Never Thought Of Myself As Abused

[shimmerz]

I am wondering if anyone else has had similar experiences through their therapy (or perhaps at a friends house when you were a kid) or whenever.

I was in counseling and I spoke about how I was grounded for years at a time by my mother. Like - years. And you could have knocked me off of the chair with a light gust. My counselor said 'That is abusive'. lol. WHAT? For all the times my mother told me she was doing it because she 'loved' me.... well, I guess I bought in. Large. Everything made just a little more sense about my past, my rebellious teenage years after that.

Anyone else have a specific 'moment' when they realized that what they thought was normal was actually abuse?

 

[Rumors]

Yes and I still can't use the word as it pertains to myself... I still want to say that it wasn't that bad. Not to mention how disloyal I feel towards the people who inflicted said abuse. Sucks. Sorry!

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

Yes, I had that moment. But then I went back to not believing it to be true because I bought in to believing that it was normal. I didn't know any different. I can't get my brain to connect abuse to the caring people I knew/know it just doesn't make sense in my mind- but I don't think it is supposed to make sense.

 

[illusionist]

I can't remember a specific moment of realisation that I was abused, but I do remember the realisation that I was deprived and to the extent I was.
...it hurt deeply and remember thinking I deserved to go without food etc anyway.

Saying that, I have come out with things to my partner, on the passing and his reaction takes me aback....takes me a moment to realise yep! that wasn't right.

Must be because it was so normal to us...yet it never crossed my mind to do those things with my own kids...quite the opposite. So why is it such a surprise to us to be made aware of our abuses, and not think of them as that?

 

[Ronin]

Yeah, I'm still not there.
I mean, I came back / survived, so it wasn't that bad, comparatively, right? :banghead:
I usually spot 'something's wrong about that' when other people are shocked. It weirds me out and gets me thinking. :cautious:

 

[Panda Bear]

Yep! I hear yeah :(

My T didn't use the words abusive or traumatic until recently. I think it was him wanting to keep me safe and be protective. I honestly didn't see the things that happens as just that, abusive. Once I started to specifically talk about things in detail and the acted like it was no big deal, he started to name them more accurately.

On Father's Day this year, I woke to a memory of something he used to do. It WAS abusive! I told T, and then asked him "that was abusive, right?" He very much vaulidated my feelings.

 

[Chava]

As an adult, when I went "home" and noticed the parts of the house or items that were still broken, whether thrown against a wall and glued together, or broken against my body. I just said to myself, "That's f*cked up." I never had much feeling for myself and never considered any of it as abusive. Now I can at least see the effects of the terrorizing, though still hard to call that abuse. I didn't end up hospitalized from physical abuse, so abuse in that way didn't really register (though I was hospitalized because of medical neglect a couple times). But mainly, like I said, by the time I was sort of conscious of the abnormalities in my home, I didn't really even care.

 

[DogwoodTree]

Yes, I did. Some of my classmates and I were at the library doing research for our term papers. One of the girls passed around a book that listed types of abuse, and everyone was gawking and sharing in their disgust. When the book got to me, I could check off about half of the things on the list as having happened in my house (that I knew about).

 

[Mammo]

hey

I'm still working on this. My previous T flat out said, "that is physical and emotional child abuse" and "you and your siblings should have been taken into care temporarily."

i felt like I had been hit by a freight train. Literally turned my world upside down. I didn't believe her though...to the point of doing endless legal research on what constitutes actual abuse etc...

So I went to see my current T, in order to get a second opinion on what this is...he refuses to answer that question.

though part of me has to admit, that upon speaking to trusted friends etc with examples...not one of them turned round and said, "yeh, that's totally normal" - this is not a good sign.

 

[Panda Bear]

@Mammo

My T waited 3yrs to point out things were specifically abusive. He knew I would freak and I'm not sure your T handled that very well. I'm so very sorry for that. I would have freaked, much like you :(

Right or wrong, it's how we were raised. It was so normal and I'm certain my T didn't want to let me believe it was right, but there is a fine line as well. It's a grief process. I was deeply hurt when I realized things that had happened were bad.

 

[laurainalameda]

Yeah my husband at some point said, you know you didn't have a happy, normal childhood, right? And I has gobsmacked.

My current T will say things like, you have been through a lot. If this were happening now, you and your sibs would be taken into care. He says it more as a validating thing, like it's ok that I was that scared, or that it was that hard. It's something I find supportive.

 

[Mammo]

Yeah my husband at some point said, you know you didn't have a happy, normal childhood, right? An...

Yeah, my ex-partner said something almost identical: "you know that wasn't 'right'"....uh, really?

It's all the more confronting because my father had a horrendous childhood; plus he now (ironically) is a member of the judiciary...