helpful to read. I'm fairly new at being a supporter at the level I am now and have been struggling a little. Not in the aspect of if I want to be there or not, but knowing how to best support and be there the "right" way.

 

[Saint Nik]

be there the "right" way.

There is no right or wrong way. There is only the kind way. Being kind to yourself and being kind to whoever you are supporting.

Thanks for reading. :hug:

 

[anthony]

All he does is listen, be there, care, love, try, understand (when he can), talk it through (if we want), communicate with each other, be honest with each other, never allow things to get bad, never neglect underlying issues we suddenly become aware of, become aware of each other as much as possible, learn more and educate ourselves more about this disorder and try new things, allow myself to fail, find out what works and what doesn't. This is a healthy relationship.

So just to clarify -- you believe every supporter should be as capable as your supporter, and that every sufferer should treat their supporter as you do?

This is very idealistic, don't you think.

This forum handles a small fraction of the chaos occurring in the world. Many people find this resource when things hit a limit that they can no longer handle, thus they seek help, support, understanding. Not all sufferers treat their supporter like you may treat yours.

Whilst you may get upset over repetitive questions asked by people, it is because the issue is repetitive. A healthy relationship -- person gets PTSD -- suddenly everything is turned upside down. Yet you know the relationship can be healthy, because you had it.

Are they not valid reasons to ask such questions that annoy and frustrate you, personally?

Many points you make are valid, no doubt about it. Yet those same points are invalid in other situations, where it is the sufferer causing the supporter the problems, whilst being empathetic, caring, and all the qualities of someone loving another -- all fall on deaf ears when the sufferer doesn't respond like you personally.

 

[Saint Nik]

@anthony I don't know if you read the whole post or just skimmed. I was only trying to help. I am in no way expecting anyone to read my post and then all of a sudden they reach enlightenment and they can solve their relationship problem.
Yes, I have mentioned my own relationship and not in any way meaning it to come across that is how people should relate to each other. Yes, it is my experience and I have learned much from this relationship and thought sharing my experience might help another?
As you read through out the post, I just use pointers, such as Communicate with your partner, let your voice be heard, be honest with them, if you can't, then always with yourself! It was always about the supporter looking out for themselves, protecting themselves and being safe. But, no, I, in no way expect people to be idealistic. I just wanted to help and share my own experience!

I don't know what you mean by this question:

Are they not valid reasons to ask such questions that annoy and frustrate you, personally?

I am definitely not frustrated or annoyed in any way. I don't get upset over repetitive questions either, I just felt PTSD was an available or readily excuse for abusive, cruel or wicked behaviour - in some posts, not them all. I thought this site allowed all of us to have some say or express what we felt. I think that is why it was a long post as I have explained my reasons in the post too! I wanted to provoke or challenge supporters thinking and not just solely focus on PTSD for the difficulties in their relationship.

Have I did something wrong here? Have I offended in any way?

 

[Saint Nik]

Yet those same points are invalid in other situations

It is a generalised post. I didn't put up the post to save all supporters. That is beyond my scope. If the post can help a few or even one person, then great! If not, it's okay. I am like everyone else on this site and just sharing and expressing my own experiences, things I have learned and my own understanding of things.

where it is the sufferer causing the supporter the problems, whilst being empathetic, caring, and all the qualities of someone loving another -- all fall on deaf ears when the sufferer doesn't respond

I have been in situations like this and I understand completely what this feels like and have seen how sad or upset this has made my partner. No-one is perfect, I never claim to be.

The post if for anyone it may help. If no-one gets anything from it, nothing has been lost or gained. Maybe a few minutes of wasting time reading my post. But for others that it does help, I hope they get something from it, just for them and only them. The post was always about that. That supporters have needs and wants too and they have to be met, just as much as a person suffering from PTSD.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Have I did something wrong here? Have I offended in any way?

I'm going to go ahead and be the one who says it... I'm pretty chill most of the time, but I did find this particular post offensive. Not because of what you said, but the tone of the post itself.

First of all, even if you didn't intend to address us all, it was worded like you were addressing us all in a huge blanket statement. Like when you say...

I would put this up for supporters

You didn't say "some supporters" or "supporters who were having problems"... just "supporters." You also said "you need to do XYZ"...the blanket "you." It sounded like you were coming over here and telling us all what to do.

Then you rattled off a bunch of advice like you knew how to be the perfect supporter. No offense, but you have no idea what it is like to be a supporter just because you have a great supporter. Also, just because you have PTSD doesn't mean you know what it is like to be the partner of somebody with PTSD and deal with this disorder from the outside flying blind. To put it in perspective, how would you take it if I came over to the sufferer's section and told "the sufferers" what "you" should do... I know for certain because my sufferer is awesome and all we have to do is sit down and have a chat over coffee to solve any issues he may be having with his PTSD?

Like @anthony was saying, you cannot know what the situation is when supporters come on here needing advice. Everybody is dealing with different things... even if the question seems repetitive to you. You may be able to sit down and have a rational conversation with your supporter, but that concept is Fantasyland sometimes. A supporter could be dealing with anything from a sufferer deep in some self hatred or emotional numbing mode, to say, a combat vet with severe rage issues he hasn't learned to manage yet... or just plain untreated unchecked PTSD. It is pretty daggone hard to sit down and conversate when your sufferer is symptomatic. And nobody comes on here to chat when their sufferer is doing good. If they were doing good we wouldn't be looking for PTSD supporter groups online.

It would have probably been less offensive if you just told us why you appreciated your supporter.

This was a number of weeks this would bother me, it even niggled into my own relationship and my own supporter. I would ask him the same questions most of you ask on this site.

If reading supporter threads bothers you this much, then maybe you shouldn't read them. I remember the thread you posted over here asking if any of us had "happy relationships" or whatnot, and it was somewhat condescending too... even if it wasn't the intention. It seems as if you are insecure and having some issues, and projecting them onto us.

 

[Saint Nik]

doesn't mean you know what it is like to be the partner of somebody with PTSD and deal with this disorder from the outside

This is where you are wrong. I have been a supporter of someone suffering from PTSD. That is why I put some pointers about communication is key, being honest and if you cannot be honest with the sufferer, be honest with yourself what your limits are. My post wasn't meant to be offensive.

It seems as if you are insecure and having some issues, and projecting them onto us.

This is an incredible assumption. This post wasn't directed towards YOU personally, but you have took it that way and now have became personal with me. If you would rather chat personally about this, please feel free to send a private message to clear up any misunderstanding, but please don't make assumptions about my character.

All I have did is express and put up a post of my own experience. My own understanding and like I said to Anthony

The post is for anyone it may help. If no-one gets anything from it, nothing has been lost or gained. Maybe a few minutes of wasting time reading my post. But for others that it does help, I hope they get something from it, just for them and only them. The post was always about that. That supporters have needs and wants too and they have to be met, just as much as a person suffering from PTSD.

 

[anthony]

Have I did something wrong here? Have I offended in any way?

No, you haven't done anything wrong. Yes, you may very well have offended people. They will respond if the case. You have put up your opinion... nothing wrong with that. You will get diverse opinions returned now.

I think as a sufferer, you have to be careful in telling supporters rights and wrongs. Not all relationships are created equal. Not all PTSD is created equal. You may have quite mild PTSD in relation to PTSD on the scale.

 

[Saint Nik]

It would have probably been less offensive if you just told us why you appreciated your supporter.

I take note of this too.
I have re-read back my post and I think I can understand why yourself and Anthony may have thought in the way you did. It was never my intention to offend. I like this site very much and the people on it. This site helps me every day. I think I just wanted to contribute and help. I always noticed that 'some' supporters problems were issues with (what sounded like to me) cruel people who have been diagnosed with PTSD. I wouldn't like the thought of any PTSD sufferer making excuses to be cruel or unkind to another human being because of their diagnose. Also, how supporters felt too guilty to walk away because of the PTSD. It was mainly heart felt when I read their posts.
Maybe I got carried away with my post, wanting to put across to all the supporters that they count too. That was all. I feel quite hurt and let down by myself for both of you thinking I was so offensive. I have checked and I cannot delete the thread. I just hope it doesn't provoke further offence, but just provokes the supporter to think of themselves first!

 

[Saint Nik]

I think as a sufferer, you have to be careful in telling supporters rights and wrongs.

I now realize that's how it looked. In all honesty, when I typed it I thought I was on to something so helpful. Oh, how wrong was I. But here, I have made my mistake and I will be glad to answer all replies and explain what I mean. Or try to!

 

[Truthful_Whispers]

Any relationship between someone who has one or more mental illnesses, and someone who does not, is going to be a complicated, winding road. I, personally, didn't see anything wrong with the post. There are no right or wrongs here. Any relationship with another human being is going to be a clusterf*ck. It's complicated, regardless.