When Self Care Is A Trigger

[sun seeker]

For those who haven't followed this, I reached a point of breakdown a few weeks ago. Basic living is a challenge. I'm working on it. But this part of it confuses me. I have been cooking hardly at all, and one part of that is that I just can't think my way through even simple tasks. Another part is that I am known as a cook, and as I am sifting through the ashes of my former personality I am rebelling at doing anything people have come to expect of me.

Fair enough, I understand both those things. But I'm starting to think about the need to take care of myself a little better on a physical level as I go through all the other work I am doing to heal. So today I set myself the task of cooking a simple meal. My anxiety went through the roof. It was as if I were feeling so worthless that I was telling myself "how DARE you think you are worth taking care of yourself like this?" It felt almost as if I needed permission to be preparing food for myself. Left it and came out here to post, and I'm fine again.

Can anyone relate? Any words of advice?

Sigh. I can't believe I've gotten to where I come close to a panic attack over boiling potatoes.

 

[shimmerz]

As you know, I have no answer for this as of yet, but will be watching this thread closely. For myself I am not certain that it is about self care so much as a 'brain wipe', that has had me lose skills I once had.

 

[Chava]

I'm not saying this eating disordered, but I relate to it from the eating disorder perspective (I had diagnosed anorexia, but it was quite atypical, another story...). I felt really depressed about having to gain weight...loads of shame around really living...versus, my typical semi-starvation, exhaustion, suffering, etc. I don't assume my basic needs were met very well when younger. All my cues were off. But what was the hardest to work through was the shame of taking care of myself and just trying to exist...it's like I was always worried someone would find out, like I was cheating death and stealing a chance at life. I'm starting to sound confusing....

Shame. ?

 

[KwanYingirl]

I always cooked healthy food for my children. Since they've grown and on their own, I lost interest. If they come to visit, I love cooking for them. Every year I make ginger garlic pickles. They love them. This year I got a boatload of organic pickling cukes at the farmers market and I just couldn't get motivated to make them. This is the new normal for me. I just don't feed myself. Depression?? Anxiety over tasks that take a long time? I can't even navigate my grocery store with any enthusiasm. Is there a drug for that? My best friend gave me a long lecture two weeks ago re: my starvation. It felt like an intervention! So yeah this self care business is on my mind too. My therapist says it's time for me to work on shame. Well, not much help for you, just feel your pain and wish you well.

 

[Friday]

For sure. On a few levels.

Hell, when I'm not doing well it's hard enough to remember to eat period... For a big part of this past year it's been snagging a spoonful of almond butter when I can think of it. Then... For the past 3 years I haven't cooked as much as I used to cook in 3 months. It's part of a different life, a life that is gone now, and I've been more than a little pissed the f*ck off about that.

The upside, is that I've been here before. The last time I was in a total PTSD-tailspin I had to completely relearn all the damn basics as well. About a year ago, that kind of clicked. IDK whether it's a PTSD thing, or a me-thing, but when I get really bad? I can't think, I can't breathe, I can't eat, I can't talk, I can't sleep right (all the time or not at all), I can't dress myself... List goes on. All the things a human being requires to function? Pfft. The average 4yo is more capable than I am when I'm doing badly. Dead serious on having to relearn all the damn basics.

Upside...they rarely converge all at once. (That's an effing disaster). I'm usually okay in at least a few areas, at least. Even if that makes the lagging ones stand out more.

 

[joeylittle]

I have an intense aversion to doing anything nice, considerate, or care-taking for myself. This includes cooking, but also all those things like take a bubble bath, get a massage, use some nice smelling lotion, light candles, make space and time for a relaxing cup of tea and a book, etc....pretty much all varieties of the traditional five senses self soothing techniques plus advanced self care.

How does it go for you if you cook a meal for someone else and happen to eat some of it? (Just curious).

Mostly, I'm posting to say that you're not alone. The best suggestion I can think of would be to ease into it. So, don't set out to cook a whole meal. Maybe cook a simple protein really simply and have everything else pre-prepared. Limit how much and how involved the cooking is. And know what your standby meal is - the thing that is shelf stable that is always edible. Mine changes every few months, these days it's oatmeal.

 

[sun seeker]

Thanks so much everybody. I think so far of what I've read, my experience is the closest to what @joeylittle is saying. Shame at taking care of myself. I'm trying to put my finger on where exactly this comes from. I've been doing some intense healing work on other levels and have identified a few key points where I learned to believe I was worthless, and am working on challenging that. It doesn't seem to have seeped into basic life stuff though, like cooking and eating healthy food or even dressing myself. It's not like for @FridayJones - I am still capable of dressing myself... but to dress in decent clothes, brush my hair, etc.? That feels like saying I am a worthwhile human being.

In a therapy session lately I connected with some gestational memories, and it feels like this goes back that far. The lesson I learned way back then was to take up as little space as possible, not to need, not to reach out into the world. It was where I learned a freeze response that has been my default ever since. I don't know if this makes sense to anyone, but it feels to me like my anxiety over self care is connected to that. It's like some authority figure will find out and point the finger of wrath at me for doing something nice for myself.

In some weird way it seems like it's connected to my attachment issues. It was significant when I said it feels like I need someone else to give me permission to cook, because that's like externalizing my right to live. Uggh. Not where I want to be headed.

Yes, I think I need to keep it really simple, only cook one thing at a time, have a lot of easy things ready. This is really changing my usual lifestyle. Ask anyone who knows me one thing they associate with me and they will probably mention that I'm a good cook. I don't know when or if that is going to be true again. Someone came over last week and I made tea and then said "Usually I would be bustling around making food, but I can't do that right now. If you are hungry, please help yourself." Very, very new to me.

How does it go for you if you cook a meal for someone else and happen to eat some of it?

This hasn't been going on for very long, but my sense is I would be too overwhelmed to figure out how to do that. A week or so ago a friend came over with ingredients to make chicken soup. My contribution was chopping an onion. I just don't seem to be able to think through anything with more than a few simple steps.

 

[Ronin]

@sun seeker, and can you think with those steps laid out for you? Recipes, other people telling you what to do or leaving a note of it, watching other people do the same things and mimicking what they do, things like that?

Chopping an onion is important. Soups taste so differently without onions / garlic / what have you. Specialization in small doses, kudos on that.

 

[Ronin]

To add: *permission to cook* sign in here.

(I hope that isn't boundary crossing, though you said 'someone', and I was taught if in something I can be that someone when it's not specified who should do things, to act.)

 

[sun seeker]

Thank you @Cashew! Mind if I put up a sign to that effect in my kitchen?

 

[sun seeker]

I had some interesting dreams last night. In one of them, I was at someone else's house (houses, in my dreams, are almost always someone else's) with a lot of other people, and attempted to cook some beans. Forgot about them and burned them, much to everyone's chagrin. Tried to throw the burnt beans in the garbage, only to find the garbage can was full to overflowing.

It doesn't take much to figure that one out. I can't go back to the things I used to be able to do until I get rid of the garbage (unprocessed memories I'm working with).

And know what your standby meal is - the thing that is shelf stable that is always edible. Mine changes every few months, these days it's oatmeal.

Cream of wheat. That seems to go down well and not raise my anxiety level too far.

 

[Ronin]

@sun seeker, totally not minding at all.

I seriously relate on the need, by the way. When I'm doing badly, blurting out fun things like 'am I allowed to breathe', veery commonly doubting if speaking is allowed, and all around that need for allowances makes a lot of sense to me.