Relationship Ptsd And Jealousy??

[A13]

• Hey guys, I'm just looking for some advice on jealousy of the sufferer. My partner has been diagnosed some time ago after leaving the military. His relationship before me broke down due to his partner being unfaithful. Which I understand will make anyone insecure. The reason I'm seeking advice was because my partner had a bit of an episode yesterday he works now in security and i was in his work place, there were really large benches and table that sat around 20 people. Naturally I just started chatting with the two guys next to us (baring in mind I'm with my sister and mum)
• After sitting having a chat I left and the others stayed on.
• That's when he changed so quickly. Basically accusing me of sitting flirting with these two men who were like 20 years older than me. I tried to defuse the situation. Explaining what we were chatting about and reassuring my partner. When the argument escalated and he started dragging up old arguments. Saying I made him feel like shit for just talking to the two guys.
• So I'm just trying to determine is he super jealous or does jealousy and ptsd go hand in hand. If so how do I address this. The argument was blazing so I literally just left because I felt he was being so unreasonable and i simply couldn't get through to him. ( we have had such arguments in the past where he accuses me of staring at every man in our gym, considering we train together and I have no intention of even looking at another man, I'm madly in love and lust for my partner but he just can't see this)

Any help???

Thanks

 

[Deleted member 19804]

Hi Adm13,

This is a difficult situation for both of you. His past experiences as well as his PTSD make his jealousy and mistrust understandable. However, that does not make it ok. Right now his behaviour is hurting both of you and that's not helpful in any way.

From what you wrote here I understand that it can be hard to talk to him about these things. Is it possible for you both to sit down together and to calmly explain both of your sides of the story to each other? I mean talking openly and actually listening to each other, without going into the offence or defence mode.

What is going on is not your fault. There is nothing wrong with having a normal conversation with other men. But this is something you will both have to work out together. Have you considered going to couples' therapy?

Best of luck with all of this :hug:

 

[shimmerz]

is he super jealous or does jealousy and PTSD go hand in hand. If so how do I address this.

The emotion of jealousy is a human quality, not a PTSD quality. The overreaction may have something to do with his lack of regulation of his emotions (which is a PTSD thing perhaps).

 

[Friday]

Yeah... Jealousy & PTSD don't go hand in hand. There are just as many PTSD'ers who don't have a jealous bone in their bodies as those who struggle greatly with it.

Where you will find a link/traction is what @shimmerz mentioned : the emotional dysregulation & impulse control issues many/most of us struggle with... And anxiety symptoms... and black&white thinking. Those things, when paired with any human emotion or habit can make it blow up outta control. Doesn't matter whether it's jealousy or cleanliness.

Does that make it excuseable? Nope. The opposite. It means it's something that cannot just be allowed to run amok freely // needs to be learned to be controlled. To slow it down, break it into pieces, challenge the cognitive distortions, and work toward rational expression. Like the fight/flight response is no damn excuse to punch your spouse in the face (fight), or shove someone into traffic and run (flight). We are responsible for our actions.

In a neurotypical person a lot of things can be let slide, because they're both rare & no big deal overall... They only crop up in an emergency, and even so they'll settle in time. With PTSD, we have to train ourselves to react and respond differently, because our brains exist in a near constant state of emergency, and the behaviors strengthen each other, instead of weaken, over time.

Don't take shit "because" it's PTSD, or can be traced back to PTSD exacerbating something else. Reeeeealy firm boundaries needed.

 

[Purplemunchkin]

Sometimes, something is bothering hubby and his PTSD.

Unfortunately the PTSD won't immediately let him sit down and tell me his worries. First we have to go through the dance. The dance used to last for hours and hours, but with practice and effort from both of us it is usually a lot quicker now.

During the dance everything I say is taken, twisted and used against me to fuel an argument that I wasn't aware we were having.
So I walk away and tell him to come find me when he's ready to talk.

In the early days the argument would escalate until we were both shouting, and I was in tears, until I would run and lock myself in the bathroom until I had calmed down and stopped sobbing. Then I came to these forums and learned about boundaries

As @FridayJones said, boundaries are key - your boundaries, not his. My boundary is that I will not be spoken to/shouted at in that way, by anyone. If someone does speak to me like that, I walk away.

It takes time. To start with when I walked away hubby would follow me (we had a tiny house, so I would lock myself in the bathroom and play loud music on my 'phone), then he would stay where he was but still shout after me (I'd go to the bedroom, and turn the TV up). Now he just stays where he is, and stops trying to communicate until he is calm enough to do it in a way that won't result in me leaving the room.

Good luck with working out your boundaries, and sticking to them. :hug: