Thehalflingninja
New Here
I don't have one of those names that could be anyone. I have an unusual name so I won't give that out. So...how to do an intro without a name...Well, I am 26 years old and I have had PTSD for about 9 years. I grew up in an abusive home. My mother was physically abusive, mostly to my older brother. My grandparents lived with us. My grandpa molested me when I was little. I have only one memory, but it's so clear and I've always had it. The big one, though, is I was sexually abused by my older brother pretty much my whole life before turning 18. I don't know if I need a trigger warning but consider yourself warned. He raped me. Vaginally. Anally. Digitally (with fingers). Orally. He forced me to receive oral sex. He stripped off all my clothes. I was trapped in a room with him. I couldn't get out. It would go on forever. He would hold me down, pin me, hit me, cut off my oxygen. He sometimes tied my wrists to the headboard of the bed. Sometimes he gagged me. He also edged me. What I mean by that is he rubbed and stimulated me to the point right below an orgasm and kept me there for what felt like forever. I didn't want to feel any pleasure. I hated it. But I've been told that's the way bodies are designed to respond. He would even kiss me, on the lips, try to make out with me. His hands and mouth were all over my body. He was a football player and lifted weights a lot. I tried to fight him off but he was too strong. I got good at dissociating. I was basically his sex slave. There was nothing I could do.
Recently I got out of a bad relationship. The man I was dating took advantage of me when I was dissociated. He's kinky. So he used collars and dominance/submission among other things. I made it clear I wanted to save all sexual stuff for when I was married. He crossed that line and all I could do was dissociate. He knew about my past and my PTSD. He knew triggers and signs of dissociation. He ignored my dissociation and initiated sexual stuff anyway. Sometimes he did things that were known huge triggers, like blocking the door.
I don't know how bad my PTSD is, but I do know I feel haunted. It won't go away. I've been in therapy on and off for many years. Just last night I had a bad episode. I'm so tired, exhausted. And I feel so alone and freakish. Shorty before Christmas my PTSD put me in the ER. I nearly passed out at work. I could barely walk unassisted. Doctors said its extreme sleep deprivation, exhaustion, and stress. I have tactile hallucinations, flashbacks, panic attacks, and really bad dissociation. I'm really at a loss as to what to do. I'm just so scared and ashamed of being scared.
Recently I got out of a bad relationship. The man I was dating took advantage of me when I was dissociated. He's kinky. So he used collars and dominance/submission among other things. I made it clear I wanted to save all sexual stuff for when I was married. He crossed that line and all I could do was dissociate. He knew about my past and my PTSD. He knew triggers and signs of dissociation. He ignored my dissociation and initiated sexual stuff anyway. Sometimes he did things that were known huge triggers, like blocking the door.
I don't know how bad my PTSD is, but I do know I feel haunted. It won't go away. I've been in therapy on and off for many years. Just last night I had a bad episode. I'm so tired, exhausted. And I feel so alone and freakish. Shorty before Christmas my PTSD put me in the ER. I nearly passed out at work. I could barely walk unassisted. Doctors said its extreme sleep deprivation, exhaustion, and stress. I have tactile hallucinations, flashbacks, panic attacks, and really bad dissociation. I'm really at a loss as to what to do. I'm just so scared and ashamed of being scared.
