Powerlessness

[shimmerz]

but what do THEY know??????

Survival seems to come much more easily to them, as it used to with me. Because I had data to back up the fact that I could do it. The problem was, I was doing it for someone else, not me. That realization slammed me across the face when I was no longer responsible for my children. Crazy how these things hide from us, isn't it?

Negative ways of gaining/feeling power: self harm, starving, getting drunk, just being a bitch, focusing on small ways I could intimidate others.

I hadn't thought of this, but yes. These are ways of having the illusion of power.

sometimes even subtle attention to my posture, some spiritual beliefs that are just little baby floundering beliefs (but I'm trying to nurture them), and also recognizing choices.

It is an angonizingly slow process isn't it? Arrrrrgggghhhh!

relates to how I have actually trapped myself or am repeating old, limiting behaviors or responses without being able to notice or try other options.

Yes, and for myself it has been key in recognizing that I am doing the blue/not blue thing. Either this or that and that is not possible and this is really really freaking hard. But that there are things that lie in the middle. For this I need support - and that is where you all have been key. Especially without having a therapist.

I find power in knowing I can change, or my life can change...even if sometimes in just very subtle ways.

And I think recognizing that these are powerful things.... even though society doesn't see them as such.

 

[scout86]

And I think recognizing that these are powerful things.... even though society doesn't see them as such.

Don't they?
What IS "power" anyway? Different things to different people?

 

[Kayle]

PTSD, as I have found, has absolutely ravaged my sense of personal power. Where I used to be top notch...

Hell yes. I began powerlifting in 2011. I'm immensely physically stronger, carry myself taller and empower myself to do basic ass things on a daily basis because I can and I should and who the hell can say no to me? All realistic things, of course.

 

[shimmerz]

I'm immensely physically stronger, carry myself taller and empower myself

One of the things I have really noticed is that my sport is changing things that have to do with my somatics. I notice when I feel empowered (usually after sport), my shoulders are back, I walk differently. My body and how IT feels changes my mentality. Hugely.

Don't they?

No, I don't think they do. They (most of them) have no frame of reference for how primal this struggle is. They worry about paying bills, taking vacation, retirement. Christ, I haven't had a moments vacation since this whole thing started with me.

I can't actually put on my resume the skills that I have learned in deeking out my brain so that I don't go into flashbacks, crash out on the floor, or run from a store because I hear a child cry. Well, I could, but it wouldn't be relevant, imo, in today's corporate society. And I have a 10 year gap in my resume now. At 50+ years old..... I don't even know what my skills are now. But the question is, do I not have skills that are marketable or do I think I don't have skills that are marketable? Is this an illusion?

I mean, I feel I know a lot, have accomplished a lot in this time.... and that should be empowering, but in today's market, is that really translatable to being able to get back into the game?

 

[scout86]

do I think I don't have skills that are marketable?

That, IMO. The thing is, "titles", in a way. I'm sort of the wrong person to talk about this. I have never gotten a job that required a resume and a formal application. At the same time, I don't think I've ever had an employer who wouldn't admit I was a good, if annoying, employee. You might want to research some of the advice they give veterans who are looking for civilian work. Being a trigger puller doesn't easily translate to civilian life, but there is perseverance, grace under pressure, the ability to regroup and try again, problem solving, flexibility...... You have a LOT of skills and most of them have value. It's a matter of finding a way to express them that "normal people" can relate to. OR, you find a job that doesn't require that kind of game playing. Some sort of independent contractor deal? At this point, I really can't imagine having to try to work for a "boss". I have enough problems meeting people's expectations as it is!

Maybe this is part of the reason my T says he thinks "normal" is over rated?

 

[shimmerz]

At this point, I really can't imagine having to try to work for a "boss".

I have always worked for myself. And I am realizing through my sports that I am NOT ready to deal with the entitled, demanding, 'work until you drop on the ground dead' kind of culture. I suppose now that I have tasted empowered again I will be more likely to see it as I am able to expand into the world 'baby step by baby step'. There are so many steps to this process. I didn't realize how many black holes there were in having a job. So many places I am guessing I would fall given the limited self confidence I have now (read empowerment).

Personally, I agree with your T, and think that NORMAL is kinda nuts. But I need enough of a facsimile of normal to slide under the radar, you know?

 

[Chava]

What IS "power" anyway? Different things to different people?

I think there are forms of socially accepted "power" (money, fame, influence, etc) and then the general and yet widely varied forms of having power over others, whether through trying to control others or even have benign influence. Or control over the external environment. I don't relate to much of that though when I sense I'm around someone like that, I manage to get the f*ck away or not play into the games.

For me power is very internal. I could own a chest full of guns, be president of one of the largest banks, or have people idolizing me and doing me all kinds of favors, and I wouldn't feel powerful. In my version, if I could eat a normal person dinner and not throw up, that has felt like power. If I could hold my head up and make eye contact in slightly chaotic situations, that has been power. If I can respond to old stressors in new ways, that always feels powerful. I just want power over my body and some basic sense of power over my life. Would others see me as powerful? Probably not. Though, maybe because of my own stuff, I do really see power in people that strike me as fearless but compassionate, or aware of their shit yet working through it in a really aware and self-compassionate way. I see self-awareness in others as powerful.

 

[Friday]

I mean, I feel I know a lot, have accomplished a lot in this time.... and that should be empowering, but in today's market, is that really translatable to being able to get back into the game?

Maaaaaaybe off topic (maybe not)... But this is a huge thing for me in survival-mode : I can't charge people for things I would do for free in an emergency. I'm just not physically capable of it :banghead:

When I'm in Life-Mode? Yeah. I can tell people to pay me. My skills are marketable, my time is valuable, my expertise costs. I will do free for friends, or even volunteer/pro bono work just because I feel like it, but the rest of the time I need to make rent (save for vacations, retirement, etc.), just like everybody else.

When I'm in Survival-Mode? Have at. Anything I've got is at the disposal of everyone around me. It doesn't matter that they are the same. damn. skills. I become unable to see them as something I should withhold for payment, or ration, or whatever. Added to that piece: The goal post has shifted. Either skillA is useful to surviving right now this second, or it's not. If it's not useful this second? It's not valuable/ I place no value on it. The idea of collating my skills together into some sort of job? Frown. It doesn't compute. It requires more forward thinking than I am capable of to group skills. And employment requires both: grouping skills & withholding them for payment.

Anyhow...hopefully not too off topic. All of ^^^^ just a major OMFG! Lightbulb!!! moment.

 

[shimmerz]

Not off topic at all. Completely on the mark....

And employment requires both: grouping skills & withholding them for payment.

Yes. Grouping skills .... something that came much more easily to me at one time. I didn't realize just how incredibly intertwined simple tasks were until this PTSD thing.... and until I can figure out whether I can group those skills to come to a consistent and reasonable facsimile of the desired outcome, it feels, to me that the thing I am attempting to accomplish but can't, is a direct reflection of my complete and utter powerlessness.

The Brownie Debacle
Invited out for Thanksgiving dinner. Everyone knows that when you are invited to someone's house for dinner you bring shit. Easy for most. Me? Not so much. kitchens, cooking, baking all part of a huge trigger.

So I say to my partner:
Me - 'tell them I will bring brownies' (I thought I could do it) <--- attempt at empowered
So, I go to the store to get the stuff..... a HUGE task for me <---- empowered
I mix and stir and find out I don't have the proper pan. f*ck. Try it in the wrong pan.
Brownies are like cement. <--- disempowered
I cry. WTF is WRONG with me? (powerlessness)

Goddammit, I say to myself. I am NOT going to let brownies beat me down. <---- attempt at empowerment

I try again, but first have to buy new pan (huge triggers in this)<---- empowered

I mix and stir and put in new pan (which was smaller than the one I wanted but I couldn't hop from store to store because stores are a problem for me) <---- empowered

Brownies come out raw. I cry again. <---- disempowered

I want to pull my hair out (literally) but don't <---- is this empowered or disempowered? Idk

And the brownies become a mirror of myself. Swinging wildly between my attempts to 'carry on' (empowerment), and the results, which are hugely disempowering given the end result(s). And every step of making those brownies - every single part of the 'group' is a massive challenge. And at the end of it all, I realize that I can't do sweet f* all anymore. <---- disempowering, so best not go to people's houses for dinner anymore..... and that leads to a whole new set of challenges and the cycle continues.

 

[scout86]

OMFG! Lightbulb!!! moment.

Ummmmmm ...... Yeah, it IS. Some stuff there I've never paid any attention to, never thought anything about.... And maybe I should? And I'm wondering about something my T said recently ("I think I'M worried more about your future than YOU are!)

The Brownie Debacle

This is why I always volunteer to bring potato chips. Or pickles. :D.

 

[shimmerz]

This is why I always volunteer to bring potato chips. Or pickles.

Yes, I understand, which was my MO back in the day. Keeping in mind that I am trying to expand my world and these walls need to be pushed..... so I can see just what I can and cannot do in the meantime.

In saying that, it is a fine line between pushing too hard and saying 'screw it, work on something else'. Until I figure out what helps me feel empowered 1% of the day and then 5% of the day and then 15% of the day - wash, rinse, repeat - not allowing the so called 'failures' to impede my states of empowerment. No idea if this makes sense to anyone else but me.

 

[scout86]

not allowing the so called 'failures'

I actually wouldn't call the brownie episode a failure. I'd call it a learning experience. And the lessons isn't necessarily that you "can't do brownies" either. It's that there are still road blocks that need to be dealt with in CASE you decide you want to do brownies. As long as you learn something, I don't see it as "failure".