Childhood Confronting Abuser

[Rainydaiz]

Hi
I have dissociated my memories of abuse but had some flashbacks and full blown PTSD symptoms over a period of 6 weeks in the summer once I admitted to myself that my dad had sexually abused me.
I have been reading a lot about confronting abusers but haven't really seen anything about anyone wanting to do it for the same reason as me... mainly because I'm sick of living a lie and pretending and having to spend time with my dad. (I keep this to an absolute minimum but it's difficult to avoid totally).
Now my sister and husband have decided for the first time they want to do Christmas by themselves with their children. Which just leaves me and my husband and mum and dad. I'm feeling sick about this and really stressed. I'm too scared to say we're doing our own thing too and leaving mum and dad on their own. If they knew why I felt like I do I feel I would be able to say I'm not doing it.
I'm so sick of living a lie. I know it's highly likely if I confront I won't be believed and I know it could make everything a whole lot worse, but I just want to be left alone and not to have to see them without the constant fear of them asking what's wrong with me; or like yesterday, them joking(!) about my fear of being touched.
Has anyone else confronted for the same reason? If so any recommendations? Did you regret it?
I feel as if I'm in limbo at the moment.
Thanks.

 

[scout86]

My dad wasn't the problem, it was a more distant family member. I just don't go to things I don't want to go to. I guess, when I think about it, there were "issues" of a different sort with my mom. I avoided visiting my parents for the most part, once I was an adult. My theory is, until you're 18, they owe you food and a roof over your head. After that? No one OWES anyone anything. I don't think you need to explain, just say you've made other plans.

Does your sister know about you being abused? The idea that she'd let her kids be around your dad, if he's an abuser, is a bit troublesome.

I had a conversation with my T about "confronting". He suggested it as an option. I said no one would believe me. He asked if that mattered. I said that it would. He said, "Then don't do it." That's something to think about too. There will be fallout from a confrontation, for sure. You should be prepared for that.

 

[SwordsPandaGirl]

There will be fallout as @scout86 has mentioned. I did out my abuser (who was my uncle) and no one in my family believed me (except my mum but she seems more in denial from it than anything else ) so be prepared to not be believed.

I'm not trying to discourage you at all, if you feel it's the right thing for you to confront the abuse, by all means do so, just consider that you may not be believed and things will change from that point on.

However, sometimes change isn't a bad thing . I no longer have to go to stupid family get togethers and be in contact with my abuser, which for me is heavenly because I couldn't stand him being around me all the time.

Think about the impacts and how this would affect you. If you like what could potentially occur from you confronting him, then do it :). Make sure you have support in place for when you do (husband, friends, us on the forum) as this will help you get through the very painful days.

Good luck,

PandaGirl.

 

[Stickler]

You have no obligation to be around him. None.
( note, pre caffeine response )

 

[UnKnown-Self]

It really is an individual choice and such a loaded situation.

I have dissociated my memories of abuse but had some flashbacks and full blown PTSD symptoms over a period of 6 weeks in the summer once I admitted to myself that my dad had sexually abused me.

Do you have a therapist? Have you ever discussed this with a therapist at all? If not, get one before you do anything and make sure they specialize in childhood abuse, PTSD and dissociation.
Have you been diagnosed with PTSD? I'm not asking out of questioning if you actually do have it. It's been my experience that every bit of validation helps. It is also important to learn as much as you can about sexual abuse, dissociation and PTSD.

There is a lot of information and misinformation out there. Authors, psychiatrists, therapists and any other so called expert are influenced by their own assumptions/beliefs. You must be very active in your healing and educate yourself consistently to know what works for you. Don't blindly follow anyone, participate in all the decisions and plans of action. There are no quick fixes and commitment to what I feel is a life long journey is essential. That does not mean I expect all my life to be rehashing, just the opposite.

For 35 years after I was first diagnosed with PTSD, I thought it was only affecting me if I was physically trying to crawl under the bed to hide only to discover it was impossible in my current body. That'd send me rushing to the closet frantically flinging things out of the way so I can crouch down in the corner. If that or something similar wasn't happening, I assumed I wasn't being impacted by it. I was totally unaware of how it was affecting just about every aspect of my life.
I would suggest you think twice before doing it around the holidays. Take some time to really think about the timing. This is going to be a pivotal moment in your life. Do yourself a favor and save your future holidays by not connecting them anymore to your traumas then they already are.

I'm too scared to say we're doing our own thing too and leaving mum and dad on their own.

Perhaps you can/should do something else besides going to your parents at Christmas. If your sister can decide to stay at her home, why can't you do the same? I don't know your financial situation but maybe you and hubby can plan a little get away for the holiday.
Your parents are a couple, they probably had holidays together before having children and can do so now. What if you lived too far away to go? I'm sure they would manage.

You deserve, have a right and an obligation to yourself to not do something if you don't want to.

Does you husband know? If yes, how did he react? If not, you really need to start there. Do not minimize what you have been through.

Do you have children?

Have you ever discussed this with your sister? Is there a possibility she was abused as well? Maybe there is a connected reason she decided to start having Christmas at her own home. Even if your sister was, there is no guarantee she will admit it. Its even possible you will be hit with disbelief because it never happened to her even if it did.

Are you prepared for all possible reactions? There is not only the disbelief, having someone say, "I thought so." or something to that affect is just as damaging as disbelief in most situations.

At the end of the day, the only thing that matters is what you know you experienced and how committed you are to your healing.

 

[shimmerz]

I would suggest you think twice before doing it around the holidays. Take some time to really think about the timing. This is going to be a pivotal moment in your life. Do yourself a favor and save your future holidays by not connecting them anymore to your traumas then they already are.

Although bolded, I feel like this might be overlooked.... and based on my own personal experience this is SO important. Holiday dysfunction. The gift that keeps on giving.

Decades after the postmortem.

 

[Rainydaiz]

My dad wasn't the problem, it was a more distant family member. I just don't go to things I don't want t...

Thanks for your reply Scout.
What you said made a lot of sense. Unfortunately I'm so filled with fear actually doing it seems almost impossible. I have that need to conform, not rock the boat. Also I'm afraid of doing something different from what I've done all my life in case they start asking too many questions...
I know you're right though. I definitely don't owe anyone anything.
As for my sister, she is 5 years younger. As I don't really have the memories myself I guess it's possible that it didn't happen to her and she didn't know it was happening to me, or it happened to her too and she has dissociated completely like me, but it hasn't come back yet. I think that is more likely somehow. My guess is she's in denial.
I have read a lot about confronting but it's a lot different reading about it and the actuality of it. I have read that the survivor is almost never believed and I imagine that would be the end of my relationship with my family. I just can't imagine what that would be like though. By then it would be too late.
Thanks very much for your advice and taking the time to comment.

 

[Rainydaiz]

There will be fallout as @scout86 has mentioned. I did out my abuser (who was...

Hi Panda Girl
Thanks for replying. It's such a difficult decision and I feel like I'm making it blind. Like you, I think I just don't want to be around my dad but there are so many possible implications that I haven't thought of and wouldn't be able to until it was too late. Thanks for your take on it- I appreciate it.

 

[Rainydaiz]

You have no obligation to be around him. None.
( note, pre caffeine response )

Thanks stickler.

 

[shimmerz]

I wonder if you built a visualization around this, @Rainydaiz , that involved someone ELSE in the same position. What would you say if in the same room with their abusers? Would there be anger? Would there be a commitment to keep this friend safe? What would you advise?

Sometimes I find that I am too close to things and I need to externalize in order to see what I really think. May be no help at all, so please just ignore if that is the case....I won't be offended at all. It is just a trick that I use at times when spinning. So many of us struggle with this...

 

[Rainydaiz]

Do you have a therapist? Have you ever discussed this with a therapist at all? If not, get one before you do anything and make sure they specialize in childhood abuse, PTSD and dissociation.
Have you been diagnosed with PTSD? I'm not asking out of questioning if you actually do have it. It's been my experience that every bit of validation helps. It is also important to learn as much as you can about sexual abuse, dissociation and PTSD

Hi Alice, first thank you for your thoughtful reply.
Yes I have a therapist. Luckily she specialises in trauma and dissociation. I say luckily because I didn't know I had repressed memories or had been abused until I had been with her for 5 years. Now I see why it was taking so long!
I haven't been officially diagnosed with PTSD. It's not so simple over here as I would have to go through the GP who was hopeless and asked me when I went how I wanted to be treated. She didn't know what to do with me. I had only gone for a sick note. It's something I discussed with my therapist and for a 6 week period had all the symptoms. I still have some now but I have mainly shut it all down again. I have done a lot of reading round it- and structural dissociation (I have several child parts). I did comment on a thread on here about getting an official diagnosis as I do feel it would help to validate me as I struggle to believe it myself a lot of the time. I just don't understand how I would go about it with my GP - especially with the way she was. She added greatly to my stress at the time. In fact she terrified me. I don't think there is a great understanding from GPs here about trauma and dissociation.
I have read and read and read about all of these areas and I keep reading- I know it is important to do that.
It was interesting what you said about how it affected all the areas of your life. I can see how easy it would be to think it isn't affecting you. I think I am in that place you described now. Because it was so awful when I was off work and I wasn't functioning at all; it almost feels like it's gone at the moment. I know it hasn't but it feels like it has. I'm still having night terrors, nightmares and body memories though. I guess like you, it also affects me in ways I'm not aware of yet.
Thanks for the thought about not doing it around Christmas. Yes. That makes sense.
I feel too scared to rock the boat and suddenly do something different. I know I have that right but I have had a lot of fear instilled in me. I am very much the 'good girl'. It feels so unsafe to not continue in that role.
My husband knows everything and is very supportive and would do whatever it takes to support me. I don't have children.
I've been too scared to discuss with my sister. I am afraid that if she doesn't believe me (quite possible) she will tell mum and dad and then the whole thing will come out. So ive not been prepared to talk to her unless I am prepared for my prents finding out. I think it was highly likely given my sisters mental well being that she was abused too. But she is very dissociated from it like I was till recently. She is a walking ANP. Very much hides her true self and doesn't show any vulnerability. But I have found out things from her husband that show that actually she is hurting quite a lot. She'd just die rather than let me know that. We're similar in that way. We were brought up not to speak about anything (surprise surprise).
Thanks for the thought about having someone say 'I thought so'. No I hadn't considered that. You can only do so much reading. Something will always hit you from left field I guess.
Thanks for all your thoughts. They were very helpful.

 

[Rainydaiz]

Although bolded, I feel like this might be overlooked.... and based on my own personal experience this...

Thanks Shimmerz. Sorry to hear that. But thank you for the warning.