Powerlessness

[shimmerz]

PTSD, as I have found, has absolutely ravaged my sense of personal power. Where I used to be top notch in my business, I can't work now. Where I used to be able to make personal choices, I seemingly struggle with even the smallest choices. I don't feel useful to anyone.

I have a sport that I am doing right now that seems to be showing me what I have been missing all of this time. I am now seeing a contrast.... between when I feel competent and when I feel completely incompetent.

The people at this sport don't know anything about my PTSD. The people who do know about my PTSD seeming to be brushing me with the same large brush -- incompetent in all ways, which I am not. But it takes a toll.

Does anyone else here struggle with this and has anyone found an area(s) of their live(s) that help compensate for the feeling of powerlessness or incompetence?

 

[Intrepid]

I have video games. They give me a sense of accoplishment, but take me away from people. With people is where I feel incompetent.

I don't like to "compensate". I think of compensating as doing what is second best in order to survive.

I want to have a real life. Being in a sport where you interact with others is wonderful. I don't think that's compensation, though maybe for you it is. I think it is being involved.

I like that you said you can see the difference between competence and incompetence. I bet you faught for that one. One thing that makes incompetence so prevelent is the lack of self awareness.

 

[barefoot]

Yes, this is something that strikes a chord with me.

I think my main pain point around feeling incompetent was in my work in my previous job. It had become a real nightmare - though it's only really with hindsight that I can see just how much work was having a negative impact on me.

I got made redundant at the start of this year - it was horrible, unexpected, bad timing, even messier because I'd been off sick and thought I was returning to work then found out I didn't have a job to return to... A really unpleasant and stressful start to the year. As it turned out though, the redundancy has enabled me to change direction and find a job that I really like and am good at and that, importantly, is flexible and manageable so allows me to work in a way that suits me.

So, I've gone from feeling like I'd become really rubbish at work and was messing things up, forgetting things, not being able to focus to get stuff done well, feeling major anxiety most of the time in a corporate, open plan office, dissociating at my desk (not that I realised at the time that that's what I was doing), letting my team and my boss down etc etc to now doing something that feels much more in keeping with who I am, where I'm at at the moment and how I want to work.

Which doesn't mean there aren't challenges now. But because I'm working for myself under my own terms, I can generally make things work for me and manage my time so that I don't hit overwhelm. And I can work things in such a way so that, generally, my PTSD doesn't get in the way too much.

Also, through my current work I get a real sense of being of use to others. I know I make a positive difference to my clients' lives. And that knowledge, that sense of usefulness and purpose, is a big boost and positive reality check for me when it feels like I'm falling apart myself.

It sounds like your sporting activity is pushing some positive buttons for you and giving you a sense of usefulness and purpose - especially because the others don't know about your PTSD, so that maybe brings a sense of having a break from it yourself somehow?

Where else do you feel like you have a use/purpose?

 

[barefoot]

I think also reminding myself that I always have choices, takes away some of the feelings of powerlessness sometimes. The choices may be difficult/not ideal but options always exist. So knowing that a) options are out there and b) I get to choose, even if it's about really small stuff (like which seat do I want to sit in at a restaurant so that I feel safest) - that's empowering and feels like I can take a bit of control back..

 

[Kailani]

I like barefoot' input of choices giving power. I found that true also; choice a or b. Gives a sense of power with the choice as long as it's not overwhelming with choice c,d,e,f.... I also heard making your own pizza and choosing topping helps feeling more in control and making your own sundae and choosing toppings. I also had a hard time in a job feeling totally incompetent cuz my PTSD was so severe and I was highly over medicated. I try to tell myself that that was the reason why and when I'm not on meds I'm way better! I try to remind myself of successful days on job and references that were great. I also strive to be better than I was yeasterday. A constantly improving, person so don't judge on yesterday... If people are stuck in one opinion of your competence that is their problem. Each day is a new day. If they can recognize your successes that's great. If not you may need a new group to support you. So great that you are out there with people and exercising and focusing on a talent.

 

[Ronin]

Does anyone else here struggle with this and has anyone found an area(s) of their live(s) that help compensate for the feeling of powerlessness or incompetence?

I'm not where I used to be, & nowhere near capable people these days -

But I'm still waay better at what I do than many, and it still makes sense to be doing it, because every so often, nobody else will.

Also: That's a challenge to find what else I can be bloody brilliant at and haven't tried before, or tried but didn't pursue before ;)

 

[Friday]

Does anyone else here struggle with this and has anyone found an area(s) of their live(s) that help compensate for the feeling of powerlessness or incompetence?

Very much so.

Does Anyone Use Competence As Part Of Their Therapy?

More to say on it in a bit... I guess it's been about 6mo since I wrote that... But I cannot words very much right now.

 

[shimmerz]

Thinking of you Friday. My thoughts are with you....so sorry you are suffering.

I bet you faught for that one.

Yes, I am still. The good thing is that is it allowing me to see the contrast between how I react when I feel competent (which I read as empowered), and when I don't. It is a black/white thing for me right now. There doesn't seem to be an 'in between' that is visible to me at this moment.

As it turned out though, the redundancy has enabled me to change direction and find a job that I really like and am good at and that, importantly, is flexible and manageable so allows me to work in a way that suits me.

I love hearing this @barefoot. Congratulations!

It sounds like your sporting activity is pushing some positive buttons for you and giving you a sense of usefulness and purpose - especially because the others don't know about your PTSD, so that maybe brings a sense of having a break from it yourself somehow?

Yes, I think this is very true, although I hadn't thought of it until you mentioned it. I am no longer defined around a framework of PTSD. And yes, just being me without constantly having to think about how the PTSD is challenging me in that timeframe is helping my build some great neuro circuitry that really appreciate.

Where else do you feel like you have a use/purpose?

Nowhere at this point. This is the frustration. This sport will never pay the bills or allow me independence in any 'surviving' way, which, of course, is ultimately my goal.

The choices may be difficult/not ideal but options always exist.

Much of the time, through the worst of my symptom state, I did not have choices and if I exercised choices, it was dangerous to me or caused undue stress to those around me. I am learning now that these choices exist, but to what extent is, at times, difficult to judge.

If they can recognize your successes that's great. If not you may need a new group to support you.

Yes, and this is exactly what I have had to do. Leave everyone behind. So incredibly painful. In order to regain my sense of confidence, well, I am learning that people remember things.... and were constantly reminding me of what I 'can't do', much of which is changing for the better.

But I'm still waay better at what I do than many, and it still makes sense to be doing it, because every so often, nobody else will.

Somehow I lost it all.... maybe my state of regression, idk. Where I used to be articulate, I am no longer... clear headed, lol, no fear of that here.... Everything has changed and I can't see to see that I 'excel' or even 'keep up' at anything. It isn't like I am not looking.... *heavy sigh*

And I wonder how much of this is true 'in this moment' and also am really starting to think that I am going to have to fight to regain my power. Drop people, entirely change my hobbies/keep seeking new things. Because what I used to be, well, I am certainly no longer that.

 

[scout86]

Yes. I'm really good at my job and have NO problem believing that. Other stuff?????

And I wonder if this relates to my T's latest thing to harp on. Something to do with the inner messages we continually play in our heads actually making a difference. (And he says he has brain scan evidence to back that up, so I shouldn't bother to argue with him. LOL)

I'm going to argue with him anyway. (Wouldn't want to disappoint him!) But, how much of "feeling competent" do you suppose comes from simply believing that you are?

 

[shimmerz]

But, how much of "feeling competent" do you suppose comes from simply believing that you are?

Exactly. And when the PTSD was REALLY freaking horrible for me, it deposited data in my brain that absolutely backed up that I am not competent in anything at all.

Except..... figuring out strategies to help my PTSD symptoms (which I am very good at). That doesn't make me powerful in today's society though. I have lost anything that society SEES as being competent in day to day life. And I don't think that is an illusion.

 

[scout86]

I have lost anything that society SEES as being competent in day to day life

Yeah, but what do THEY know?????? "They" think there's a such thing as "safe"! :arghh; :bag:

 

[Chava]

Powerlessness and power. Yes. Where to start? Negative ways of gaining/feeling power: self harm, starving, getting drunk, just being a bitch, focusing on small ways I could intimidate others. I've moved beyond most of that and have sort of come home to my original sense of powerlessness. With that came depression, chronic pain, relapse into drinking. I'm trying to regain power in positive ways and stop feeling myself as so powerless. Certain activities help, sometimes even subtle attention to my posture, some spiritual beliefs that are just little baby floundering beliefs (but I'm trying to nurture them), and also recognizing choices.

My therapist has been helpful in reminding me that a big part of my healing is realizing I have different choices. Much of my current powerlessness (vs the actual powerless states from the past) relates to how I have actually trapped myself or am repeating old, limiting behaviors or responses without being able to notice or try other options. Now seemingly little things help me feel like I have power, like making myself a good meal, because I realize I am no longer powerless to all the self-perpetuating destruction. Also, I'm realizing how I can create new experiences or little adventures. My curiosity and willingness to try new things has probably saved my life because I find power in knowing I can change, or my life can change...even if sometimes in just very subtle ways.