Worried - Possible Abusive Relationship?

[Ryn]

Hi all,

This situation may come to nothing after all, so this may just be me getting my thoughts out, but I am worried. Over the holidays I have spent time with a relative (same age as me, young 20s) who has brought her new boyfriend to some of our family gatherings. I used to be very, very close - best friends, really - with this relative, and while we have grown apart throughout the years, I still care about her very much.

I am worried that this new boyfriend, if not abusive and controlling now, may later become that towards her. This woman is incredibly sweet, passive, and mild-mannered, and selfless to a fault. Her dream is very traditional, to get married right away and become a housewife and mother, and I am worried that she has settled for this guy because he is the first one to come her way. As for him, I just don't have a good feeling about him. He demands she do everything for him - cook him food, get him coffee, bring him this or that. She is practically attached to him 24/7, waking up very early to go see him and not getting back till late, and he is constantly texting her and keeping her away from visiting with her family over Christmas by demanding she instead spend time with him. What made me especially nervous was his treatment towards animals. He was very rough and cruel in his treatment of my relative's dog. If the dog misbehaved the slightest bit, he either kicked it or grabbed it and inflicted some sort of pain until it was screaming and shrieking and flailing to get away from him, to the point where everyone had to yell at him to stop. Despite the fact that my relative is a huge animal lover and would never do something like that to her dog, she just kept quiet and looked upset but didn't intervene.

I just don't have a good feeling about him. I feel like he is parading her around as his trophy instead of valuing her as a person. I have seen her do countless kind things for him, but I haven't seen him do one nice thing for her. To be honest, I have been worried for years that this woman might "settle" for someone who isn't worth her, because she is just so giving and self-sacrificing. She is so intelligent and creative and has so much to offer and I can't stand the thought of her being trapped in a relationship where she isn't being valued for the person she is and not just the things she can do for her husband.

Anyway, I just don't know what to do. She has told me they are getting engaged soon and asked me to be in her bridal party. I said of course I would, but I am upset.

Is it possible to predict a future abusive relationship? And to prevent it? Or is the sad truth that I have to just wait and see what happens?

 

[Friday]

The first part doesn't bother me... A lot of amaaaaaazing relationships I know are built on that paradigm... And suit both people down to the ground.

The second part? Yep. Giant waving red flag.

It sounds like your relative need/wants to be taking care of someone (first part), which is fine. It really is. It's personal preference, is all, and truly does make some people soul deep happy -in their element, alive, & vivacious- to be doing it. The unfortunate part is such people are easy marks for assholes & abusers... Who twist everything good about that kind of soul... And warp it.

((Abusers target all types of people. A lot like that type / it's pretty classic. HOWEVER.... Some others enjoy breaking down the exact opposite of that type. And everything in between. There's no way to be completely unattractive to all abusers. No matter who you are, someone will enjoy breaking you. ... But the flip side of that coin... Is someone else will be struck dumb with how amazing and wonderful you are, just as you are.))

My best friend refused to be a part of my wedding party. She didn't like my fiancé / wouldn't be a party to my marrying him. I still married him, and still remained best friends with her. He totally became the abusive prick she saw him to be, and I missed. Wish I'd have listened, but I didn't.

 

[Changing4Best]

I would ask her some questions, like "What do you think of this man's treatment of your dog?" "Do you think he could do something li,e that to you?" Be blunt. Her life could depend upon it!

 

[UnKnown-Self]

Reach out and let her know you're there and keep reaching out.

 

[kona355]

It's what you dread - the key giveaway is cruelty to a defenseless pet.

 

[shimmerz]

"Do you think he could do something li,e that to you?"

Or do you think he could do something like that to your child. If she doesn't speak up over a dog, man, I would hate to see how it would work out if they had children together.

 

[Deleted member 29920]

Animal cruelty - HUGE red flag. I'd try to warn her. I hope someone kicks him until he shrieks, desperate to get away...

 

[Nevermore]

)-: yes his treatment of the dog says it all. Personally I think the first part is a bad sign too. I agree it is joyful and can be very life affirming to look after your partner but usually it's 2 way, each in their own different way, not one giving and the other receiving.
I hope your friend wakes up before they marry!
Sigh it's such a strong lure - marriage children stability - the most important part of it all is not marriage but who you marry!!

 

[KwanYingirl]

My guess is you sized him up correctly. Didn't the owner of the dog tell him to f*ck off?

 

[UnKnown-Self]

He was sending a message and a dangerous one.
He was showing her how much abuse he could get away with right in front of everyone and while there came a point a collective demand ensued for him to "stop". No one really did anything.
Both your relative and the dog were left there with him.

If you really feel the need to DO something. Report the bastard to animal cruelty. Tell your relative that you did so and why.

Also, can you offer safe solutions? Can you offer her and the dog a place to stay as long as they need?

Above is what I originally answered but I deleted it and instead I posted:

Reach out and let her know you're there and keep reaching out.

Because it might backfire and your relative feeling judged by you could cut off all contact. Then what?

Whatever you do, I hope your relative and her dog get away.

 

[desiderata310]

SO ... Been on the OTHER side of that equation. Married the abusive asshat. I've always been pretty submissive and very much a people pleaser. Similar personality...
When I finally got away, I had several people come up to me and tell me that they knew from the very beginning that it was going to turn out badly and that he was a bad guy.
Actually, that makes me so angry I want to cry just thinking about it.
These people thought that I was putting myself and my children in harm's way and never said a f*cking word. When I asked why they didn't speak up they said they didn't think I would listen.
What. The. Actual. f*ck.
At the end of the day, I would have probably done what I wanted, true. But there were things early on that if they had simply pulled me aside and said "hey, Desi. I know you are all giddy with love and shit but look at what he's doing. This guy is going to wind up hurting you" I would have carried those words with me. I would have KNOWN that I could have turned to that person and asked for help. Instead I stayed some place much longer and the stakes got much worse because I was so damned afraid that no one would believe me and that I was the nut job.

So... With that perspective, yes, you should take your very sweet, gentle friend out to coffee and have a sit down conversation. Tell her you're happy for her but then very clearly and without apology, tell her your fears and their basis in reality.

Because, Honestly? when you are that close to the situation you can't see anything but the bark of the tree, no forest.
Oh and there was a chance, a snowballs chance that I would have listened and saved myself that heartache.

 

[I'm not Spiderman]

You sound like a great a mate. Flag the issue up with her. Talk to other people too - guarantee you're not the only one with these thoughts if others were in the room. If they have the same thoughts as you, ask them to flag it up with her as well. If there are enough warning signs coming up she might be alerted to a potential problem.

My partner was kind to animals - had lots of dogs/loved cats/rescued abandoned pups - treated them well (I think). But my partner was abusive with me. Ultimately all you can do is look at how the person treats other human beings. How would this man behave if it were a person acting up? Get her thinking about it BUT don't make her feel like you are against her/judging her/criticising etc.

Best of luck I really hope things go well.