Feeeeeelings..whoa, Whoa, Whoa..

[watundah]

I go through life on a relatively even keel. I feel pretty fortunate but there are times...there is still alot of crap lurking below the surface.

A couple of things do happen still that I need to figure out.

1. Anxiety. I get bouts where my body tenses up, heart rate escalates and my chest feels tight. This usually happens in bed, of course, when the distractions of life aren't keeping these bouts of bay. The good thing is that they only last about 15 or 20 seconds. My therapist told me I am shutting them down and to let my body feels what is happening. Well, if I try to feel into them they last maybe 30 seconds. I am not sure if that is all there is or if my body has learned to endure just a little bit more. This can happen 3 or 4 times a night but that's rare. No obvious trigger, just pow.

2. Sadness. Fortunately, this rarely happens but out of nowhere I can get hit with overwhelming sadness. It only lasts for a few minutes. Again, no obvious trigger. Happens more during the day.

So am I dissociating away these short episodes? Is this like an iceberg where just a little is showing while the behemoth lurks below? I'm glad they dont run off with me and ruin my day but it's wierd like a quirky seizure of emotion. Ugh. Im kind of glad that I am learning to recognize these things as symptoms and wonder how long this has really been happening. Anyone get this?

 

[watundah]

And then there is Shame.
I hear so much about shame but in spite of having a Masters degree, I looked up the definition of shame so I could know what it means. I have so far removed myself from that feeling but reading the definition put the them in my face. I was raised to feel shameful but I.dont feel it anymore. Is it hiding too? Or am I healthier now?

 

[ladee]

Yes, I get it... I pay no attention to myself, if that makes sense, only when something out of the 'numb' happens do I notice....I was taking a walk today, saw some donkeys in the pasture, took a little video.... when I looked at it later, my hands were shaking so bad it was hard to see what I was taping.... so ya, I get it....
I will have a tightness in my chest for hours sometimes, hardly pay any attention to it anymore.... but I do stop, when I do notice it, and breathe..... breathe , breathe.... I must take tiny shallow breaths and just don't notice....
That is awesome that you are noticing things when they happen... and I doubt they will carry you away, but like me, I sometimes feel there should be Jaws music in the background of my life. Will it consume me? It's a rotten hamster wheel to be on and I empathize with you. Hope you find the causes and find ways to deal with it... would be interested to learn how you do deal with it.. will keep checking back to see how you are.
Thanks for sharing , I don't feel so alone when someone shares things I go thru everyday.

 

[ladee]

watundah... I have learned, thru my journey on this mudball, the difference between healthy shame and toxic shame.. I also was raised to feel deep and painful shame.. I rarely allow myself to get into situations where anyone can have that kind of power over me anymore.... healthy shame , to me, is I have done something wrong, such as just being rude and hurting someones feelings, toxic shame is thinking I am a bad person, that I am wired wrong, that something is WRONG with me... it becomes ME..... have worked a lot on shame.... we do things that are not appropriate, but it is not our identity, I am not bad and wrong, my actions were..... but being able to quickly make amends helps me to get over those feelings.... I hope you are able to find the distinction of healthy shame and toxic shame.... it is really some great freedom to know the difference...

 

[NewDayTomorrow]

I go through life on a relatively even keel. I feel pretty fortunate but there are times...there is sti...

Wow. The anxiety and sadness....that's exactly what happens to me lately. I also have happy moments. It used to be that I felt numb or dead all the time. Now I feel alive but sometimes I get hit with these intense emotions for a few minutes at a time. It comes out of nowhere. I hope it means we are tolerating feelings that we've been burying. I'm so glad we have this in common. Thanks for posting.

 

[watundah]

That's an excellent point, regarding toxic shame and healthy shame. Thanks for putting that out there.

I don't know why the feelings come out of nowhere like someone yanked my chain. I think this is a good therapy question. Mini flashbacks? And yes it is better than numbness especially when happiness and joy can be tossed in the mix.

Thanks for your replies.

 

[ladee]

Blessing for this part of your journey watunda, it does set us free when we can make that distinction...and also if we allow the 'monkey voices', what I call the negative talk in my head, to make us feel toxic shame.... I am a flawed human being. I am not bad and wrong.
So hope you and your T can make progress with this.... hope you come back and let us know how you are doing.

 

[DogwoodTree]

I recently came across this article that talks about how to face toxic shame:

http://lindagraham-mft.net/resource...power-of-mindful-empathy-to-heal-toxic-shame/

"The third foundation of mindfulness is noticing and naming thoughts, feelings, and beliefs as thoughts, feelings, and beliefs. When we notice what’s happening and when we name what’s happening – this is fear again, or this is anger again, or this is my story that I’m not good enough again, here’s one part of me being disgusted and critical of another part of me again – the noticing and naming keeps the frontal lobes of the higher brain firing, the part of the brain that knows what’s what, and decreases the firing of the amygdala, the part of the brain that sends us into alarm or shame.

Mindfulness is the primary tool we have to stay in and expand the window of tolerance – the Buddhist term is equanimity. If we’re too anxious, too hyper aroused, we go up out of the window of tolerance; if we are too ashamed, shut down, we collapse down out of the window. With equanimity, we can be present, aware, accepting, going with the flow, rolling with the punches, embracing experience exactly as it is.

We practice settling into an open, spacious awareness of experience in the moment – no reactivity, no judgment. Just allowing and accepting, oh, this is what is. Noticing and naming what’s happening without going into story. Simply, this is hearing, this is boredom, this is worrying. If there is judgment or reactivity, we practice just naming that and holding it spaciously with awareness and acceptance."

 

[ladee]

DogwoodTree, excellent article. Thank you so much for sharing.. in many ways I have done this thru the years, but have always had trouble getting my mind quite. So I started dialog with my inner child...I am so aware today when my child is wounded or happy. She gets to come out and play, no shame, no judgement, sometimes gentle lessons on how to be in social situations.. I have her back, always. And thru years of this work, she trusts me. I remember the first time I felt totally integrated with her. I felt safe for the first time in my life. I didn't need to be accepted by others. her and I accepted each other, and thru that. the social acceptance just happened.... and am totally ok when someone does not like me or approve.But it also opened many doors for feeling love from others.
So thank you so much for letting me see how to possibly go further with meditation and relaxation. I never stop learning, and for that I am grateful.

 

[watundah]

Yes, mindfullness and staying present are such giant, effective tools! It is like any new routine. It takes a LOT of muscle to stop and change, pause, slow down, check in instead of turning it off or ignoring. You know, if I do nothing else for myself in the year ahead, this should be it. I started with tiny steps (and realized how much anxiety I carry) but stalled. Even the grounding technique of feeling my feet on the floor was helpful. So much conscious application!