Who Am I? Split Self...

[warrior]

Hello,
With my recent diagnosis of complex PTSD and undergoing therapy, I am having increasing awareness of my condition of 'split selves'. It is like I have different parts to my self - one that is competent and that takes charge, another that is like a child, one that panics and freaks out like the end of the world is coming, one that is lethargic and that feels flat and meaningless... and so on.
Somehow when I am in one part, I do not seem to have that much awareness of the other parts. One of the results is that I feel fragmented, and chaotic moving abruptly from one part to another.

I am wondering if anyone in the forum has similar experience and if so, how he/she copes with it.

 

[sirsir]

Normally, I'm a control freak. However when I'm touched I lose it. I like to think of myself as being strong and fearless. However when I hear a gun shot or loud noise I duck then get ready to fight. Now the challenge is to find how to control PTSD. I just started treatment. However if I come up with something useful I'll try and give advise. For now trying to just find peace from within.

 

[CaliSparrow]

I haven't really thought of it that way but I do really have different selves. One likes to sing and wants to be a singer (used to BE a singer actually). One is messy but wants to be a good housewife. One is lazy but wants to be a painter. One isolates but wants to be a good friend. All-in-all, they seem to just distract one from the other. Before long, not much has been accomplished. Just a lot of thinking, analyzing and dreaming.

 

[warrior]

The shattered self

Hello,

I learn that people who have been traumatised, particularly over a long period of time and/or as a child suffer from the condition of the 'shattered self'. Although we all have different parts to our self, which is very normal, in the case of trauma the different parts are very distinct and not well integrated. The result is that one may live from one part at one moment, being more or less unaware of the other parts, and then from another part at another moment, etc. This leads to a sense of fragmentation and discontinuity and hence internal chaos. This is probably the basis for dissociative identity disorder, which can range from mild to severe. Also, I think this weak integration of the self also makes it hard for the sufferer to master and regulate one's emotions and emotional distress.

I am working very hard towards becoming a more integrated person.

I am not sure if this phenomenon is well known amongst other long term and/or developmental PTSD sufferers. I notice that therapists may not always pick up the problem of PTSD, and those who do may not always be proficient in what they know or do.

Warrior

 

[trial'n'error]

Before I became conscious of my trauma, for a long time my husband thought I had multiple personalities. This is because when I got "triggered" in the past (such as when he would leave during a disagreement or I thought he was "abandoning" me in some way), my personality would degenerate to a helpless childlike one. Uncontrollable crying, obsessing about the relationship etc. Also, my memory was/is so spotty and we would have entire conversations I would subsequently completely forget. I would only find out about these things when I tried to initiate the exact same conversation later and he would say, "Um we had this exact discussion last week, don't you remember?" and I wouldn't remember in the slightest. This of course scared the crap out of me, but now I'm relatively certain these are PTSD symptoms.

I feel much more integrated now that I've started a recovery program, and I expect once my therapist gets back from vacation, she will most likely be able to accurately diagnose me. I'd bet that I will likely be diagnosed with complex PTSD; we'll see. I still slip into "scared child" mode from time to time (most recently and worst, I was triggered at work by a co-worker who spoke harshly to me and I couldn't stop crying!). One thing that's helped me not to dissociate so much is meditation. When I practice meditation each day it seems to help me control where my focus is a little bit more... but really it seems there has been a dichotomy in my personality maybe not to the point of DID but definitely where I would do or say things, then immediately forget, and also switch between two distinct modes of being.

 

[nic]

Hi warrior,

I don't know too much about it, but try looking up Internal Family Ststems therapy. I think it deals with the kind of issue your talking about.

 

[Dylan]

YES, I relate to this (I set up a poll about "compartmentalization" that resonates exactly for me with what you wrote here).

"Shattered" is exactly the way I've described it! My "self" was just beginning to form when it got shattered. I've pictured it as a mirror that's been broken and I can't get the pieces back together again....as having my "skin" blasted off in places so people can see inside me; I can't hide from people seeing inside of me - there's no boundary.

My current mode of being is like I was born just this morning - I'm a regular tabla rasa. I have no continuity of being as it relates to having a past. I can access my past when the memory is called upon (if someone says, "Hey remember when...") but it's very singular. It's like a thread leading me into a warehouse where I go get that one particular box (memory) and carry it back and open it up. It's very narrow; everything else remains locked away in their boxes. It causes me to feel very generic, very bland because I don't have, at my fingertips, experiences resonating back to tell me who I am. I am extremely changeable, therefore. I hate it.

I asked my counselor about this at my last appointment and she believes it was developed for protection (like almost all my behaviors). It's almost as if I believe that if part of me is annihilated, if I'm not "all in one place", there will be other parts of me left to live. That's why, for me, being completely present feels so scary and suffocating and dangerous.

Our strategy is for me to try and find a little elasticity to when I can feel all of me "there". Alone is best, so now I'm supposed to be practicing being alone, but near people (i.e. in my office at work).

I'm sad to hear that you have this experience, but so relieved to know that I'm not alone.

-Dylan

 

[nonabug5]

Dylan,

Wow, did you ever hit the nail on the head!!! What you described about being "shattered" is right on point. I also can recall specific memories when asked about them. Overall, I have no recall of my youth. It's all a blank for me. I do get anxious and an overall negative dread when reference is made to my childhood, but I cannot
typically pull out a memory from the box in my brain's closet. I tend to only remember the big moments (mostly bad ones at that), everything else is locked away & pops up every now and then. My T tells me it too painful for me to remember and my brain is in a self preservation mode. Memories commonly sneak into my sleep. I wake up screaming alot.

 

[katapuss]

Hi There

Even people without PTSD have split selves. I use NLP and have myself a parts party occassionally. Also setting up conversation on paper or in word between my separate parts helps. Like set up conversation between me and "the critic" or me and "the controller" to find out its purpose (usually protection), behaviours it activates, when it activiates etc. First stage to integration is getting to know the part!

 

[Mercy]

Hi, warrior,:smile:
I understand you very well. Sometimes I shattered like glass, sometimes disassociated into small parts to share the pain out over more"people'. You could call it splitting but into as many pieces as was necessary to get through what was happening. You describe well how each of your parts has an important role to play in your existance. Remember, they all formed to keep you safe. Each one is part of your survival gear. Each one is important. :think:

I found that as I gradually remembered more, the necessity to stay so separate became less important. The separateness was to protect me from knowing the whole truth. It may work the same way for you. More of you will be able to be 'present' at the same time as you share what you know with your therapist. Someone will be 'out front' but some of the others will be able to hear and remember what was going on. The need for secrecy from yourselves will go down. Some of the 'containing walls' will lower. It is a slow process and it will unfold as you are able to tolerate it. I don't suggest anything like hypnosis or regression therapy. We need to respect our own internal systems to open up at the right time and in the right way for us to recover our sense of self or selves. I'm not sure that integration is the end goal. Living a full and balanced life with friends and activities I enjoy is a good goal for me. I'm not there yet. I still get triggered into lots of flashbacks.:doh:

My trauma began when I was very young before a single whole personality was formed. I have many inner children who are 'frozen' in time by the suffering, torture, horror and terror they experienced.

Sometimes when we feel safe, someone will peak out. Once my husband and I were driving directly west on a hot dusty evening. Some little one piped up,"Looky, Looky, a full sun!" She had clearly only been present for child prostitution at night. She knew the moon had phases so she thought the sun did too. At first I was embarrassed and a little scared as though I had done something wrong. Now we both chuckle at it as a rather sweet moment.

 

[warrior]

Wow, thank you all for your input. Hearing others experiencing the same thing normalizes my own experience a lot for me. Thank you so much for sharing. Dylan, I am very curious about your comment on practicing being alone. Would you mind sharing more on that please?

I find myself having much more access to all the parts of myself when I am alone. When I am by myself, I definitely feel much more together and 'whole'. I am not sure why. I try to rationalize it by saying that when I am alone, I do not get distracted by others' presence. I was so used to direct all my attention outward to the extremely hostile environment when I grew up, as a result of hypervigilance and attempt to protect myself. Perhaps that has become a pattern, such that it is hard for me to be with myself in the presence of others. Someone said to me recently: you need to learn to be present with yourself before you can be present with others...

Warrior

 

[freya]

I don't know if I experience myself as having separate parts (but I'm very new to the idea of ptsd).
I do know that I have two 'sides' in me. There's a part that gets triggered and very scared, or panics. But it does not show. What I show is a competent, confident and at times even a laughing face.

It was a few years ago that I first realized that when my husband tells me I'm being blunt or bossy, inside I am really SCARED. Feelings of beinig insecure, humiliated, ashamed, scared don't show; they show as defensiveness, verbal agression, as light-heartedness, as playfullness - masks.

My reasoning for myself is that I want to get back in touch of how I really feel inside. To be able to try to communicate what I really feel (and that way also help prevent conflicts and misunderstandings with my loved ones.)
So to practice feeling what I feel, trying to be more in touch with myself is very important.
Ways to do that for me are yoga and meditation. Connecting to a core of inner peace and from there becoming more aware of any feelings I have... I followed classes in intuitive massage which also helped me connect to myself more.

Freya