Relationship Enlightened But Anxious

[Kita5789]

Hi, I'm new here and I'm currently in a relationship with a sufferer who has PTSD from both the military and other traumas. We have been together 4 months and in a long distance relationship 6 hours apart. I am very much in love and committed. The beginning of our relationship was all lovey Dovey rainbows and sunshine. She let me know right off the bat that she has PTSD and a big complaint from exes was that she became emotionally withdrawn. She opened up and became vulnerable and shared a lot of herself with me in the beginning. From the start, she always stressed her desire for me to be independent and "whole" and secure. I struggled with insecurities and neediness and it started to drive a wedge in us. I have seen a therapist for the past two months and am well on a great path for myself, with her support.
However, for the past month or more, she has slowly become more distant. She has been recently dealing with the onset of a chronic health problem, as well as more stress at work and with her child. She is a single mom. The sweet loving texts or calls are few and far between now. She doesn't respond much to my efforts to be sweet and loving, etc. I began to really struggle with this and become confused. How could everything change so drastically I'm a short period of time? I am also someone who receives love greatly through words and positive reinforcement. I am emotional, but have the ability to give so much love and do my best for those I care about. She started telling me more that her anger issues were starting to be fueled again. She has always been very open and honest with me. Reading through different posts on this forum has enlightened me tremendously. I now understand that her behaviors are normal for ptsd and that eases my anxiety. She is growing more and more distant as the stressors pile up. I now realize that my biggest mistake is overwhelming her with too much support, if you know what I mean. I reach out too much and may be guilty of pushing too much. I'm now working on realizing she needs that space and allowing her to have it. I know she cares and loves me, but I can't help but still feel scared by the isolating. It's hard to set my need to be shown love aside. However, I am deeply committed to her and us. I want to be the best carer I can be for her, but also feel secure and loved. The rational part of me understands, but the emotional part is struggling. Joining this has helped educate me a lot already, and I am hopeful it will continue to make things easier for me. Any advice or words of encouragement would be great

 

[RavenGirl]

Hi, welcome to the forum! I too am a person who needs words of affirmation as I never recieved Ay growing up. I only was told horrible things, untrue things about myself from my abusers. Also my patents never gave me complements either. So what I have learned through therapy is to give myself daily self affirmations. For me they are sentences that affirm things about myself that I need to remember. Things such as; I deserve to be loved! I have great value. I deserve respect! I believe in myself. I am more than good enough. My opinion matters! I am beautiful! I deserve to be heard!!! (I was never heard /listened to as a child about the abuse) I am more than good enough. Etc... my list goes on.
Everyone needs to make up their own affirmations that fit their needs and say them each day. They seem silly at first, but after a while it's amazing how your mind turns around and believes! Your confidence builds and you feel so much better about yourself. I hope this helps you too. :tup:;):happy:

 

[Sighs]

I want to be the best carer I can be for her, but also feel secure and loved.

I'd like to feel secure and loved too, but my vet simply cannot give me that. A sufferer on this site pointed out to me once that its impossible to offer someone else love and security in a relationship when you honestly don't know if you can survive another 24 hours. At the time that seemed a bit OTT and dramatic to me. I've since learned that its literally true for some PTSD sufferers.

If our reality and our expectations do not match then we are unhappy. Sometimes it is your reality that needs to change. Sometimes it is your expectations.

 

[RavenGirl]

If our reality and our expectations do not match then we are unhappy. Sometimes it is your reality that needs to change. Sometimes it is your expectations

True, sometimes you need to decide if what you are getting out of the relationship is enough for you. If the answer is yes then great. If the answer is no then something needs to change.

 

[Sighs]

And if nothing changes then nothing changes. Worst mistake you can make is hang around in a relationship waiting for it to get better magically on its own.

 

[Kita5789]

Thank you for your reply. Raven, I have actually been practicing positive affirmations daily for the past few weeks and it's been very helpful. I've slipped the past couple days though. And you both are right.. I struggle with expectations. I have high hopes and then always feel disappointed in a lot of aspects of life, this being one.
I guess I'm holding onto the fact that I know love is there. She's clearly demonstrated the ability before, just not lately. I know she gives me what she can. It seems what I'm hung up on the most is how she has the ability to show such love and care at first, and now all of a sudden she doesn't/can't. Is it possibly due to all the recent stress building up?
The relationship is worth it to me, at least right now. I understand she has major things to go through right now that can naturally affect any relationship- PTSD or not. And I want to be by her side through it

 

[RavenGirl]

The more stress we have the more we crawl into ourselves. It's a defense mechanism, one I struggle with too but not to the same Degree as others. Some days it's a struggle just to get up and be ourselves let alone have to worry about anyone else. That doesn't mean we don't care, it just means we don't / can't find the energy to deal with anything else but whatever moment we are in right then. PTSD is a monster that totally runs us ragged some days and others we are able to cage it and we rule the beast. Finding a spouse with unconditional love, patience, and understanding had been of the biggest and best blessings in my life. :joyful: I hope things take a positive turn for you. Hang in there, Holidays add a whole other stress level to our lives! :hug:

 

[Kita5789]

Thanks for that, I really needed it at the moment. Knowing I can give unconditional love, patience and understanding is something that fuels me to keep going. And reminding myself that it is appreciated deep down