It took most of last year to come to terms with the idea of being DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder) and now that I have, everything changes.
About a year ago I went through a period of very vivid flashbacks in which I began to act like a very young child. DH was with me onet night and began to speak to that little person, helping her through the flashback and asking her for a few more details. I was present the whole time, just watching from inside, kinda like from inside myself and becoming more and more aghast at the words coming from my mouth. This little one began to put pieces to the puzzle that we had never even imagined existed.
My T at the time didn't put too much weight on the situation and just suggested I find out if the little girl wanted to say anything else. Well, we never saw her again and T led me to believe that it was just my inner child, the one some T's get us to connect with from time to time during stressful and over emotional periods. I had all but forgotten the experience and nothing like this came up again for most of last year.
Around October last year, I began to feel a physical pressure building, like trying to hold back a tidal wave. I would go to T and just sit and shake and weep (very uncharacteristic) with a very clear feeling forming behind it all that :He (T) would not believe us. T suggested that I was in fact the one that would not believe and I would go home terrified by my research into DID and wondering if it was true, was it me that could not believe such a diagnosis - the answer. YES! I could not have DID, I could not have that!
The end of October brought two house guests and one crazy weekend of triggers and chaos which ended with me moving out for a few days to finally face it, whatever it was.
I had paper and pen and wrote down every thought and image which came to me. I simply asked 'who is there' and within an hour had discovered the names of three personas, who I realized had been there all along but I had not recognized. They knew each other and could interact and were happy to cooporate with me. Two had very specific traumas they were stuck in and one was a protector personality. Three days later I knew of eight personas, one of which is still unable to speak of her trauma and the other seven are all communicating and participating in therapy.
I found a T who specialized in DID and was told that DID is a very intelligent and creative coping mechanism (that mad me feel better) for people who have experiences very sever abuse. The new T helped me accepted these personas as parts of myself which need to be re-assacociated to one another so that they could all begin working together to give us all a healthier and more fluid life.
That healthier and more fluid life is still a long way away, but at least now within reach. Therapies such as exposure therapy are out of the question now, purposefully triggering children only adds to the trauma. We make use of EMDR and EFT. A few of the 'kids' get together from time to time to tell me more about the abuse and they only do so when they are not triggered. It is all about feeling safe and nurtured and they get plenty of that.
What I thought was cptsd dissociation and could spend hours trying to move, I now know is something altogether different - it is the overwhelm of too many personas all flooding emotion at once or all trying to be conscious at the same time ... I am learning how to communicate with them and they are learning how to hear me and respond.
There are way more than 8 personas now and a few more each month as everyone hears that it is safe to come out now. They pop up and speak at calm times, looking for shoes or being wowed by a movie .. it is sweet. It is no longer anything to be afraid of, It is a relief to finally have a diagnosis - this coping skill - to be off all meds - to sleep when I can get everyone to be quiet - to remember who I am without the constant fog of dissociation - to calm a little one in a flashback, even though i can feel it too - and every now and then to share the fun stuff - being overwhelmed by a christmas display and too many flavors of ice cream ... I get to relive childhood again!
I have been wanting to write this for a while ... a few of you talk often about your inner child struggling. It took me 43 years to be on the right healing journey for me. We all know we don't want to be on the wrong journey, we don't want to miss a day of not being on the right path - it takes too much from us, demands too much from our souls. I wanted to share my journey in case anyone reading realises they might be on the wrong healing path too. If you think this might be you, please ask for a re-assessment. I am co-conscious with all my personas which I why I never once thought I was DID ... to have DID one should lose time right? Not right? I don't lose time, I never have, but I am DID.
I would gladly respond to questions here and answer pm's to the best of my ability.
I have been on this journey for four months though ... it is all still new to me.
About a year ago I went through a period of very vivid flashbacks in which I began to act like a very young child. DH was with me onet night and began to speak to that little person, helping her through the flashback and asking her for a few more details. I was present the whole time, just watching from inside, kinda like from inside myself and becoming more and more aghast at the words coming from my mouth. This little one began to put pieces to the puzzle that we had never even imagined existed.
My T at the time didn't put too much weight on the situation and just suggested I find out if the little girl wanted to say anything else. Well, we never saw her again and T led me to believe that it was just my inner child, the one some T's get us to connect with from time to time during stressful and over emotional periods. I had all but forgotten the experience and nothing like this came up again for most of last year.
Around October last year, I began to feel a physical pressure building, like trying to hold back a tidal wave. I would go to T and just sit and shake and weep (very uncharacteristic) with a very clear feeling forming behind it all that :He (T) would not believe us. T suggested that I was in fact the one that would not believe and I would go home terrified by my research into DID and wondering if it was true, was it me that could not believe such a diagnosis - the answer. YES! I could not have DID, I could not have that!
The end of October brought two house guests and one crazy weekend of triggers and chaos which ended with me moving out for a few days to finally face it, whatever it was.
I had paper and pen and wrote down every thought and image which came to me. I simply asked 'who is there' and within an hour had discovered the names of three personas, who I realized had been there all along but I had not recognized. They knew each other and could interact and were happy to cooporate with me. Two had very specific traumas they were stuck in and one was a protector personality. Three days later I knew of eight personas, one of which is still unable to speak of her trauma and the other seven are all communicating and participating in therapy.
I found a T who specialized in DID and was told that DID is a very intelligent and creative coping mechanism (that mad me feel better) for people who have experiences very sever abuse. The new T helped me accepted these personas as parts of myself which need to be re-assacociated to one another so that they could all begin working together to give us all a healthier and more fluid life.
That healthier and more fluid life is still a long way away, but at least now within reach. Therapies such as exposure therapy are out of the question now, purposefully triggering children only adds to the trauma. We make use of EMDR and EFT. A few of the 'kids' get together from time to time to tell me more about the abuse and they only do so when they are not triggered. It is all about feeling safe and nurtured and they get plenty of that.
What I thought was cptsd dissociation and could spend hours trying to move, I now know is something altogether different - it is the overwhelm of too many personas all flooding emotion at once or all trying to be conscious at the same time ... I am learning how to communicate with them and they are learning how to hear me and respond.
There are way more than 8 personas now and a few more each month as everyone hears that it is safe to come out now. They pop up and speak at calm times, looking for shoes or being wowed by a movie .. it is sweet. It is no longer anything to be afraid of, It is a relief to finally have a diagnosis - this coping skill - to be off all meds - to sleep when I can get everyone to be quiet - to remember who I am without the constant fog of dissociation - to calm a little one in a flashback, even though i can feel it too - and every now and then to share the fun stuff - being overwhelmed by a christmas display and too many flavors of ice cream ... I get to relive childhood again!
I have been wanting to write this for a while ... a few of you talk often about your inner child struggling. It took me 43 years to be on the right healing journey for me. We all know we don't want to be on the wrong journey, we don't want to miss a day of not being on the right path - it takes too much from us, demands too much from our souls. I wanted to share my journey in case anyone reading realises they might be on the wrong healing path too. If you think this might be you, please ask for a re-assessment. I am co-conscious with all my personas which I why I never once thought I was DID ... to have DID one should lose time right? Not right? I don't lose time, I never have, but I am DID.
I would gladly respond to questions here and answer pm's to the best of my ability.
I have been on this journey for four months though ... it is all still new to me.
