Emdr Session Meltdown

[Marymickaela]

I had an EMDR session yesterday like no other and would like to know if I should be worried. I've been dx: PTSD, Bipolar, ADHD, sleep disorder, OCPD and have had a really bad year of health problems. Broken tooth, torn retina, macular pucker in my left eye. A fall the end of April causing a total tear in my rotator cuff tendon. Just had a sleep study 2 weeks ago.

During last week's EMDR session I was able to get in touch with the 4 y.o. old me as a little girl, scared and afraid. I thought that was an intense session.

Well yesterday we started the session with me telling her my psych doctor and I are working on me getting off so many meds. We stopped my ADHD med a week ago and cut my antidepressant from 20mg to 10mg. I stopped taking all sleeping pills on my own as they no longer were working. I filled her in on my week and I talked about how I can't take criticism as I've been getting a lot of that from my husband and one adult daughter. So we decided to do EMDR on my not being able to accept criticism.

I put the headphones on and told her I was feeling totally stressed. She asked me where I was feeling it? I said, my stomach hurt, my chest, my head was killing me. She told me to just notice this. I don’t even remember what I started talking about, but started getting really agitated and angry. I said nobody takes me seriously about being sick. I certainly didn't cause myself to have a tear in my retina, the tear in my shoulder tendon. Cancer when I was 26. My H says he's to the point of not being able to be supportive as all I do is go from one doctor to the next and he can't take it anymore. I said my youngest d called to tell me I was posting too much personal info on Facebook. I hung up, got so mad I took everything I ever posted down. The more I tried to express my upset the more agitated and angry I became until I got to the point I exploded, ripped the headset off my head and threw it to the ground, jumped up out of my chair, started ranting and raving, I walked over to the wall and hit it. I ranted on and on, pacing around the room.

About dealing with my mom’s death back in 1989, how I was got no support from my husband. I didn’t have time to take care of me then as I had to care for my dying mom, deal with my abusive dad and live back in the house with him, worrying about my 3yo who was staying with me. My 2 other daughters I left at home, the doctors, hospital, insurance, etc.

Less then a week after my mom died my H went to Florida on business and had oral sex with a prostitute. I came down sick from not taking care of myself during her illness. Well my H thought he’d given me Aids as back in 1989 people didn't know as much about Aids. I was so sick and he was being so nice to me, I felt so much love from him again. He was so supportive and I started to get better. I was falling in love with him all over again. ( I'm writing this, but when I was telling her this I was ranting.)

We got a stupid 50 cent bills in the mail from the dr's office, which turned out to be a test my H had gotten for Aids. He thought he'd paid the bill, but they sent an invoice to our house for 50 cents, which I happened to open. He thought I was going to call them about it so he decided to tell me what he'd done. Why of all days, Christmas Eve, did he choose to tell me in the parking lot of a shopping center the reason he’d gotten that 50 cent bill?. I was devastated and my world came crashing down. I got sick again. I never would have questioned that bill.

I can’t remember if some of what I’m writing was when I was sitting and /or when I was storming around the room ranting. I said I did start to get better in 97 while doing Reiki until my teen daughter got pregnant. I started seeing a psychiatrist in 2001. The dr. put me on meds and more meds and more meds. I said she felt sorry for me as she was also seeing my youngest d who was bipolar and in and out of the hospital. I ruminated constantly back then about my granddaughter being kidnapped by her bio-dad.

I had a job I loved and they were my family. Then when I had my breakdown in 2003 I lost all of it. All my friends, my family. I had no one to talk to, to confide in, get support from. My world came spiraling down around me.

At some point my Tdoc asked me if I could sit back down and put the headset back on again. I said I didn’t think I could, but I finally did, I said I must have broken the headset. She assured me I hadn’t, and plugged it back in. I started listening to the tones again. I felt a little calmer and honestly don’t remember what we talked about from then on. We ran out of time so I knew I had to leave. This is just a snippet of what I ranted about. I went on and on and on and on and we only had 20 min.

As I was leaving my Tdoc said not to make too cuts to my meds too fast. I really want to call her today as we had no time to process my meltdown. What this normal? What this mania? (I'm bipolar) After I left I went to the bathroom and started crying and moaning in misery. Should I call her?

I hope this makes some sort of sense. Thanks for listening.

 

[Truthful_Whispers]

About the end of the 2nd week into my emdr sessions, I got over stressed. I hit an emotional wall, and told the therapist that I had to stop the sessions for a while. 15 yrs ago, I went through a nasty divorce and my father's death at nearly the same time. just for spite, my ex told me that she was going to commit suicide, and take our daughter's life too. If that wasn't enough to put me under.. Also, in the same timeframe, I had to make the legal decision to end my father's life, since he was on life support, and he was braindead. It wasn't long after that when I had my first true breakdown. I had 3 others in the years after that, most requiring hospitalization and being on suicide watch. Taper your meds off very slowly, or you could have a breakdown. If you need to, go to the local emergency room and they will have a crisis worker assess your emotional condition. You have been and are going through a lot. Best of luck

 

[Green pastures]

@Marymickaela you processed a lot of hidden hurts. The therapist didn't leave she stayed. She allowed you to process it. Even if you don't remember it right now that is okay. This is one step on the puzzle. I understand the need to f*cking understand the understandable. I also hate labels (not saying you do just explaining my point of view and trying to give a part of myself to you) so when I have crazy shit happen which it did this morning. I will pm it to you if you want it is too emnarassing to write for the world to see. However I will say what happened. Was just today. It is like me watching something happening to me and I see it happening it looks like me and sounds like me as a baby. Anyway that is all I can say just know my point is...your therapist if are a true empathetic helper then they will accept you, where you are, without judgement. Also I have to say you are a very strong person to hold all this in for so long and you we're able to process it in the way you needed.. in a safe place! Really I understand the shame of seeing all negative I hope you hear how I am saying this with love and encouragement. Be gentle on yourself and try to see the positive and try to love yourself and do something just for you. ...like what do you enjoy? Drawing? Coloring? Playing solitaire? Reading? Watching some relaxing comforting silly or zany movie. Do things that will not lead to further self-judgement (as in for me I have zero boundaries and when I play games on my phone I just spend because I feel like it no thought involved other than I need it to complete a task this dollar amount will assist with that task so logically I spend the money) then I feel guilty and ashamed that I failed again. When I do this my therapist tells me try to wrote for 15 minutes about why I feel like I need to spend the money before I do. (I still even today failed and spent more money...then had can't explain it other than strange things happen).
Now if you are worried try to describe the feeling... why you are worried. Thats another thing my therapist has taught me. I'm not saying I understand you... I am only trying to share with you empathetically what I have learned in hopes of helping you. And once you have described why you worry about what you feel like why you feel you need to call...call her then and of you can explain it without emotion. Wait that is what I would do because time I cannot function with emotions so maybe do not listen to that.
I will stop now I am thinking about you and I am praying for you. Be gentle on yourself @Marymickaela and know you are loved.. just the way you are...and you are choosing to get the help you need. Yay!

 

[Crow]

My T had to not use the sounds on me and just the eye movement. The combo was too much simulation and sent me into a five day spiraling manic. Very dangerous. Also my current T slowed down the eye movement which reduced over stimulation and has helped emmense.

 

[Truthful_Whispers]

My T had to not use the sounds on me and just the eye movement. The combo was too much simulation a...

I had both the bouncing red dot and audio. Since I had played PONG so much when I was young, I could keep track of the dot going back and forth at very high speeds. lol

 

[Green pastures]

I have only successfully processed on memory. It was weird - and it was not with a machine at all - she used touch on the sides of my legs and her hands were the "movement" and that worked for me. That is a good point @CrowFeather thank you. You reminded me of what worked for me. I need to remember to verbally remind my therapist. I already emailed her (because it is honestly HOW I process during the week in-between our sessions) but that is just me. @Whispering_Truth lol that is awesome because I know I would be the same way with lights... I have only tried the paddle like things (actually they are very small and fit in the palm of my hands but I squeeze so hard I am actually scared I would break them so it was blocking my processing I believe - so the fact she switched to what works for me - is a blessing!
Anyway - I have to say this week - has been like an awakening of me seeing a tiny glimmer of REAL hope and guess what? I like it. I refuse to get caught up in it.
However, not my thread so -- @Marymickaela I hope all is okay. gentle :hug::hug:

 

[Justmehere]

Well yesterday we started the session with me telling her my psych doctor and I are working on me getting off so many meds. We stopped my ADHD med a week ago and cut my antidepressant from 20mg to 10mg. I stopped taking all sleeping pills on my own as they no longer were working.

First of all, before going any further, this is huge medication shift. It seems like perhaps you are having a quick taper on one (the antidepressant) and stopped others cold turkey or with similar quick tapers? Going off so many medications all at the same time could be a major factor in your irritability during the week and the outburst in session. The withdrawal effects of psych medications can cause irritability, increased reactivity, and can lead to people acting out in a variety of ways.

I would suggest talking with your doctor and finding a slower taper off the medications. Even if they were no longer working, your body was still adjusted to functioning with them. It will take some time for your body to adjust to functioning without them.

I know that for me, on days I don't take ADHD medication, I am MUCH more likely to meltdown. It takes 6-8 weeks completely off ADHD meds before my increased reactivity goes back to baseline. For others, it can take even longer.

Even if there is no withdrawal factors playing a role, ADHD medications do suppress impulsiveness. Melting down is inherently an impulsive act. This could be the first time you are doing such deep work off the medication, and both you and the therapist were not expecting this to come up.

I can completely understand deciding to stop the medications. It is important to keep in mind that the medications may have been helping you in ways that you didn't know. While you may not have been improving, the medications may have been preventing you from feeling worse, like you are now. I'm not saying you should go back on them. Psych, sleep, and ADHD meds can come with a lot of drawbacks, and sometimes they do stop working. I'm only trying to say that it may take a little time to learn how to manage everything you are going through in a different way without medications.

Your therapist was absolutely right to advise you to not cut back on too many medications too quickly. I would heed her advice and re-group with your doctor.

It would be a good idea to talk with her in more detail about what happened at the next session. If you start feeling like you just can't cope or start feeling more out of control, it might be a good idea to give her a call. I don't think you have anything to feel ashamed or worried about in regards to your relationship with her, but there seems like some good reasons to pause and process what happened, especially because it has left you so shaken and upset.

One meltdown in session is usually not enough to be a full blown manic state. However, combined with some of the other things going on, even the desire to quit so many meds so quickly, that could be a warning sign you are experiencing mania or hypomania. I hope you ask your doc and therapist about your concern you could be manic. Your meltdown could also be due to the processing or the trauma it linked to or the crappy week or the medication changes or so many factors...

In the end, the more you communicate to your treatment team about how you are struggling, the better off they can help.

I filled her in on my week and I talked about how I can't take criticism as I've been getting a lot of that from my husband and one adult daughter. So we decided to do EMDR on my not being able to accept criticism.

I don't know if the problem really is your inability to accept criticism. You really have been dealing with a lot lately. However, it does make sense that it's a good place to start to process how the criticism feels and what it might be connected to. I'm a little concerned your therapist saw you become so agitated prior to the meltdown, and didn't slow down the processing.

EMDR can stir up a lot of things when doing it, and later after the session. It seems like this session stirred up a little too much while you were already in a really emotionally vulnerable state from the change in medications.

If EMDR has been helpful for you up to this point, and it sounds like it has been, I don't see a need to stop doing EMDR. I would talk with the therapist how to go a little more slowly and paced, so that you can leave the sessions feeling like good work was done, and not so shaken by it.

This may have been a really rough session, but one that may be a great one to learn from as you move forward in your treatment and recovery process.

p.s. I'm sorry your family member was a jerk about your facebook posts, and that your husband is abandoning supporting you more, and for all that you are going through. :hug:

 

[Marymickaela]

Thank you so much for all your replies. I will re-read them again when I have time and respond. I did leave a message for my Tdoc to call me. I've only called her once before and she didn't return my call until late afternoon. I've only been with her for 4 months and love her. I love the way we do EMDR. I tried it with somebody else about 3 years ago and she used her finger in front of my face which I found annoying, plus we weren't a good fit. This way I can feel no intrusion. Just close my eyes, listen to the tones and try to move my eyes in synch with them. I'm able to be immersed in the moment. She says as little as possible and she's the best thing that's ever happened to me. I've been in traditional talk therapy for over 10 years. The Tdoc before this one was nice, but more like a friend and I would see her once a month to just check in. We'd end up talking about my weight, and other things like that. No real therapy work. She was able to point out when I was getting manic thou.

I slept last night really good until about 4am. Even after taking some Benadryl I couldn't go back to sleep so got up, wrote this, played on the computer. Around 9:30am H got up and I decided to go back to bed. I'm trying to decrease my Klonopin from 3mg a day down to 2.5mg. Instead I took a 2mg and more Benadryl to help me go back to sleep, which I did. I know I'm addicted to the Klonopin and don't think it really is helping me, but it's just an automatic go to when feeling stressed. Last night I had taken a total of 5mg and tonight it will be at least 4mg.

I didn't think about the meds causing some of my meltdown, but it kind of makes sense. In a way I'm glad she saw that rage and anger as I have had a lifelong problem with it. Only I've suppressed it in front of strangers so it comes out by making me sick. I have CFS/Fibromyalgia since the 90s. I really don't know, but feel I might have stepped my therapy forward by months letting her see that part of me.

One thing that leads me to believe this might be mania or ADHD is my impulsiveness. My d criticized my posting on Facebook and I immediately hung up and deleted any of my posts dealing with health problems. Then I started kicking myself for not archiving them before deleting them as it was a good record of everything that's happened to me this year.

 

[Green pastures]

I didn't think about the meds causing some of my meltdown, but it kind of makes sense. In a way I'm glad she saw that rage and anger as I have had a lifelong problem with it. Only I've suppressed it in front of strangers so it comes out by making me sick. I have CFS/Fibromyalgia since the 90s. I really don't know, but feel I might have stepped my therapy forward by months letting her see that part of me.

I think it is a good thing also and love that you see it has stepped up your therapy forward by months - when you were allowed to show all of yourself to her!!! go YOU!! :hug::inlove::ninja:

 

[Marymickaela]

About the end of the 2nd week into my emdr sessions, I got over stressed. I hit an emotional wa...

Thank you for your reply. Wow, you have been thru so much. I'm not feeling irritable at all today, just very tired. So going to rest and play on the computer. I would never go to the hospital as I was in and out of the hospital in 2003/2004/2005. Only good one was the last one.

 

[Marymickaela]

@Marymickaela you processed a lot of hidden hurts. The therapist didn't leave...

Thank you so much for replying. You gave me some great advice and I'd love for you to PM me what happened to you this morning.

Feeling so grateful for finding this site as I have nobody to talk to between sessions. I'd go everyday if I could.

 

[Marymickaela]

Thank you so much for replying. You gave me some great advice and I'd love for you to PM me what h...

I know it sounds crazy but really do feel I've stepped up my therapy by months. I've gotten more out of therapy with this Tdoc, and our EMDR sessions then the last 11+ years in traditional therapy.