Graduated With Highest Honors In Psych But Still Dealing With Ptsd And Disability

[Glowlilly]

I'm new here. I recently graduated with highest honors as a psych major and will receive my bachelor of science degree in Jan. However, I'm still dealing with PTSD and disability, homelessness and the section 8 program, and fears about grad school. I hope to get into my new place in January, if the Section 8 inspectors pass this second inspection. I love moving into a clean home and decorating, but the process of moving and financial burdens are stressful for even those not experiencing ptsd. I'm looking for a phd or psy d program by 2017 but fear the ptsd challenges comprising fatigue and constant anxiety. Any advice some a scholar like me who is in her early 40s and trying to keep disability benefits until I get a doctoral degree? I am too old to rack up school debt but too bright not to try to move ahead and overcome this disorder. I have some lab experience but my requests as an undergrad to work less than 20 hours and receive accommodations have meant my dropping out of the mcnair program and not getting strong letters of recommendations, despite one peer reviewed journal in the works and my 3.9 GPA. I am a hard worker and have put in free labor over the summers that amounted to over 20 hours a week of work in addition to full time classes, but I can't seem to win favor with my undergrad mentor and feel as though my openness about ptsd damaged my reputation as a candidate for entry into grad school. Any tips on what I can do?

 

[Deleted member 20978]

Welcome @GLB :)

I have many of the same questions. Sounds like about the same age but my undergrad is much further back, also looking to go on to grad school in psych, also on SSDI. Wish I had good answers myself. I believe people can retain benefits while in school -- still wanting to learn more about that. As for stigmatization, I would hope a good school with good faculty would not discriminate against this but maybe a lot in how it is presented.

Hope others have more answers than I do.

 

[The Albatross]

Congratulations on your academic accomplishment. But clearly there is a degree of separation between your education/chosen profession and how you are living your life. How are you gonna square this up?

 

[Glowlilly]

Welcome @GLB :)

I have many of the same questions. Sounds like about the same age but...

Thank you.

Congratulations on your academic accomplishment. But clearly there is a degree of separation betwe...

My plan on managing PTSD while in grad school is to continue doing what I've been doing that allowed me to graduate with nearly straight A's as an undergrad (only had one A- during my entire undergraduate studies). That is, I've been able to use the skills learned in over a decade's worth of therapy/treatment, such as utilizing coping skills, guided imagery, effective time management, the assistance of disability services, stress management, and so forth. I do what I can to reduce negative stress and embrace the challenges of positive stress.

However, my main concern are things that are more physical than mental, with regards to my disability. For instance, I have insomnia and chronic fatigue, so working more than 60 hours is absolutely taxing on both my physical and mental health. However, from what I've heard about graduate programs, students primarily put in 60 to 80 hours a week to not only study and attend their graduate-level classes, but also to work in a lab, on their research, and in some internship, not counting any assistanceships that require mandatory work to keep tuition costs down. At my age, 41 (or rather, 42-43 by the time I actually get accepted into a graduate program), the time it takes to complete a doctoral degree will most likely put a toll on my health, unless there are programs that can allow students 40 maximum hours overall to complete a program within 5 to 7 years. It's the time and lack of energy and sleep that I'm concerned about, though my intelligence and willingness to learn and contribute to 2 fields (psychology and criminology) remains there.

I'm passionate, but I fear that the disabled should be allowed accommodations to complete a doctoral degree, so as to comply with ADA requirements, though hard to prove if they don't. There are many bright individuals who have a disability, and who can contribute magnanimously to their fields of study, but unfortunately the ways in which doctoral programs weed the majority of applicants out often also weed out disabled people. Heck, it's hard enough for those without a disability to get in, but even more so for those who have a disability.

 

[The Albatross]

Yeah okay... I zeroed in on homelessness.

 

[Glowlilly]

Welcome @GLB :)

I have many of the same questions. Sounds like about the same age but...

Thank you for your response, and I hope you are able to get accepted into the program you desire. It is indeed challenging for nontraditional students, veterans, and those with disabilities. There's a cap on veteran's benefits (I'm a veteran, by the way, but my PTSD and DID stemmed from childhood abuse, not military experience), and most veterans experiencing some form of disability have a challenging time for any educational funding once the time has expired to do so. There's also political reasons why the "gatekeepers" of PhD programs keep certain people out--most of which I'm not privy to, but a lot of which has to do with the fact that most PhD programs are funded by the government, so there's a limited amount of applicants they can accept, and they tend to only take in the elite by not only academic merit, but also race, age, and physical attractiveness, etc. The McNair program I was involved in was supposed to help, but they primarily focus on race and not on being the first generation or being disabled or being a nontraditional student--all of which are underrepresented, but they emphasize the term underrepresented as a race-based minority. So if you're mixed with White or Asian, you're pretty much screwed. I've known some people who were not considered a minority class or race but were nontraditional and/or disabled and/or first generation who never got accepted into one graduate program as a McNair scholar. There certainly needs to be more programs for undergraduate students to gain research and lab experience and publication opportunities when not a minority by race, but a minority in other ways. Once you graduate, unless you plan on incurring more debt for a second or third undergraduate degree, you have to find other means to get the experience and network you need for access to doctoral programs, and even some prestigious master-level programs.

My plan is to continue for 6 months as an undergrad alum in a lab and publish a peer-reviewed paper as first author. My plan after that is to find another lab I can volunteer with for free in order to get another year's worth experience in a lab, another published paper (no matter the author position), and a stronger recommendation. I also plan on studying for the GRE for an entire year and recalling the math I haven't done for 20 years, though I once aced a calculus class but can't seem to recall even the basic algebra and trig and geometry formulas to successfully complete the GRE. There are many people who struggle with similar issues when it comes to upward mobility through higher education, but the term higher education in the political realm--when dealing with impoverished or minority peoples--mainly has to do with undergraduate degrees. If one wants to go further, there are very few programs that offer funding for master's level or doctoral level programs. This SES divide further keeps some people from upwardly mobilizing, lest they incur over 100K to 400K of debt at a for-profit university that isn't accredited properly and has a very bad reputation at helping their doctoral or professional degree-holders find jobs.

My hope is to overcome all of these physical, mental, political, and discriminatory challenges somehow. My hope is to find the adequate health care I need, which is hard enough being on a fixed income and solely on Medicare. My hope is to find a transitional program that will give me the time I need (5 to 7 years) to transition off of disability, such as perhaps the Ticket to Work program that the SSA offers. My hope is to be a hope for other people like me. But to get over this hurdle during hard economic times and right before a new president gets elected is also challenging. Whatever changes will be made to the health care program, to educational funding, and to our economy might determine whether my plans will work or not.

People talk about why the disabled can't just get back to work. They don't understand that even people without a disability find themselves unable to find adequate employment, and they wind up needing public assistance and homeless shelters to get them by. They don't understand that the competition for procuring employment is high enough for those without disabilities, and almost damaging enough for those with disabilities. Additionally, there's a stigma that continues to exist about those with PTSD and otherwise, which has infiltrated the PhD programs, including psychology PhD programs. I find that ironic and hypocritical, but those that are more for the boulder model tend to not appreciate the vail model, so there are turf wars that exist within the field of psychology alone, and it would make sense that the boulder model gatekeepers would not want someone mentally disabled on their team. I've heard it from 2 or 3 horses' mouths, where the potential mentors of a boulder model PhD program I was interested in working with told me quite frank over an email or in person that to put anything about your disability in a personal statement will get your application in the rejection pile. The vail model (primarily PsyD programs) is more accepting of individuals because they are more practitioner-based and less research-based. However, more funding goes toward PhD programs than PsyD programs, and you have to wonder why there aren't enough qualified therapists out there, lest you include the underpaid and overworked social workers, MFTs, LPCs, and others. Some PhD programs offer a balance, but not when it comes to trauma studies. And more funding is now going toward neuropsychology and cognitive science than to clinical psychology that emphasizes trauma. Yet, in the criminal justice field, over 70% of adult criminals and about 90% of juvenile delinquents have experienced trauma, which is to say that they criminalize not only the mentally ill (which holds similar demographic statistics), but also trauma victims.

My passion stems from my PTSD and DID, my homeless experiences, my military experience, my experience in speaking as a volunteer of a church to criminals, juveniles, addicts, and homeless people struggling with trauma-related symptoms, even if they didn't meet the (substandard) screening for a bonafide trauma-related disorder. There are programs called trauma-informed programs that are supposed to help people in the community and in correctional facilities heal from their trauma, but the funding isn't there or the willingness of staff to learn these skills and employ them aren't there. And, to come back around to my original complaint about my personal statement including my disability or even experiences in overcoming my disability while also planning to pursue a career in helping further research and other trauma victims heal is now seen by boulder-program gatekeepers as a "liability" or "weakness" or "definite rejection." This is sad, and this is an open door to social justice. This shows me how messed up our higher educational and mental health care systems are! This shows me that there needs to be more people fighting for what I believe should be human rights. Instead, they leave it up to the criminal justice system, social workers, community non-profits (i.e., churches and other community organizations), etc.

If only faculty could see the passion I have to move research forward, to be a humanitarian and help trauma victims heal, to be qualified for PhD programs, I wouldn't be struggling half as much as I am today--and thousands or even hundreds more victims could find hope in procuring their dreams and upwardly mobilizing to the point of escaping poverty. If only.

My struggles concerning graduate school preparation are more on the level of wanting to now become an advocate, in addition to all of my other pursuits, which is not considered "politically correct" in academia or the clinical psych field. Sadly, I may have committed career suicide because I voiced to my undergraduate mentor these very things that I would hope to change, to better the systems. Perhaps he and others, being the gatekeepers they are, shun change and continue to keep people like me out. I've seen and heard from many students who both dropped out and successfully completed a PhD program in Clinical Psych while having PTSD and other mental disorders. It angers me to know that this is what I'm up against, that this is what many of my friends are up against. And I believe it is wrong.

But my mouth does get me in trouble, since I hate politics and will speak my mind--especially since I've learned to not be silent or secretive anymore about my childhood abuse or trauma. I've learned to embrace it as a testimony of strength, of overcoming adversity, of survival. I wish I knew how to eloquently state what people need to hear without the whole entire field seeing me as a "threat," though I have no clout and I'm sure they would see to it that I never get any. My goal is to help bring social justice to the minorities in terms of being trauma victims, of having a mental disability, and being nontraditional students seeking the highest* (not just higher in terms of an undregrad degree) type of education and upward mobility. I've spoken at a leadership conference about disability and disabled leaders, and have done enough private research to know that we need more disabled leaders in the workforce. Diversity is not just about race; it also includes SES, appearances, disability, age, etc. Discrimination laws spell it out, yet funding and emphasis is placed primarily on race issues, not other diversity issues. THEY ALL MATTER!

 

[joeylittle]

Why do you want a PhD or PsyD, as opposed to going the MSW, LCSW route? When I read what you have to say about your passion for activism, I don't think 'oh, that person will benefit from a Doctorate' - I think, 'that person needs a clinical/terminal Masters'.

 

[HBW]

Glowlilly, What are the coping skills and guided imagery you mentioned? Im interested in using what ever I can get my hands on to manage my day to day life. I could have used more of them back when I was in school but alas i fought accepting my condition and well lets just say I received my undergraduates about twenty years later.. My poor gpa but I fought through it just to have the accomplishment. Anyway, I'm super interested in the details if you have time to message me. Plus does anyone have any advice or suggestion when it comes to changing gpa's after ones graduated. Now that i'm older and my head is on a little straighter I'm interested in taking my education further but I'd need some sort of help considering I wrecked my early college life with denying my issues.

 

[Powder]

I worked in Trio. We never closed doors on those we served like that. There is a saying, "Once Trio, Always Trio." They should have transitioned you into another support program, not just DSS. However, as you do well academically, and have a bachelor's you are no longer demonstrating "need" for Student Support Services, SSS, also a Trio program.

My suggestion is to think about working for a Trio program to gain social skills and workplace political navigation skills (and real support relationships). Working for the University TRIO office as a counselor/Program Coordinator is your best avenue, then entry into a warm program environment. You personally know what is needed, and now, what NOT to do to students. We ALWAYS did everything to protect our students, even looking the other way if they ceased to qualify. Once Trio, Always Trio, unless they had major rule breaking issues, or tried to subvert the program or others.

WSU Pullman, WA has a researcher all about Trauma-Informed Best Practices in schools and elsewhere. If you are in the USA, Northwest, that is one thing to look at for a workplace and a potential supportive research program. See contacts and article below for details if interested. I don't have first hand knowledge, just 10 years of looking for something like this in the Pacific NW. I believe this program to be consistent in championing complex trauma, the need to stop looking the other way in schools, etc. I believe that is the change we want to see, correct? I'm not Polyanna. It's not going to be easy. There is no $ in it. Yet.

https://news.wsu.edu/2015/09/14/grant-helps-with-long-term-trauma-recovery-after-mudslide/

 

[Powder]

https://sssp.wsu.edu/

My students are in this program now (some of them). Pictured is one of my girls who was shot in the back while sleeping by gang members sending a message to her relative in a rival gang.

She is on a path to earn her Ph.D. now. She is giving back to her program that she is in.

If you truly believe in yourself, balance your huge needs and wants with those of others. Academia MUST change to survive, as do academics.

Trauma can make it feel like "It's me against the world," and this is the big lie.

Don't be the recipient of charity only. Be the charitable one, and you will be blessed much more.

For example, it was not merely a Cinderella story for J.K. Rowling. She spent her early career working Amnesty Intl. She was blessed because deep down, she grew seeds of positive change. And the universe merely paid her back. She believed in her own gifts and interests, but she also believed in others and invested in them. Mostly she worked to help survivors of trauma from political incarcerations, torture and rape. She deserves what she got. She earned her success by giving back to the traumatized of the world.

You have earned a degree, now give back before expecting more. In the universe, there is a need for balance. Your own spirit will seek it.