DID D.i.d. woes

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

It's been a rough day. I knew it was coming and I tried to run as far away from it as I could. I could feel the internal struggles, but I did everything I could to ignore them. I know I should have dealt with it as soon as I could sense it. Problem is, I have just wanted to be me. I have enjoyed being hopeful and getting senses of enjoyment. I've been taking tiny risks and doing pretty well. But I made the mistake I always do, I didn't make time for all of the other parts of me. And so things have built up and I spent the day feeling like I was drugged so a part could prove her power over others. I don't remember therapy today. I barely remember the rest of the day. I feel sick, alone, and angry. And I feel like it's all my fault like I always feel about everything. I don't want to feel so alone and so miserable in this world.

 

[MesaRock]

well it sounds like most of your stretching into risk has been rewarding, so this is a wobble and will pass. My two cents. It's always surprising to me how many parts of oneself have to be tended to in this work, and it's very easy to have a day where some of that tending doesn't happen, or we intentionally or unintentionally test ourselves, or just try to give ourselves a break. Your experience today truly resonates with me. i'm sure there WERE lots of things you DID tend to...you went to therapy, and you're acknowledging unpleasant feelings after trying to skirt around them. Perhaps today can be a sloughing off of built up stuff - the feeling sick, alone, angry, guilty - experience the experience, remember all your successes, say kind things to yourself about your very apparent bravery and tenacity, and know that you will stay on the path of slow and steady work and feel hopeful and enjoyment again...probably much sooner than later, once today's gunk has come out. warm thoughts to you.

 

[Stickler]

Mine tend to cause problems, yeah. Oftentimes? Talking to them internally can produce a negotiated settlement.
...You have to respond to them with a combination of firmness and love...especially the ones who are trying to get you killed or monkeywrench your life.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

@MesaRock , thank you so much for that message. I don't know you and you only know my post, but you made me feel completely not alone and completely accepted. Thanks for the magical words. They really helped.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

Mine tend to cause problems, yeah. Oftentimes? Talking to them internally can produce a negotiated sett...

I have gotten much better at communicating internally. And a lot of good has become of that. However, I believe that there are two parts inside in a kind of power struggle. I just have to acknowledge it and move on because right now there is nothing I can or should do about it according to inside. It's just not pleasant and I don't like it, but it's a part of the whole deal I guess.