Just for info, the feeling that you describe at the start of your first post is very usual of trauma. It's your vagal nerve getting your insides ready for fight flight or freeze.
Further to what the other guys are saying, you are not bad.
I walked out of my marriage.
If I'd known then, the things I've learned in a year and a half of coming here, things might have been different.
Communication and dealing with feelings doesn't come naturally to a lot of people. It's a learning process, and it is a "transaction" like bartering, two people are involved
It's very easy to develop habits, of reacting in certain ways, of reacting to things in the past, rather than what is really going on, of thinking one thing is being meant, when something different is being meant...
Changing those habits is hard work, but is so worth it when it works.
One of the first things is learning the " boundaries " of what each of us can control and what we cannot.
You cannot possibly control another person's mood. That is in their head, not yours. We are not magicians
Self care and safety are important firsts for you.
Learning to control his current way of reacting to your difficulties, and to learn more effective and compassionate ways of interacting with you, is your husband's job.
Neither of you can do the other person's behaving for them. Even Just trying to do it for them results in a whole load of miserable manipulative fail.
That fail has a name, " codependency". It's best known with people around alcoholics, but extends far wider.
I can appreciate the farming community and the feelings of shame and stigma... All too well. If you have decent internet, you can use Skype or similar to use relationship and trauma counsellors further afield.
I don't go there, but a friend really likes a blog called "baggage reclaim" and the discussion community in the comments section. I think friend now knows the blogger in real life too.
Repeat, you are not bad, bad things have happened to you.
Both you and your husband are suffering bad times at the present, that still doesn't make either of you bad people.
You realise that you need help, and you have reached out for help. That is good.
Further to what the other guys are saying, you are not bad.
I walked out of my marriage.
If I'd known then, the things I've learned in a year and a half of coming here, things might have been different.
Communication and dealing with feelings doesn't come naturally to a lot of people. It's a learning process, and it is a "transaction" like bartering, two people are involved
It's very easy to develop habits, of reacting in certain ways, of reacting to things in the past, rather than what is really going on, of thinking one thing is being meant, when something different is being meant...
Changing those habits is hard work, but is so worth it when it works.
One of the first things is learning the " boundaries " of what each of us can control and what we cannot.
You cannot possibly control another person's mood. That is in their head, not yours. We are not magicians
Self care and safety are important firsts for you.
Learning to control his current way of reacting to your difficulties, and to learn more effective and compassionate ways of interacting with you, is your husband's job.
Neither of you can do the other person's behaving for them. Even Just trying to do it for them results in a whole load of miserable manipulative fail.
That fail has a name, " codependency". It's best known with people around alcoholics, but extends far wider.
I can appreciate the farming community and the feelings of shame and stigma... All too well. If you have decent internet, you can use Skype or similar to use relationship and trauma counsellors further afield.
I don't go there, but a friend really likes a blog called "baggage reclaim" and the discussion community in the comments section. I think friend now knows the blogger in real life too.
Repeat, you are not bad, bad things have happened to you.
Both you and your husband are suffering bad times at the present, that still doesn't make either of you bad people.
You realise that you need help, and you have reached out for help. That is good.
