Emotional Numbing And Trauma Addiction?

[theshadowoftheliving]

I can't feel emotions most of the time. Numb, useless, tuned-out - and happy that way. I love my line of work and immerse myself sometimes because it is all about thinking, interpreting and action, minus the emotional.

But then, sometimes I wish I could feel. I've been told that I'm theatrical, but really, it's just because I'm trying to mimic how emotions should look, saying the right thing when someone is upset, or acting happy when something good happens. I'm smart enough to understand what I SHOULD feel, but I just can't connect with others. I'm so cold and hollow and I hate it - because I don't think I'm a cold person, I'm just incredibly numb at the moment.

The only emotions I CAN feel right now are the ones that I had during the trauma. Fear, panic, shame. Sometimes sadness, sometimes rage, but mostly just fear that escalates until my mind shuts down completely. While I hate feeling these things, I think I seek out moments when I DO feel these emotions, because they are the only things I feel at all.

Working on mindfulness, but it's so hard. I feel like I'm so dead inside sometimes that I just want to kill the body this already-dead-person inhabits. And I hate myself for seeking out reenactments of the trauma/yearning for those original emotions.

So much shame, and no idea how to break this cycle.

 

[Friday]

My experience is that faking normal simply prolongs it. I do it when I feel the exchange is worth it, but otherwise try and avoid it as much as possible. Doesn't mean I just sit in rage, pain, guilt, etc. feeding them, though.

 

[jaccat]

Don't really have much advice on how to tackle this. It's taken me more than a year of therapy to even begin to feel again, and mostly it's just snatches. But, if you're recognising that you are feeling the negative feelings- the fear and shame, then that is actually a massive thing. When I shut down I wasn't recognising any feelings at all. It sounds to me like you've already made a start.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

I feel like I have to fake it all the time. I'm constantly surrounded by people - the ones I live with, friends, family, coworkers.

It's not faking it that is the problem - the lack of being able to MAKE it, to feel things, for real.

I'm just so tired of feeling so dead inside.

@jaccat - I think I'm only really feeling these things in the form of flashbacks and the like. Maybe some other times, but feeling them at all hijacks my brain back to twenty five years ago ... maybe the feelings are what cause the flashbacks sometimes? So confusing.

 

[Chava]

I relate to a lot of this. It was weird to recognize that I don't actually tolerate good feelings very well! I'm glad I have a therapist who understands this (my last one was always pushing me to go out and have more FUN!). But, this is something I've worked on....allowing myself to feel a little bit of good or joy. NOT TOO MUCH (I don't deserve much). But a little. I have to consciously work at it...finding what gives me some sense of joy. This counters the numbness and the bad feelings. Sometimes it's artwork or some new music I find. Often I just like going for a walk in the woods, listening and watching and just being with my surroundings.

Lately I also feel comfort from hugging a stuffed animal, snuggling more with my pets, or even noticing the softness of a blanket. For all the previous years of my life I could not feel or accept comfort. It would not register and I'm sure I just avoided it. I only did suffering. I've also been allowing myself to just slow down and watch a comedy once in a while! This is all different for me and I've eased into it over the past few years...all this stuff of self care, letting myself slow down or feel soothed, or comforted, or even feel some joy or humor. I think it's really important for shifting out of deadness, which I relate to quite well.

Is there anything "good" that helps you feel less dead, that you can tolerate? Even just a few minutes? A nice smell, taste, arts or crafts project, other activity? A song? Dancing? A comedy? Just curling up in a blanket? Then let yourself feel numb too. The thing seems to be not pushing yourself to change everything, but make little changes or allow little good experiences while accepting that part of you feels mostly safe with numbness for now.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

@Chava - I'm not quite sure what makes me feel good. I think that's part of the problem. I have been enjoying stretching and yoga, and I've been trying to learn to meditate, but that frustrates me beyond pleasure most of the time.

I'm realizing that I'm not a risk-taker in the most obvious way (no skydiving or extreme sports, or things that put me in physical danger) but I feel most alive when I am pushing myself to the extreme - sleepless nights working on projects, with wine to lull me into a few hours of sleep before I wake up and chug coffee, then running like a maniac with a list of tasks in hand. The satisfaction I get from pushing my body and mind to the brink this way is unparalleled by anything else. Adrenaline coursing, feeling superior to others, the vibration of thoughts and action .... Slowing down panics me. I'm on or I'm off, and the middle part is scary because it allows space for thoughts and feelings.

I'm in the middle of a manic push into September, with lots of work projects and moving into a new apartment in two days, so I'm having trouble thinking about curling up with a blanket or trying to feel something other than the adrenaline. I just wish I knew how to be happy about things that are good, or connect to the people around me.

Trying to breathe. I think you're right, about slowing down. That's the hardest thing for me.

 

[Rumors]

I could have written many of these replies. I stay perpetually busy. I can go from fine to angry but I don't do sad, hurt, happy, etc at all. What is up with that? If I feel the ambition to cry I choke it down with anger. Then, I numb out and just go off into fairy tale land so I don't overflow. It's crazy. It was a lifetime of hearing my dad tell me that everything I felt was "ridiculous" and my mom back him up. Ugh....

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

I could have written many of these replies. I stay perpetually busy. I can go from fine to angry but I...

I'm sorry you struggle, too. This stuff is so hard.

I totally understand about being told that you are overreacting - that was the story of my childhood. I was either overreacting (reacting to trauma) or completely numbed out. I would be praised when I managed to dissociate all my feelings, because that meant that I was 'calm' and easy to deal with. Now, it's a lifetime of unlearning ....

 

[Chava]

I just wish I knew how to be happy about things that are good, or connect to the people around me.

Me too. Though good feelings are easier for me lately. Slowing down is important, but I have no advice on how to do it. I was sort of forced because of medical issues...and it was painful to slow down. It's been a long weird process. I think other people find ways to ease into it through saying "no" to some things but yes to slower things like down time, yoga class, meditation, whatever. I just had to run into a wall though. Still don't connect well with others, but feeling good is easier. All a long and winding road it seems.

Moving is nuts...good luck getting through that and settling in.

 

[Rumors]

I'm sorry you struggle, too. This stuff is so hard.

I totally understand about being told...

It is a lifetime of unlearning. I am really coming to grips with the fact that I numb EVERYTHING out that makes me feel something other than anger. If I think a topic might make me sad, I turn in to robot mode and just answer the bare necessities. I can be generic on any topic and no one know that I am really not engaged in the conversation. It sucks. No telling what I have missed out on. I wish it weren't so scary. I just expect that if I let myself out a little it will result in a big fat let down... I am not sure I could handle anyone else telling me that I am being ridiculous because something hurts... I can go from hurt to really pissed off in less than a millisecond! Lol. It would feel good, I think, just to have one person that I could let down with... <<<thought pops in my head that I am being ridiculous for thinking I need such a person>>>

 

[nessa3]

It was good to read all the replies because I have been struggling in therapy trying to feel more than the negative feelings...or numb.
I come up with alot of self hatred when any hint of vulnerable emotions try to come.
I had alot of abusive conditioning and betrayal so I have automatic blocks that protect me.
Its also fear ....I dont want to be hurt anymore.

 

[Teasel]

Hi @theshadowoftheliving some of what you say sounds a lot like my partner - not being able to connect or feel - being very into work where there aren't all the emotions to deal with, and the shame and being overwhelmed by emotions. .

Strangely a couple life events recently have jolted him so much and forced him to change some of his ways. Though he's found it extroadinarily difficult - painful health condition and change at work and significant reduction in pay - having always been fiercely proud of his strength and earning power - actually both things have succeeded in dislodging his defences of steel enough for him to start being able to feel again, is finding new interest in life, enjoying himself and opening up to me more.

I know for him the shame has been completely unbearable - driving him straight back into hiding everyone.

Was just wondering if yoube read much of Pete Walker's stuff? I know reading his stuff made a huge difference in me being able to understand what was happening and helped reduce the shame massively.

Lots of articles here on his site -
http://pete-walker.com/