Sufferer New. Dissociative Features.

[DissociativeJunkie]

No...I really don't want to talk about any of this, and I've pretty much gotten away with it my whole life up until this point. I was diagnosed as having PTSD with dissociative features on Monday after a psychological assessment. There are other disorders present as well, but I don't know if its something I need to share. If interested, ask. I don't like to volunteer information to strangers. I mean...don't take it personal, I'm just really slow to warm up to people and open up. It's taken a year in therapy to get to the point where I have to talk about the events that have caused me to have PTSD.

I thought I had it in the past, but when I tried opening up to friends, they told me PTSD only comes from war and combat situations (I know this is a myth now). And they told me it was all in my head....my parents tell me its all in my head. So I just didn't think about it. I took myself someplace else and pretended none of it happened.

One of my other disorder effects how I feel and display emotions. My therapist said its very similar to how someone with autism is disconnected from their emotions. So me and emotions don't go well together. I don't know how to deal with them other than dissociating. They scare me. And if I'm being honest, all of this really, really, scares me. I'm not accustomed to being vulnerable.

So um...My PTSD comes from a traumatic childhood event, an abusive childhood, and a sexually abusive relationship when I was 17.

I think this will be a good community for conversation and support. Thank you for having me.

 

[Intrepid]

I can relate. Glad you are here. Welcome to the forum.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

So me and emotions don't go well together. I don't know how to deal with them other than dissociating. They scare me. And if I'm being honest, all of this really, really, scares me.

I can completely relate to that. Emotions coming- did someone just ask how I was feeling- suddenly I am far away (dissociating) or I am just numb. When I was in an inpatient program recently and they asked us to state how we were feeling at various times during certain groups and most of the time I either was mute or had no feelings that I could identify. I've been working really hard at being able to learn different emotions and I am going to be embarking on tolerating emotions with my parts (dissociative identity disorder). It is scary.

Welcome to the forum- I have found it to be a great place for conversations, knowledge, and support.

 

[Nighthawk]

Welcome to the forum :)

 

[RavenGirl]

And if I'm being honest, all of this really, really, scares me. I'm not accustomed to being vulnerable

You hit the nail right on the head with that one. When we become vulnerable we open ourselves to feelings. When we had feelings before we were severely hurt so or defense mechanism is to shut them down. It takes time, but I think it's worth it in the end. Welcome to the forum where there are people who are going through the same things. People who are understanding and supportive. Welcome. :)

 

[DissociativeJunkie]

I'd like to thank you all for replying and welcoming me.

When people ask me if I'm okay, its impossible for me to tell them the truth. I get pretty numb, force a smile and tell them I am fine. People always believe me. I'm an incredible faker. I've always suffered alone and in silence.

 

[RavenGirl]

@DissociativeJunkie , that's one thing I like about this forum. We can really say how we feel because everyone here knows what we are going through. :) We get to be totally honest and no one is going to think less of us. Also if we need advice there's so many people with great advice. Glad you decided to join. :tup:

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

When people ask me if I'm okay, its impossible for me to tell them the truth. I get pretty numb, force a smile and tell them I am fine. People always believe me.

I have learned that sometimes even when people can see that you are not fine, they are too scared, uncertain, busy...to actually stop and really check in. It's sad and lonely, but it's true. So I second @RavenGirl that this is a good place to be honest because there will almost always be someone here who gets it.

 

[DissociativeJunkie]

No one I know gets it. So it will be a relief to interact with people here, and be able to be myself without worrying too much...or being under verbal attack. When I was a child and growing up, if I cried my mother told me I was ugly and sent me to my room. So I learned not to cry in front of others, and to keep my problems to myself, and handle them on my own. Which I'm really not good at! Not at this point in the game. I wasn't allowed to be honest about my feelings and problems my whole life.

So this is hard, but I think...hopefully, I can articulate. Its easier typing than speaking. My thoughts can be rather disconnected at times. Trying to actually SAY what's on my mind and heart is so very hard. Today I am going to talk to my manager, because my disorders are affecting my performance. And I have no idea how I'm going to convey what I need to in a way that he will comprehend. Any advice?

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

Today I am going to talk to my manager, because my disorders are affecting my performance. And I have no idea how I'm going to convey what I need to in a way that he will comprehend. Any advice?

It can be tricky talking to bosses about this stuff. I recommend writing some of what you want to say beforehand. Also, do you have a doctor or therapist who will back you up on what you need. I know you had the psychological assessment, but I know for me I had to have notes from my therapist to state what accommodations I needed or to state why I needed time off (just general on that one, but to back up that I had symptoms from PTSD that were causing me to need time off.

 

[RavenGirl]

I also had a note from my therapist helping me. I get severely anxious when I need to ask for what I need so my T helped compose a letter that I gave to by boss. When he was done reading it I answered any questions he had. It really helped me to be able to keep my composure and thoughts in a cohesive order.

 

[DissociativeJunkie]

It can be tricky talking to bosses about this stuff. I recommend writing some of what you...

I can definitely get backing from at least three professionals if necessary. When I speak to him I will ask if I need documentation. Otherwise I see no need to get it involved unless they say so. After discussing this with a couple of other members I plan to say what I'm going through then tell him what I need in order to be successful. I've only missed two days of work between now and September, and they were due to mental health reasons.

I had to quit my last job due to mental health reasons, I was almost hospitalized. And if that happened they would have fired me so I quit just in case. I don't want to get to that point again. While I'm depressed, yes, but I am still mostly functional. At that point before, I couldn't function at all. I need my current employer to be on board with me. Because I'm going to need their support if I'm going to succeed. Not like...mental health support, but their understanding (even if partial) and willingness to work with me and mentor me. I am considered partially disabled by the state of NY.