Hello

[charlie adam]

I know it may not be an appropriate place to post but i think this is only one of the places that can help......sorry if this is off topic btw

just a few months ago i was suffering from crippling depression and social anxiety but now i think i "emotionally numbed my self" and couldn't feel a thing this was 5 months ago,i was really happy at first but now im frustrated that i can't feel emotion as i used to,i cant feel happy and the closest to that i can feel is relaxed.i've started trying to emotionally connect but that is often to low of an intensity and short lived im really getting worried so any help to feel emotion again would be appreciated thanks ( i dont really care if it means me being depressed again or being socially anxious at least it'll feel better than this psychopathic persona and i'll actually feel something.Due to being relieved from the pain i also started suppressing my emotions but i stopped but after that i think the desensitization began.


Is it possible for me to feel again?

 

[Deleted member 24866]

I am not a psychologist or anything, but this actually sounds like depression. I have been told that it is linked to suppressed anger a lot of times and it seems true. Initially sorrowful, but a chemical change occurs as well after a bit of time leaving you feel pretty dead to the world. What set you off initially ? New findings seem to also suggest there is a link physically with inflammation as well, and depression can effect your immune system also so which comes first is hard to say - but I have noted some correlation in the past.

Are you eating right? And are you getting any exercise? these things may help, Or for me putting on some music can give me a kick in the pants many times. Good luck friend. Hope it helps- that is not fun.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Is it possible for me to feel again?

Yes! Again, as I usually do, Im gonna reply without reading the other replies first as I have done most times. My story is in the indroductions. In order for me to survive my "house of hell" (being raised in the Satanic cult as their sex toy, their 12 yr old prostitute aka "money whore", their toy to beat, cut i side of, kick, rape 45 men in hrs, forced to kill and drain the blood out of animals, urinate on etc...you get the point) i had to seperate myself from it. I am still to this day at almost 35 yrs of age and almost 7 yrs of therapy seperated from it. At 18 when i moved out and more so at 19 when i cut contact and they no longer had control, i had to make it in the world without anyone know of my "nasty shameful secert" so i stuffed it as far down as it would go, but it came up at times and id numb it with cutting (i still do) and drugs (currently clean). When i talk about it it sounds like im talking about someone else as it feels that way due to being so seperated from it. The only emotions i could get to was self anger and self hatred and constant anxiety. For me in just the past few weeks, with me fighting my own core believes that i was taught to believe, i came to a conclusion. My self anger and self hatred is like the thick chocolate on a chocolate coated candy (the candy being my other emotions) and i had to find a way to shed that or ceack it. So i posted a post found in childhood, starting to grieve my child self 1 of 2 reasons im a monter and told in a post the one thing i left out of my indro due to mossive shame and self anger and self hatred over it, read it outloud to my therapist (who knew of it but only a "i did this" and move on as fast as i could). Only time ive ever talked outloud in detail about it. It worked. The next day, New Years Day, i posted of being truggered in anxiety over parade but instead of saying i had anxiety, or self anger, or self hated or all, i said i had anxiety and hurt. I didnt even know it til i re-read it for typos. Then the other day I re-read @FridayJones's reply to the first "shameful" post, long verison, and it made me feel pain. Not self anger or hatred but pain. Pain is still a ball tangled mess of emotions but yes its poissible. If its possible to be on the road of unbrainwashing myself, its possible for you but supressing is never good nor does it ever really work cuz the supressed will come out on its own anyway, usually in the form that causes addictions etc.

 

[charlie adam]

I am not a psychologist or anything, but this actually sounds like depression. I have been told that it...

I am not a psychologist or anything, but this actually sounds like depression. I have been told that it...

That's exactly what's happening,I had this suppressed rage and lashed out some times because of my abuse from dad
but recently it subsidized and not feeling much anger at all apart from feeling like being a cynical asshole to people thanks

by the way I'd really appreciate if you uh gave me some tips to uh help myself if thats okay with you,i don't really want to be a burden......

 

[charlie adam]

Yes! Again, as I usually do, Im gonna reply without reading the other replies first as I have...

Aww @ you being abused and raised in an abusive environment I can relate x just remember they needed to belittle you for their own self esteem x

Now to you feeling anger,I honestly cant relate,i just want to feel emotion again :/

on the bright side though,i've progressed and have been able to feel a little emotion so i can feel depressed if i imagine myself betraying someone that is really really really emotionally (known for a long time) important to me so i guess that's progress.....

 

[Deleted member 24866]

No burden. I like anger better than depression. Hopefully you can escape your fathers abuse, but I understand in an oppressive environment shrinking back into yourself a bit. I really like to channel the anger into exercise and wish I had a punching bag here, this works fast and is good for you also. It also is supposed to be as effective as taking anti-depressants to get some exercise several times per week. I still get cynical too.. :/ ..I think having people to vent to helps. Do you still live with your father? Try to channel the anger, its a perfectly acceptable emotion - just try to put it to good use. Journaling can be helpful also.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Now to you feeling anger,I honestly cant relate,i just want to feel emotion again :/

So do I. Anger IS an emotion BUT when its directed myself and not my abusers, theres a problem there and dont mistake my SELF anger and SELF hatred for real emotions. I dont (or didnt before a week or so ago) feel pain and sadness, i still dont feel happy, angry at others besides myself not matter what they do to me, or really anything but numb. Ive been numb my entire life including my childhood which by the way if you want to read my intro its found here: https://www.myptsd.com/threads/my-story-me.58064/ and though i went to my therapist every week for an entire year before he knew why i was really there and then spent the next 2 yrs telling him slowly about my past, i told it to him like i was talking about the weather or like it happened to some other person that i knew. Im completely seperated and numbed from it. I got stuck in therapy of almost 7 yrs, stuck for over a year because i couldnt A) seem to accept anything but what i was taught to believe, my core believes, no matter how non-rational they are; still cant and B) i couldnt feel anything but anger at myself (and most especially at my "child self" whom is very much still with me and comes out at night who is the only one that feels 'fear', in the day thats MASSIVE anxiety) i couldnt identify with any other feelings which made me stuck. I figured out by massively challenging my core believes and automatic thoughts and came to a self awareness that (for me) my self anger and self hatred was covering up all the other emotions. I had to shed that (for you it may be different) and when i did, for the first time in my life, instead of massive anger at myself and massive hatred toward myself, the first thing i felt was pain. Again, still a balled up tangle of emotions but it was a change, something for the first time changed. That sheding post where i shed my self anger and self hatred, which was the biggest thing left out of my intro, and the biggest step ive taken thus far in therapy, is here: https://www.myptsd.com/threads/the-start-of-grieving-little-me-1-of-2-reasons-im-a-monster.58415/ if you want to read it but i was answering your question "Will I ever feel again" and my answer is yes; if you are willing to put in the work meant for you. If you dont have a therapist i would get one as its very hard if not next to impossible to correcrly heal from an abusive past and especially PTSD, if you have it, without one.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

it subsidized and not feeling much anger at all apart from feeling like being a cynical asshole to people thanks

Numbing yourself from pain (which is whats under the supressed emotions) is a defense mechisim. We cant handle it so we numb it. If you are still in contact with your dad (unsure of your age) id cut that contact until he has changed to a non-abusive individual and can take reaponsiblity for his abuse. While being in contact with the abusers, its very hard to get better. And feeling depressed isnt good either, even though the other emotions were there. Theres healing all around that needs to take place.

 

[Born to Run]

Please, do not think of yourself as a burden. Could it be that you are dissociated? Then you also do not feel a lot of emotion. Could you get help from a therapist? It is difficult to process trauma on your own.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Could it be that you are dissociated? Then you also do not feel a lot of emotion.

Disassocation usually occurs in waves, or for a small time frame then you come out of it though there are varying of degrees in it, you generally dont stay disassociated. It more sounds like supression to me, supressed all the bad which also supresses all the good. (Ive had all my emotions supressed until my current therapist, and disassociate a lot then and now).

Could you get help from a therapist? It is difficult to process trauma on your own.

I completely agree with this!

Please, do not think of yourself as a burden.

I second this! :) :hug:

 

[charlie adam]

Thank you for all the supportive comments they mean a lot :)

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Thank you for all the supportive comments they mean a lot :)

You are very welcome and you are safe here and for me this my ONLY support and has allowed me to take the BIGGEST step foward then ive taken in almost 7 yrs of therapy. You are safe here. Welcome! :hug: