Sufferer Diagnosed 1992, Treatment 2015

[MesaRock]

Hi everyone. I was diagnosed with primary PTSD in 1992, and just started treatment (somatic experiencing plus "normal" therapy) in August 2015, where I got additionally diagnosed with secondary PTSD after twenty years of personal and professional incidents in human rights work around conflict and post-conflict zones.

TWO MAIN PROBLEMS:
(1) I'm on indefinite medical leave, and I literally do not know what to do with myself through the long days. All my work my whole life has been trauma-related, and now all I do is the dishes if I'm strong enough to get out of bed and stop crying. I don't know what my future life or livelihood will be, because I'm not sure I can ever return to the work I was doing.

(2) I'm feeling extremely overwhelmed by the journey right now and what lies ahead: depression, debilitating anxiety, suicidal ideation, and despair - an overall fear that I'm not strong enough to get through this. I learned through my professional training to suppress my feelings, and now 30 years of them are all coming out literally at once. The pain, as I'm sure you all know, is agonizing beyond what I thought was possible, even though I'm familiar with very intense pain.

I have a marvelous supportive partner, but I am extremely lonely in the process because I don't know anyone else going through this, and feel completely out of my depth in managing the physical and psychiatric and emotional burdens that are overwhelming.

thank you for having this forum and I look forward to learning from you all.

 

[deer_in_headlights]

Welcome, MesaRock!

You're not alone... Many kindred PTSD Sufferers are here who have been seared by such agonizing internal pain. You don't have to hold in all those emotions, memories and thoughts anymore. You can safely release it in therapy and here. There is great wisdom here, and many who want to help and walk beside you.

You're not alone...
We care...
Welcome!
With love,
Deer

 

[intothelight]

@MesaRock Welcome to the forum!

Take the time to read as I believe you will find that you are not alone, as PTSD has a tendency to rear its ugly head many years later. Take advantage of the time that you have to focus on you and make your recovery your primary job. Yes, it does get worse before it gets better, but it can get better and that is the both the hope and the goal.

 

[MesaRock]

Welcome, MesaRock!

You're not alone... Many kindred PTSD Sufferers are here who have been sea...

Thank you. This started to flare badly in March, and I've been isolating myself pretty strongly, so this is a big step for me, and exciting. I built such a reputation as being the strong one who could handle anything, and a lot of friends and colleagues aren't really comprehending the massive changes I'm going through. I really appreciate the warmth and encouragement.

 

[MesaRock]

@MesaRock Welcome to the forum!

Take the time to read as I believe you will fi...

Curious why it gets worse. The first wave was relief, and then now it's just shame, shame, shame over losing so much daily functioning so quickly. I'm lucky to have a few months to concentrate on my healing, but I don't really know what that means beyond the weekly therapy appointment - my simple assignments of "being kind to myself" and "allowing myself to heal" and "letting go of the shame" are hardcore. I freak out when I try to take a bath or rest, because I SHOULD be working....argh. I'm going to read everything I can on this site and any suggestions for dealing with the shame and self-hatred would be awesome.

 

[deer_in_headlights]

Oh @MesaRock , are we ever kindred souls!

I have a delightful therapist who always catches me on the shame and frustration when I'm feeling incapacitated and non-functional, and helps me right back out of that so it doesn't make life more miserable.
We address what we can do to give myself permission to self-nurture, release stress, rest, heal, give myself a break and also gently to push through a little bit in areas I'd like to be able to do, again. (All of this is very gentle and encouraging to counter all those harmful, self-criticizing, self-hating internal messages we learned to pile mercilessly on ourselves. Abuse did that to us, we need to stop the abuse that continues on in our heads.)

Btw, you ARE working, and at a task most people never have the internal fortitude to attempt.
It is exhausting, it takes loads of energy, it's hard, it's frequently painful - and yet it is the best and finest work you will ever do.

Congratulations for your courage!

I hope you do something very nurturing and fun for you, today!
I'm sending hugs, if you accept them:hug:
Deer

 

[MesaRock]

Oh @MesaRock , are we ever kindred souls!

I have a delightful therapist wh...

Thank you so much. This really really helps. I've been so totally alone - this feels amazing! KINDNESS! EMPATHY! I really need to remember the bravery element - thanks for pointing it out. There are colleagues and friends who now avoid me because they're hoping they can keep it all pushed down forever, and others who are saying, "we don't know how you did it for so long" - something I apparently achieved for 30 years without even realizing how much I was suppressing and repressing. It's shocking. And I didn't even know until this month how extensive and complex the trauma even was until my therapist blatantly told me. I am looking at a whole new perspective on my life. Can't imagine the future. I sure hope the healing is strong, serious, and lasting and that I'm strong enough to do it. It's daunting. Very daunting. THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH FOR BEING IN IT TOO AND BEING SO EMPATHETIC.

 

[RavenGirl]

@MesaRock , I too kept everything in for over 30 years. NO ONE knew anything was wrong, everything that happened to me as a teen was never going to be spoken of; it was gong with me to my grave. I was tuff, I didn't need any help, I wasn't weak, I had a "perfect" life. A wonderful husband, twin boys, a good (but very stressful job), a beautiful home, etc. .. then the PTSD reared its ugly head! My world fell apart. That was June of this year. I have learned that I need to love myself as much as my family, say kind, positive affirmations to myself each day, take some me time, that it's NOT selfish to care for me, because when I care for me I actually am able to care even more for my family. SO CARE FOR YOURSELF, BE KIND TO YOURSELF, SAY NICE THINGS TO YOURSELF, and LEARN TO LOVE YOURSELF as you would love and care for someone else going through what you are. You are a beautiful person and you deserve to feel that way. ((Hugs)) Welcome, Ravengirl