Powerlessness

[tontoe]

PTSD, as I have found, has absolutely ravaged my sense of personal power. Where I used to be top notch...

Thank you!
This, and the posts following it, resonate so powerfully for me just now! The thing I am really struggling with at the moment is a [very recent] deep realisation that my daily occupation doesn't really provide any validation of me or my competence at all. In fact, I also realise that the alternative occupations I have attempted to pursue in tandem over the last two decades [acting and writing in particular] are, by their competitive nature, much more likely to result in rejection and therefore... guess what? Disempowerment...
Now, I just [!] need to find something to do that makes me feel empowered... or perhaps to find a way of feeling empowerment from what I do regardless of the absence of validation by others. Which maybe brings me to the nub of the issue for me - having always been dependent on an outside validation of me and the things I do, rather than having an inherent sense of my own self-worth, I've always been set up for feeling disempowered...

 

[shimmerz]

empowerment from what I do regardless of the absence of validation by others.

Yes, this ^^^. I mean, I am doing myself in right now. I am the one who is gauging whether I am doing well or not, bashing myself if I don't live up. But I also know that one of the reasons I have to be careful as to who I am socializing with is because I feel like a sailboat without a skipper, thrown around by the winds of other people's validation of me.

I mean, if I can't cut myself some slack --- how can I possibly expect others to? Or even take it in if they do?

Very unnerving for me.

 

[Brotherbee]

Yes, this ^^^. I mean, I am doing myself in right now. I am the one who is gauging whether I am doing...

Whoa. Powerful. Yes.

 

[tontoe]

Yes, this ^^^. I mean, I am doing myself in right now. I am the one who is gauging whether I am doing...

too right @shimmerz ...
I often feel that if I could just crack the issue of feeling I have, to various degrees, to get my validation from outside myself, rather than from others {how am I doing, am I okay, was that any good, etc etc] I would progress with recovery in leaps and bounds.
For me, this is one of the worst aspects of the events that caused my CPTSD - the stripping away of my autonomy and the sense of self worth that came with them...

 

[Deleted member 28740]

feel like a sailboat without a skipper, thrown around by the winds of other people's validation of me.

PTSD is much harder than sailing. Sailing is not easy, but you learn (or not) to know the boat, control of gear what it does and how to make it work for you, help you. When to drop sail and ride it out hoping still on course. PTSD is at times that the gear you know how to use to best advantage is not where it was or functional, besides what the conditions throw at you. Exhausting when the conditions are blowing.

Adrift. Sucks when you are doing your best to empower. Trying to work out new paths to better seas and weather and dreams.

 

[Recovery4Me]

When all else fails...I scream, "I am more than an acronym."

Measuring power and what it ensues is a discussion that has been around for countless ages and sold many a book. But never has a Queen been dethroned for bad brownie making ((((hugs @shimmerz )))).

Firstly....next time you offer to cook, have a back-up plan of what to do with the stuff if it does not met your expectations...
like:
chop up too done brownies and freeze them before going than add them to ice cream, cool-whip and cover in chocolate sauce that hardens. Put back in freezer and bring when leavening with a store bought coco sponge, pound or lady fingers. Scoop out and place on top at desert time (after slicing the cakes thinly) redrizzle chocolate scauce. Top with more whip cream, sprinkles and a cherry. No one will say a word.

Brownies undone? No problem! Gently wrap them in a moist paper towel and microwave a little at a time until finished. Place on plate, cover with favorite sauce (raspberry works too or maple) dust with coco and bam....no one says a word.

So Shim...since when do we value Betty Crocker above the Amazon Warrior Queen? ((((hugs)))) I am sorry you feel powerless in the moment but I bet you will pick up your sword when ready again. Xx

 

[Brotherbee]

PTSD is much harder than sailing. Sailing is not easy, but you learn (or not) to know the boat, cont...

Changeling, if I understand you, this is pretty amazing stuff you've said here. You are working with your experience with PTSD as neither inherently positive or negative, but approaching it practically, using your inner resources to make it work for you. There's a ride to our emotions, thoughts and our body. Get good at it. Do I have this right?

 

[Deleted member 28740]

Maybe @Brotherbee, it is a conceptual metaphor. For now, my real boat, and the real me is on a dock upside down. PTSD wreaks havoc on the integrity of the vessel. Generally most of us in are bad weather and trying to remain afloat. Get to a secure place out of the weather and go over all the gear.

 

[stillstanding2]

Does anyone else here struggle with this and has anyone found an area(s) of their live(s) that help compensate for the feeling of powerlessness or incompetence?

I'd say that every honest person has that struggle to contend with. Anyone who doesn't question his own abilities at times must be a narcissist.

It is good to hear that you have found a niche of satisfaction in your sport. In that aspect, you are have clear evidence that you can meet your own standards of success. And it's your self-perception that counts.

 

[paula parcell]

PTSD, as I have found, has absolutely ravaged my sense of personal power. Where I used to be top notch...

Yes my art

 

[stillstanding2]

The people who do know about my PTSD seeming to be brushing me with the same large brush -- incompetent in all ways, which I am not. But it takes a toll.

Does anyone else here struggle with this and has anyone found an area(s) of their live(s) that help compensate for the feeling of powerlessness or incompetence?

Definitely yes! At least I lived that life several times, all of which have contributed to PTSD. I've had a good therapist though for about 25 years, who has helped me immensely.

I think though that the most important factor in my survival is having my wonderful daughter and now a granddaughter. When my wife died, our daughter was only 8. I devoted my sanity to trying to be all of me and as much of my wife as I could be for her. I'm still vigilant on their behalf, and try not to let my older traumas interfere with our times together.

It's a commitment that I can honor, no how much interference I get in my mind. I am more of a survivor than I ever was before. And if I feel any changes beginning (as it did some months ago) I can identify them more readily, writing on this forum or talking with my T.