Not Sure About Therapist/therapy

[VioletButterfly]

I'm questioning what is going on with this therapist and my therapy, and need your input. She's made some statements and has an approach which confuses and frustrates me. I'm not judging her, just looking for insights as I've had really bad therapy before and am not sure what's going on.

So, yesterday, she reiterated that I was to direct my therapy and she asked me, again, did I really need to work through the traumas again? That she had PTSD clients who didn't remember and that they did have to work through those memories and issues. Well, intellectually I know what has happened over the years of this on-going abusive and programmed self-destruction of a life (for the most part). I know that I've worked very hard to understand and to accept it, and to "get over it." Well, my emotional self has others ideas and those are what are playing out. I don't know how to express this to her other than anxiety and that there is a rift between my intellect and emotions, and that I need to find a bridge between the two. Okay, well, now I'm supposed to figure that out? Why am I in therapy if not to benefit from her knowledge and maybe a modicum of direction or maybe the use of some of the tools I see your therapists helping you along the way with?

I feel disconnected from her now as well as myself. I feel like I'm on a therapy hamster wheel going in circles and getting nowhere. I don't know. Any thoughts or maybe a different approach I can try next week when I see her? I'm very unsure. Thanks. VB

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

yesterday, she reiterated that I was to direct my therapy and she asked me, again, did I really need to work through the traumas again?

I think it's not to unusual for a therapist to ask that question. Also, therapists are supposed to be the guides, but they want to work (or should want to work) in the way that will best help you. I think she wants to know what your goals for therapy are.

And I think that what you wrote in this post is a perfect place to start a conversation about that with her. It is important that you sense a rift between your intellect and your emotions. You stated your thoughts so clearly here that this is exactly what I would take to your therapist and see what she has to say and go from there. Best of luck!

 

[Intrepid]

I see self-importance as the one defining quality of a bad therapist.

My current therapist says her approach is client-centered. I think she says that because she doesn’t want me to feel cornered. At the same time, she has some deep seated ideas about what helps. They include ideas of self-care that seem like they fail to respect my pain. I have resisted these ideas. I don’t trust her any more than I trust anyone else.

One thing that has helped is telling my therapist how I feel about her. I doubt her, fear her, and don't trust her. However, she is proving to be consistent, stable, non-intrusive and empathetic. These are the qualities that are starting to win my trust.

 

[VioletButterfly]

I think she wants to know what your goals for therapy are.

At the end of the day, I'd like to know the treatment plan; she hasn't asked about goals either and I think the two kind of go together. Set goals, build plan. How do I know what goals to shoot for other than to be whole? I don't even have an identity and am lacking life skills and coping skills. She did note there was no a), b), c) to treating my condition; however, I'm like "throw me a bone," something... because I feel so lost and like I'm in the middle of a tornado like Dorothy with no frame of reference. Where even to begin? I took some of the pictures I'd drawn from previous years and it's like nothing has changed. I suppose the 12 Step slogan - if there is no change, there will be no change could apply, but I've tried everything on my own that I can think of and I've seen many therapists.

One thing that has helped is telling my therapist how I feel about her. I doubt her, fear her, and don't trust her. However, she is proving to be consistent, stable, non-intrusive and empathetic. These are the qualities that are starting to win my trust.

Valid consideration, but I don't know if I can carry that one off. I'll have to journal on that. What's strange is that I had an emergency appt with one of her partners when she was out of town and it was like coming home. I don't know what to think. I'm sure it's just me and my insecurities or maybe I'm expecting too much which is why I put this out here in the first place. I'm just unsure, but so desperately need the help, but all I'm doing is talking in circles each week. How is that helpful? Is this how you get to the healing part? She has mentioned EMDR, but we've not done any. Her partner used it during my one session with her to help me find a safe place. It wasn't the heavy-duty version I don't guess, but still.... Sorry, still in a quandary. VB

 

[DogwoodTree]

Your OP basically described what brought me to therapy--I had tried everything I could think of on my own, it wasn't enough, and I needed an injection of expertise and perspective that I couldn't give myself. And then my T turned out to be more client-centered than that, and I spent about 9 months angry and frustrated that he wouldn't just give me the steps to walk through so I could get this done already. The only reason I didn't give up with him is because I really, truly didn't have anything better to try instead, and I knew I couldn't keep going with the way things were.

After a few months, we started equine therapy, so now I have a team of people to bounce things off of. But still, they all take the same approach, even when I show up for an equine session--they ask what I want to work on, and how I'd like to approach it. "Well...I have no clue." I've come to hate that question at the beginning of a session.

However. A couple of weeks ago, I went to see a different T because we had decided it would be helpful to get an expert's perspective on a very specific issue, something that no one else on my team was familiar with. I ended up with a different person than the T my team recommended (long story), and she tried to take a very T-oriented, "I have all the answers if you'll just do what I say" approach...which is kind of what I had thought I wanted...but I saw very quickly this time how destructive that could be, and how much this approach would empower her while disempowering me.

What if I had seen someone like her at the beginning of the year when I first went into therapy? I was so unstable and broken...I probably would've fallen for it...and lost whatever self-differentiation I had managed to gain before that.... It occurred to me to ask myself, "Would I even still be alive if I had seen her first, back in January? Would she have been able to provide a stabilizing influence like I actually needed, or would she have encouraged this unhealthy enmeshment and then left me hanging at some point, unable to care for myself at all?"

So...as much as I've fought my Ts on this client-centered approach, I'm beginning to see how much more productive it is for me, especially being someone so deeply involved in my own recovery. I'm not the kind of person who can, long term in a healthy way, hand over management of my well-being to someone else. And I am sooo grateful my Ts never took that approach with me.

One thing I've learned about myself is that I'm trying to jump over a bunch of steps and just be done with this already. Understandable, but not helpful. One of my Ts told me several months ago, "It's like you're trying to jump to steps x, y, and z, but I'm trying to make sure we cover steps a, b, and c first so we have a solid foundation to work from." I'm slowly, slowly, so-so-slowly learning to trust their professional judgment. Which is exactly what I was looking for, really, but I had not previously allowed for the time and process it takes for someone to earn my trust...my real trust, rather than what I thought trust was, which was actually more like over-dependence. Seems like part of me knew that was not healthy, and so my defenses wouldn't let me go there, which ended up looking more like counter-dependence--it took some serious time to be able to achieve true trust amid all that tension and pulling and pushing between the extremes of over-dependence and counter-dependence.

This video was helpful for me:

 

[Chava]

I agree that having goals is important. It gives you a sort of structure, even if it changes over time and even depending upon the needs of the day/week.

Could you ask your therapist if you could bring in some goals or work on that together? If she'd sort of letting you take some lead here, right now that might mean telling her what you need, asking more questions, or letting her know that you are confused or frustrated. It's hard to do, but I've felt more personally empowered and involved through letting my therapist know I'm confused or need some direction. Even in telling her I'm confused and need some other kind of support, I'm really taking ownership for my healing (and that's what she wants to help me do). My therapist is quite process-oriented (vs having a one-size-fits-all structure) and generally asks what would be helpful for me at the beginning of any session. She doesn't structure it for me, which is good really. But if I don't know what I need or what to do, she is willing and able to offer ideas based on recent info or events, or even what she is reading from my body language.

my emotional self has others ideas and those are what are playing out. I don't know how to express this to her other than anxiety and that there is a rift between my intellect and emotions, and that I need to find a bridge between the two.

This might be a starting point, if you haven't already shared this with your therapist. This sounds like a general goal or something to explore in therapy (I also relate to this split quite well).

Ultimately it is helpful for us to not expect the therapist to direct everything or fit us into some kind of treatment mold. But starting out, goals and some structure is often helpful. For you, even letting your therapist know that you need this would be a way of responding to her nudge for you to look for some direction from within yourself. What are your needs? What do you hope to accomplish in therapy?

I appreciate a therapist who understands trauma well, has a lot of tools, is able to provide structure where needed, but also doesn't create a treatment mold and tell me how it's going to be (trauma is too complicated in most cases). But if you're left to free float and feel lost, hopefully you can tell your therapist this and let her know the approach is not working right now and that you need some direction (and goals you can share with her). The sooner you can discuss this, the sooner you will likely move forward vs continue in frustration. Maybe she isn't the right therapist. But I wonder how she'd respond to you flat out asking to create goals and have some kind of structure, if you haven't asked already.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

How do I know what goals to shoot for other than to be whole? I don't even have an identity and am lacking life skills and coping skills.

I think you answered yourself right there. I would talk to your therapist about that. Now, I am not sure what "to be whole" means to you, but to me whatever it means is too big. However, lacking life skills and coping skills would be an area that a trauma therapist should be able to work with you on. I am working currently on just being "stable" which is learning coping and life skills for the most part and trying to tolerate the uncomfortable. I am not trying to process any memories yet and to an extent it's working, but it's still a steep road to travel. Have you had a conversation with your therapist about setting goals? I wasn't clear from what you wrote, which might just be me being tired.

 

[VioletButterfly]

Thank you to all of you. It's taken me a while to work through all that you so thoughtfully and eloquently wrote and provided me with to think about. I'm still re-reading, and trying to take it all in and understand what it means to self-direct.

I printed the post and studied it, thought a lot about it, and made notes. I sent the video to my therapist and we talked about it, and my post and your responses yesterday. It was an amazing, difficult, and terrifying session. I had a rough night last night - lots of crying. I'm still confused and wobbly today, but I am also very grateful that I reached out to you for perspective and that I talked, honestly, with my therapist about all of this, even the trust part. I think I am where I'm supposed to be. I also feel like I am just really starting therapy even though I've seen therapists for the past 10 years. This is a very different feeling/way of operating.

Dogwood Tree - I am glad that you didn't continue to see that T. Unfortunately, I did see a "therapist- centered" therapist first for 3 years and it served to add another layer to my CPTSD that I've been trying to work through for 10 years now. It is by the grace of God that I am still here. That's a whole other post though. Maybe this is why it feels so different for me now to be working with someone who wants me to take the reins instead of filling me with her thoughts. I guess we always want what's familiar, even when it's not the best for us. Also, thank you for attaching the video. I've known that I am an ACOA. I went to Al Anon for a few years, read ACOA books, went to a couple of ACOA meetings, but didn't then grasp all the speaker was able to sum up in about 12 minutes. He added dimensions to this that I hadn't incorporated into my thinking/emoting. Maybe I was just in a different place when I read/experienced those books/opportunities or I was operating under a different set of mental/emotional dynamics.

Thank you again to everyone for taking time and sharing your thoughts/experiences with me. I don't think I would have talked to my T and probably would have left therapy again which would be dangerous for me right now.

A very grateful and humble VB. :hug:

 

[Deleted member 29920]

:tup: vb

 

[DogwoodTree]

Dogwood Tree - I am glad that you didn't continue to see that T.

Me too. I told my equine T yesterday about the session with that other person...she just about exploded out of her seat at one point (but she did manage to restrain herself, lol), and could hardly believe anyone would have said to a trauma client the things that were said to me in that one hour. They're seriously considering getting that woman's boss involved to see if she needs some retraining. They're concerned about how she's treating other clients who don't have the perspective and support system that I have.

I did see a "therapist- centered" therapist first for 3 years and it served to add another layer to my CPTSD that I've been trying to work through for 10 years now. It is by the grace of God that I am still here.

I'm really sorry that happened to you. My current T told me, when I first started seeing him, that everything I had done for myself up to that point counted for something. Maybe it didn't resolve anything, maybe it created new challenges...but every piece was an important part of the process, if for no other reason than to inform me what doesn't work for me. Thankfully, I hadn't seen any bad Ts for as many years as you experienced, but I totally hear you on the "grace of God" pulling us through some of that mess.

Also, thank you for attaching the video. I've known that I am an ACOA. I went to Al Anon for a few years, read ACOA books, went to a couple of ACOA meetings, but didn't then grasp all the speaker was able to sum up in about 12 minutes. He added dimensions to this that I hadn't incorporated into my thinking/emoting.

Jerry Wise, the guy in the video, has several ACOA videos on his agency's YouTube channel (familytreecounseling). Other Ts in his group have videos there, too, but Jerry Wise's, I thought, were by far the best. I've watched almost all of them now.

I'm glad to hear that you've made so much progress in sorting some of this out. This was a great thread. Thanks for starting it.

 

[VioletButterfly]

Yes, my T has had similar responses to the few little bits I've offered up about T # 1 to her. I can't really go there yet - very deep scars, emotions, very enmeshed and upsetting. But, maybe in time, when I'm stronger, we'll go there. My T also responds in a similar fashion to other situations in my life that I've had to deal with or am dealing with. I find it curious as she is very animated whereas I guess I tend to minimize it all so that I can carry the load of it all, along with real-time stuff, and try to work through it at the same time. I don't know that I gained anything from the experience with T # 1 other than the knowledge that there are some very unscrupulous, untrained, unprofessional, and mentally messed up therapists out there, so we all have to be very careful of who we look to for help. Hard to do when you're very broken and afraid. I'm just hoping this time around will be more productive and that I can finally find some healing and peace. I'd like to have what everyone calls a "life" as I've lost more of living it than I have left in terms of time.

I liked the video a lot and saw others on the side panel out at YouTube and am keen to check them out. Thank you for sharing. VB

 

[Friday]

How do I know what goals to shoot for other than to be whole? I don't even have an identity and am lacking life skills and coping skills.

I think @JEKBreatheandBelieve nailed it right here. Strong 2nd. ^^^^ Process through your trauma. Build an identity, work on life & coping skills.