Sufferer How To Confront My Pedophile Parent

[Wicked Shadow]

Hello Everyone! After listening to my friend talk about the support of this community, I've taken this step to share my angst, pain and confusion.

My mom has been married three times. She had my two older half sisters we'll call LG & LL. Then she divorced and got remarried to my father subsequently having me WS. After him she met my step father who had my step brother JJ in a previous marriage. After a while my dad and his girlfriend had my little half sister CR.
Three months after CR was born. .. She died of SIDS. I believe she was the lucky one since she never grew up in his house. Sadly my father caused damage all around before and after his divorce from my mom.

I learned through LL that during her pre-pubescent time, that he molested her. I watched as that f*cked her up for life.

• Needless to say I'm not sure if he ever molested me but by this time last year, I learned that he also molested LL.
• My heart broke. The many times when I had parties for my kids, they had to stand next to their rapist.

Now I have to confront my pedophile father and tell him that I'll never send my children over to see him without supervision.
I've talked with my therapist about it many times but I just can't seem to wake up and make the call.

:-(

Wicked Shadow.

 

[Stickler]

So he has or has not abused your kids? I mean, it doesn't sound like it but your wording's not clear? Letting them around him at all can unwittingly expose them to a grooming process.

...Another question: what positives does he add to your life and your kids' life by being in it? Is that worth the risk he represents?

How are they going to feel when they find out grandpa raped auntie LL, some time down the road?

The idea that someone they love was able to do something that malignant to someone else they love? That's a pretty disturbing thing.

...As someone(s) with repressed memories, we think there's a possibility having contact with him is bad for you.
I hope you aren't blanking anything out...but...well, child sex abusers tend to have multiple victims.

No answers, of course. The decisions are yours.

 

[seedling]

Do you have to call him? Can you email or mail him and tell him that way? It sounds like the less contact the better and no shame on you for that. Make it as easy as you can for yourself and don't worry about sparing him from any consequences.

Are you afraid that he will have some kind of "explanation" that will make him look innocent?

Are your children of an age to be abused by him? If they need your protection, then work on a plan that you will be able to carry out to accomplish that.

 

[Friday]

Now I have to confront my pedophile father and tell him that I'll never send my children over to see him without supervision.

It's incredibly easy to molest a child in a room full of people, especially babies & toddlers (finger penetration through the leg of a diaper, just one of dozens of ways),or to trick a teen into meeting with them in private later... but even if they never lay a finger on them in the presence of others? By being a trusted adult in your children's lives, bringing your children into the presence of anyone gives your children your strong & tacit approval of that person, & is an important bonus step in "grooming". In no small part because the pedophile can use your bringing them to him/her in countless ways to manipulate your children into participating & keeping silent about the rape & abuse.

Don't bring children to pedophiles.

I would hazard to guess before you found out about your father, the above statement was very "Duh! Of course not! Who would do that???" How confusing things just got for you that you would even consider it? Now imagine that x100 for the mind of a child who trusts their parent to keep them safe. Don't help your father groom your children. You didn't know before. Now you do.

 

[Justmehere]

I agree with the suggestion of a letter or email if you can't make the call. I actually think it may even be better to put in a letter instead of email or a phone call.

An email is too easily passed on and that could lead to unintended and unneeded family drama. A letter is clear, and gives him time to think before responding so he doesn't hot off some dumb and hurtful email back to you.

If you write a letter, I would keep it simple and clear. State the problem, state the boundaries, the end.

If stating the problem is what is freezing you up, then you can skip that part until if/when you are ready.

You could just say "due to past events I will not discuss at this time, I need to inform you that will not allow my children..."

The decision is yours to have your children around a proven child rapist with or without supervision. Crazy horrible things can still happen with supervision.

If your children were victimized by him, I actually would really strongly admonish you not to allow them around him at all, for their sake.

If you want to keep a relationship with him, send the kinds to a safe trusted sitter and go visit him one on one. If other family gather, and you want to join in and bring the kids along, you could request to have gatherings that include him at public places. Parks, restaurants, etc. I know it's hard to give up connection at such family gatherings because of an abusive family member who may be there. If you do risk it and go, sit far from him and instruct your children to do the same. Tell them to not talk to him without your being present, holding their hands, yes even if they are teenagers, to reduce any risk of him getting them to trust him. Tell you kids he is not trustworthy no matter what he says and does. You doing has to get into details but you can try to inoculate them against any future attempts by him to groom them.

 

[Candleflames]

I just wanted to give you an official welcome. I know what you wrote is your most pressing concern and not the whole of your experiences. There are some wonderfully insightful people here that can offer you some great advice.

Take a look around and do some key word searches of various forums. There is a wealth of information to be had. Also come and visit chat, it will help you to get to know some people rather quickly.

 

[The Albatross]

It strengthens your position if LL and LG have also set boundaries... any chance they've already done so or that you three can do it "en masse" (in a group together)? I personally would want to do it in person... with a support person and I'd want to hear it come right out of my mouth... a three strand rope is hard to break.

 

[Ronin]

Confront, you don't have to.

Just to keep your kids as far away from him as you can. In all times.

Confronting, I'd think useless; people who molest children don't tend to own up to anything. The best you'd get to with that is just get more confused about where you stand, and you don't need to further adopt some sicko's version of reality.

Sorry you're here, but welcome.

 

[Stickler]

Confront, you don't have to.

Just to keep your kids as far away from him as you can. In all times

I wish I could like this a hundred times. You'll almost certainly get lies or excuses from him, and/or promises that you can't believe.

Keeping them away from him is the best way to protect your kids, period. You don't owe him visits.

 

[The Albatross]

Okay I get that non confrontation is the path of least resistance... but most my progresses have been when I had my "voice".

 

[The Albatross]

I guess it's just that defensive living is fear based. The OP said "confront". I said three are better than one or if they have paved the way already... it would be a more stable position for setting a boundary. If the other sisters have not... well one wave will not knock you off your feet... but three, simultaneously... that's a tidal wave and sends a clear message. Loud and clear.

 

[Ronin]

I think it's more a question of gain and loss, than fear issue, honestly.

As in there is a way to work on fear, but that is a separate question from whether there's something to be gained by some behavior, or not.

It would also be a different question if there weren't minors in OP's care. This isn't now only about aftermaths and a plurality of path of healings, which are very varied and valid in so; this is about not endangering vulnerable people one is in all senses responsible for, by own acts.