My boyfriend and I have been together for 11 months now. We have been through the best and worst of things together. I love him with all my heart he is that other half that makes me whole. When I met him he was up front and honest about his ptsd and asked me to read about it. I did and after spending endless amounts of time together I thought I got it. Well after a few months everything changed he shut me out our closeness was gone. He would tell me it wasnt me it was him. So I signed up for emails and looked for anything and everything on ptsd. I went to see one of his doctors and told him reading about it day one and living in it are two totally different things. It started with him moving from our bedroom to his recliner. This is where he sleeps everynight so I moved to the couch to be close to him. Then he stopped calling and texting even taking some of my calls. But I watched him send endless amounts of time on his computer texting or talking to other people. He says if he didnt want to be with me then he wouldnt be here. Im not going to lie its hard but im not on that gives up cause things are tough. Here is my problem I have no one to talk to his family doesnt get it and just says he needs to get over and I cant talk to anyone I know cause the just dont understand it. Even I was clueless to this until I met him. Anyway he has been away for 3 weeks and he called yesterday to say maybe he should move out cause his doctors think it would be good for him. I was in shock after putting my all into this and not giving up. We both have kids involed that are going to be upset by this. I want him to stay and work through this together go to some appt. together im willing to do what I can. I just dont understand how moving out will help us its a step back. And why are we not figuring this out together. I dont want him to go what do I do?
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General Boyfriend Moving Out
- Post starter Vickym
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- #2
Nicolette
Supporter Admin
Welcome Vicky and unfortunately, welcome to PTSD.....
What you have written is not uncommon. I will give you my views based on my experience with the illness. Unfortunately it will not be what you want to hear but it might just help.
While reading a text book or being with someone when relatively well can give you an experience with PTSD it does not even come close to preparing you for the reality which can occur.
What your boyfriend is saying is probably true...it is about him. Some people use that line as a cop out when trying to leave a relationship but from what I have learned over the past year and a half both in real life and from on the forum and literature, it can be an honest response from someone struggling with PTSD.
This is a true reality. Reason being that in real life living with PTSD also encompasses emotions which is a whole other ball game in itself.
From what I understand, if your boyfriend is trying to move away to gain space the worst thing you can do is follow and not give that space to him.
The last sentence is true. Talking to other people may be easier than talking to you as with you there are emotions and issues of the relationship. When Anthony is having a bad time he made spend hours on the forum but only grunt at me as he sees me as effort as I impact on his life where people here on the forum are safe...he can walk away at any time and there is no stress associated with it.
Ummm...this one you wont like. From what I understand (someone please correct me if I am wrong) the worst thing you could do at this point is hang on as he is saying to you he needs space. Stress harms PTSD sufferers even more so and he is saying he needs to eliminate/reduce some of his current stress in order to cope. Remembering that even too much good stress can be bad.
The kids are important yes but it is not a reason to stay together if your boyfriend is not coping.....ouch I know but as I'm not emotionally involved it is easier to say. Reality is your boyfriend has to do what is right for him first otherwise he is no good to his kids. I know this hurts and it would kill me too but it is part of the situation from what I have learned.
In your 'relationship' world moving out is a step back but in your boyfriend's world it may be the way he can stop himself going over the edge with his PTSD. Unfortunately my advice for you right now would be to let him go with your blessings and not make it harder for him. You may then have a chance of saving the relationship. Push too hard and I doubt you will come even close to what you want.
What you have written is not uncommon. I will give you my views based on my experience with the illness. Unfortunately it will not be what you want to hear but it might just help.
While reading a text book or being with someone when relatively well can give you an experience with PTSD it does not even come close to preparing you for the reality which can occur.
What your boyfriend is saying is probably true...it is about him. Some people use that line as a cop out when trying to leave a relationship but from what I have learned over the past year and a half both in real life and from on the forum and literature, it can be an honest response from someone struggling with PTSD.
This is a true reality. Reason being that in real life living with PTSD also encompasses emotions which is a whole other ball game in itself.
From what I understand, if your boyfriend is trying to move away to gain space the worst thing you can do is follow and not give that space to him.
The last sentence is true. Talking to other people may be easier than talking to you as with you there are emotions and issues of the relationship. When Anthony is having a bad time he made spend hours on the forum but only grunt at me as he sees me as effort as I impact on his life where people here on the forum are safe...he can walk away at any time and there is no stress associated with it.
Ummm...this one you wont like. From what I understand (someone please correct me if I am wrong) the worst thing you could do at this point is hang on as he is saying to you he needs space. Stress harms PTSD sufferers even more so and he is saying he needs to eliminate/reduce some of his current stress in order to cope. Remembering that even too much good stress can be bad.
The kids are important yes but it is not a reason to stay together if your boyfriend is not coping.....ouch I know but as I'm not emotionally involved it is easier to say. Reality is your boyfriend has to do what is right for him first otherwise he is no good to his kids. I know this hurts and it would kill me too but it is part of the situation from what I have learned.
In your 'relationship' world moving out is a step back but in your boyfriend's world it may be the way he can stop himself going over the edge with his PTSD. Unfortunately my advice for you right now would be to let him go with your blessings and not make it harder for him. You may then have a chance of saving the relationship. Push too hard and I doubt you will come even close to what you want.
- Post starter
- #3
Thanks Nicollette!
I see and know everything you are saying but I didnt move to the couch just to follow him I did it because he didnt like me upstairs he gets upset when I want to go up there. I understood him moving the to the chair however he has anger about this he is frustrated that he isnt sleeping next to me. He says what kind of relationship am I making. He is in the chair do to back and shoulder injuries. Some days it just hard. Im just so torn he called and says he doesnt want to move to move out or be without me. He doesnt want that space between us. He says he loves me and wants us to be together. But he is confused cause his doctors tell him to get his own place. That he needs to learn to be independant. Have no choice but go to the store cause no one will be there to do it for him. Im not the one with the phd he is right about that but he has a hard time with adjustment and doesnt like to be alone. We talked about all this he is just as confused as I am. I have too many emotions caught up in this to see or think clear right now. I guess I feel like our whole world is upside down.
I see and know everything you are saying but I didnt move to the couch just to follow him I did it because he didnt like me upstairs he gets upset when I want to go up there. I understood him moving the to the chair however he has anger about this he is frustrated that he isnt sleeping next to me. He says what kind of relationship am I making. He is in the chair do to back and shoulder injuries. Some days it just hard. Im just so torn he called and says he doesnt want to move to move out or be without me. He doesnt want that space between us. He says he loves me and wants us to be together. But he is confused cause his doctors tell him to get his own place. That he needs to learn to be independant. Have no choice but go to the store cause no one will be there to do it for him. Im not the one with the phd he is right about that but he has a hard time with adjustment and doesnt like to be alone. We talked about all this he is just as confused as I am. I have too many emotions caught up in this to see or think clear right now. I guess I feel like our whole world is upside down.
Excuse me Vickym for butting in. I see that your situation is very complicated. A person who is afraid of being alone and a sufferer of PTSD is almost a contradiction. I don't know if his therapist is right but I would imagine the stress that your bf is feeling has to be pretty bad- be alone.. or slow down the healing. If you talked to the doc in the past.. talk to him again so you understand what you need to do to help your bf. I know that doesn't make it less painful. There may be a lot of pain down the road and the amount that you want to endure is up to you. Hugs
Nicolette,
I come here for moral support and you always help. My bf walked away and said he needed to get his head straight and he can't do it while spending time worrying about my feelings. I knew it would happen so I stepped back but that doesn't make it easier. After a week or so I started to feel pretty low and coming here to get my head straight really helps. I want him to learn how to handle his PTSD and my clinging won't help him... waiting can be torture but I know it will be worth it. Thanks!
Nicolette,
I come here for moral support and you always help. My bf walked away and said he needed to get his head straight and he can't do it while spending time worrying about my feelings. I knew it would happen so I stepped back but that doesn't make it easier. After a week or so I started to feel pretty low and coming here to get my head straight really helps. I want him to learn how to handle his PTSD and my clinging won't help him... waiting can be torture but I know it will be worth it. Thanks!
- Moderator
- #5
Nicolette
Supporter Admin
Thank you DLadi :smile:
From what I understand about PTSD this makes sense. I am guessing your bf needed to reduce his stress and even interaction with a person can be stressful. It is easier if it is a stranger as there is nothing to lose and nothing invested...a girlfriend however comes with expectations of certain decencies he may not be currently capable of maintaining.
Oh I do so understand what you are saying here. :rolleyes:
This is unfortunately the key....he has to handle his PTSD. It may mean you lose the relationship, it may not, but that is like predicting tomorrow. You just have to hold on to what you believe in and do what you can. One day it will be a case of walking away or getting back together. I hope it is the latter for all you here with Boyfriends who have pulled away.
- Moderator
- #6
Nicolette
Supporter Admin
Vicky my dad had a terrible back injury and had his spine fused. I remember sitting beside him as a young girl and he had a plaster cast from under his arms to his waste. From then until he died he struggled with the injury sleeping in chairs (if he could), pacing the floor at night and being in constant pain that even the drugs didn't take away. He ended up alone as he was so difficult to live with due to all of this. It made him a recluse.
If the reasons the doctors are telling your boyfriend to move out are independence I would tell them to go and get stuffed. You can be independent living with someone and while in a relationship. What a lot of cods wobble if you ask me. Are you sure that is the reason they are giving?
If the reasons the doctors are telling your boyfriend to move out are independence I would tell them to go and get stuffed. You can be independent living with someone and while in a relationship. What a lot of cods wobble if you ask me. Are you sure that is the reason they are giving?
- Post starter
- #7
Nicolette I am very sorry to here about your father. It must have been tough. My mom passed away 2 years ago from lung cancer.
DLadi please do not ever feel as if you are butting in I value every opinion good or bad. I came here to have people to talk to that have been through this and that can re late so thank you and a hug for you! Dont get me wrong he does have alone time and does ask for it. But doesnt want to be alone.
Well when I talked to my boyfriend a lot of the time his phrase and I mean it in a bad way but I get a lot of "You just dont get it"!!! So when he told me that I said can you explain or when you come home we can go to the doctors together. Thats when he said its about me being independant I need to be forced into going to the store and leaving the house. I did remind him that he did live on his own several different times and asked him what happend he said I didnt like being alone. I also reminded him how far he has come since we have been together life was very tough for him and he has made so much progress he is able to go into stores it my be a lets get in and get out kind of thing but it is a big step for him. He never used to want to take long car rides well he has moved forward here he has now traveled to his parents house twice without me this is 4 hours each way. That is where he is now the situation there is not the best his step father has cancer and im sad to say his battle is coming to an end. There is so much going on. I guess until I go to an appt and get the whole story I really cant fully answer if that is the only reason. I do know the kids running around and being kids is also hard for him as this brings flash backs of Iraq. The last appt we went to the counceler we saw told him our relationship was safe it was worth hanging onto and that he needed to make baby steps to getting that closeness back. I am willing to take our time cause to me he is worth it people on the outside of this dont understand that. But wow I have to say I am very taken that he mentioned moving out then when he told me the reasons. Oh yeah I just remembered when I asked do they look at the whole picture we are almost at 1 year (my bf has had several relationships before me the longest was 4 months) and have been through so much and you have made progress. He said no they dont care about you the kids or any of that I am the patient. This is upsetting to me cause we just got him set visition of his son. I have read so much and I uderstand lots of things but this has thrown me for a loop!
DLadi please do not ever feel as if you are butting in I value every opinion good or bad. I came here to have people to talk to that have been through this and that can re late so thank you and a hug for you! Dont get me wrong he does have alone time and does ask for it. But doesnt want to be alone.
Well when I talked to my boyfriend a lot of the time his phrase and I mean it in a bad way but I get a lot of "You just dont get it"!!! So when he told me that I said can you explain or when you come home we can go to the doctors together. Thats when he said its about me being independant I need to be forced into going to the store and leaving the house. I did remind him that he did live on his own several different times and asked him what happend he said I didnt like being alone. I also reminded him how far he has come since we have been together life was very tough for him and he has made so much progress he is able to go into stores it my be a lets get in and get out kind of thing but it is a big step for him. He never used to want to take long car rides well he has moved forward here he has now traveled to his parents house twice without me this is 4 hours each way. That is where he is now the situation there is not the best his step father has cancer and im sad to say his battle is coming to an end. There is so much going on. I guess until I go to an appt and get the whole story I really cant fully answer if that is the only reason. I do know the kids running around and being kids is also hard for him as this brings flash backs of Iraq. The last appt we went to the counceler we saw told him our relationship was safe it was worth hanging onto and that he needed to make baby steps to getting that closeness back. I am willing to take our time cause to me he is worth it people on the outside of this dont understand that. But wow I have to say I am very taken that he mentioned moving out then when he told me the reasons. Oh yeah I just remembered when I asked do they look at the whole picture we are almost at 1 year (my bf has had several relationships before me the longest was 4 months) and have been through so much and you have made progress. He said no they dont care about you the kids or any of that I am the patient. This is upsetting to me cause we just got him set visition of his son. I have read so much and I uderstand lots of things but this has thrown me for a loop!
- Post starter
- #8
I am very confused and hope that someone has an opinion. When my bf talked about moving out I was so hurt and confused because his reasons just didnt seem like it was worth that step back. We share so much together. Anyway Im confused because now he is home and I am so happy he is here. He said that he wants to stay he wants us to build our future together. Its means so much to me but I am having a hard time getting past the fact that he was going to leave. Its like being a little insecure. I have never felt this way with him and dont want to either. When he talks about doing things around the house or getting married I dont react the why I used to it like im afraid and am in the mode of thinking I cant do that because if he leaves Im paying for everything on my own. I never thought about any of this things were so great in the begining and I have spent so much time researching ptsb and tbi. That I never thought about what if one day he wants to move out. Then change his mind. We were even talking about selling my house and buying one in the country. Please if anyone can help here it would be great I have been so strong until this.
- Moderator
- #9
Nicolette
Supporter Admin
Vicky, what you are going through must be extremely difficult. I really feel for you and I can totally appreciate you being insecure based on your boyfriend's dramatic change.
The only advice I have to offer is to proceed with caution. I wouldn't go buying and selling houses with your bf just yet as he may swing back the other way and, like you said, you don't want to be left paying for everything.
While feeling insecure is not nice I guess you can only wait and see what will happen as time will tell.
It sounds like your boyfriend does love you but he is struggling with his PTSD. As long as he is doing something about it and seeking treatment wanting to heal himself....that is a good thing. If he is back with you as he couldn't cope on his own and he's not doing anything about his PTSD then you have a problem.
Good luck.
The only advice I have to offer is to proceed with caution. I wouldn't go buying and selling houses with your bf just yet as he may swing back the other way and, like you said, you don't want to be left paying for everything.
While feeling insecure is not nice I guess you can only wait and see what will happen as time will tell.
It sounds like your boyfriend does love you but he is struggling with his PTSD. As long as he is doing something about it and seeking treatment wanting to heal himself....that is a good thing. If he is back with you as he couldn't cope on his own and he's not doing anything about his PTSD then you have a problem.
Good luck.
- Post starter
- #10
Just an update! Things have been great my bf has been acting like the guy i met and fell in love with. He has found it within in himself to show me that sweet and caring side. I know we will still have those down days in the future. He says he is not moving out and wishes he never said it. He has taken the time to realize how much I really put into our relationship and doesn't want to lose what we have. We were going to get married at one point had our licence and wedding bands then he took that step back and decided to wait. I never knew why until now. He needed to know that I could handle worst of his low points. He wanted to see how I would react and if I would give up. He thought about all this and knows I'm always willing to learn more to have a better understanding. This forum has been great full of so much info. For now I'm taking it one day at a time.
That is so good to hear. I know how hard it is to be patient and supportive when you sometimes want to freak out a bit. I'm not sure I would agree that his testing you was a good thing but I guess it may have been his way to see if he could trust you as that is a big issue with sufferers. Many hugs to you, Vicky. I hope he continues to trust in your love for each other. D
- Post starter
- #12
7 months has gone by. It been a bumpy one and now we are back to him moving out.
I know I can't make him stay and wouldn't try to. Im very hurt right now and confused. I understand he needs to accept his ptsd and deal with it. I get that he is looking for some space right now, however it doesnt make the hurt go away.
He wants to leave most of his stuff here just take a few things. He says in time he will be back. Is this true? Or is it over.
Im tired of no one around me his family included understanding any of this. Im tired of no support. Thank god for the forum and the one friend I have made here.
Talking to people who get it really helps. I would like to talk to some suffers to understand whats going on from the suffer point of view.
I know I can't make him stay and wouldn't try to. Im very hurt right now and confused. I understand he needs to accept his ptsd and deal with it. I get that he is looking for some space right now, however it doesnt make the hurt go away.
He wants to leave most of his stuff here just take a few things. He says in time he will be back. Is this true? Or is it over.
Im tired of no one around me his family included understanding any of this. Im tired of no support. Thank god for the forum and the one friend I have made here.
Talking to people who get it really helps. I would like to talk to some suffers to understand whats going on from the suffer point of view.
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