Ptsd Relastionship Early Shut Out

[Boosted135i]

Well, the main thing now is to give her time and space. If you don't, there would definitely be no chan...

Agreed. If I pushed it too hard, so be it. If she comes around, my heart will be happy. Either way. I have to take in that happiness is my choice, and that I have the ability to connect with someone

 

[Sweetpea76]

Honestly, if she does come back, she could do this exact same thing over and over and over again. Is that what you want? Could you handle that?

It's never going to make any sense to you. I love my PTSD sufferer very much, but I'm never going to understand why he feels what he feels or reacts to things the way he does. It just "is".

 

[Boosted135i]

Honestly, if she does come back, she could do this exact same thing over and over and over again. Is...

Is that what I want? Honestly, I really care for this woman. I can't explain it. And the feelings were there before all of this happened, so it's not a "rescue or pity party feeling". I didn't respect her boundaries when she told me to just leave her be. Like I said, abandonment fear kicked in and I went into "fix this" mode. Now that I'm armed with the knowledge that these things just need to be worked out with a little more sensitivity and care; I believe the juice is worth the squeeze.

 

[Justmehere]

You are smitten, and care for her deeply, that is really clear.

e. Like I said, abandonment fear kicked in and I went into "fix this" mode.

I have done this. Oh, it's so hard. I want to do ANYTHING to make things ok so the person I care about doesn't leave or isn't in pain. It's not healthy, and usually does more harm than good, but it's really understandable.

Something to remember for the future is best described by a Henry Nowen quote: “When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.”

This applies not only to supporting someone with PTSD (or any other kind of battle or hurt) but towards ourselves. Life is going to throw us all very painful curve balls at times, and sometimes, the most important thing to do is to not try to fix our pain, but to listen to it, live with it, be there for ourselves and find others who can be with us in those moments and help us put down all our desperate efforts to fix and make the pain ok.

It seems like she had a lot she was dealing with and fixing you may have been her way of trying to get out of that pain, and same for you - you trying to fix the relationship was you trying to get out of the pain of her leaving you.

Historically I'm very selfish.. But when I find someone that I connect with, I'm selfless.

I have PTSD. Being able to compromise and work things through and yeah, being selfless in the right ways, is helpful in a supporters. However, there is a way that selfless becomes co-dependency and co-dependency is very overwhelming. I need a supporter, especially the guys I date, who are not selfish, but who also have a self, and an ability to say no. I need a partner/supporter who doesn't wrap up their life and happiness and even sense of self so much in me and our relationship or else I will sabotage and/or bolt and run. I have spoken to a number of people who feel the same, just his weekend, on a class on boundaries in dating. Not being selfish is good, but being boundaries, having a self, having the ability to say no, and avoiding co-dependency in all it's ways are key to a healthy relationship. Otherwise, you are not really in a relationship with each other, the real you and the real her, but your mutual idealized version or fantasies of each other.

So don't be selfish, but do have a distinct self and do be willing to express what you like and don't like, what you want and don't want, and some people will find it very attractive and some sufferers will find it less overwhelming than someone who is willing to bend at every request.

I'm just curious about the processing of these emotions. She knows she hurt me. And she even stated it was really hurting her to tell me to go away. She expressed guilt over the fact that she's unhealthy and I deserve someone healthy, someone who I don't have to worry about, etc... Is this guilt ridden behavior common in sufferers? Does their struggling to cope with their trauma bleed over into them feeling unworthy of happiness?

Many sufferers think they are a burden, and feel very unworthy of anything good. Self contempt can be common, especially for survivors of sexual abuse. They internalize the message of the abuser that they are unworthy and terrible and ect. Self contempt is maladaptive way to cope with the pain of abuse. It's done to survive the abuse itself, and the later ongoing pain of the trauma.

If I am unworthy of kindness, then I deserved the abuse, and life makes sense. It's all my fault. It hints at a deeper thought that I am in control.

It's kind of a bandaid to the deep pain of the reality of the fact that the abuse was undeserved, and I am worthy of respect, and this horrible thing that isn't my fault happened, and I wasn't in control.... etc. That's much more painful, although truthful, to sit with and work through.

She's in her late 20's now. She has attended therapy sessions. She kept justifying her decision to walk away by saying "my physicians, my family, and my friends all said I can't be in a relationship." I never got to ask the question but I wanted to ask "what is it that YOU want."

Think about it like this: I have an autoimmune disease. My doctors, my family and my friends all agree I can't drive right now because it affects my ability to see. Is not driving what I want? Goodness no. Could I hop in a car and drive anyhow before treatment is done and my eyesight is stable? Yes, I could. Is the outcome of doing that likely going to be good for me or anyone else? No, I'm likely to crash and hurt myself and others, which is bad enough, and I am also likely to set back my own recovery from my autoimmune disease as recovering from those injuries will delay the treatment for my disease.

She may be in a place in her recovery from the trauma that for her, getting into a relationship isn't good for her right now, even if she wants it. She is likely to crash and burn and hurt herself and others in the process - and not only that, she could set back her recovery, because unsteady of stabilizing her PTSD and processing the trauma, she would be using therapy time in processing the hurt and confusion of a relationship.

There was a time in my own recovery process where I couldn't date, and I have been told by my therapist that this isn't uncommon for PTSD sufferers to go through a time where they don't get into new dating relationships until they are further in their recovery. When I was in the place where I couldn't date, I tried anyhow, and would get triggered left and right, and my heart broken in a million ways, and there was nothing left for me to also go through the hell of trauma therapy. I got worse and worse. We couldn't deal with the underlying trauma because all my effort was spent on dating and how to handle it. So I stopped dating for awhile and then I finally got better and got to a place where I could date again. It's still of and on for me now, but I'm actually making progress now.

Trauma therapy is REALLY HARD. it's not a walk in the park. It typically makes symptoms worse for awhile and that's a tough time to start a new relationship with all the normal and natural good and negative stressors and changes it brings. It can then increase symptoms through the roof to a point where something has got to give for survival sake, and sometimes, it's giving up dating for awhile.

It also sounds like for her, she identified ways she was using the relationship to escape the hard work she needed to do.

Is it what she wants? It may not matter at all right now. It may be best for her to choose the path that will help her get better so that down the road she has the best chance at having the life she wants, dating and all.

I have to take in that happiness is my choice, and that I have the ability to connect with someone

That is a great thing and a wonderful way of looking at it!

 

[Boosted135i]

You are smitten, and care for her deeply, that is really clear.

I have done this. Oh, it's so hard....

This post broke my heart :(

Edit: After the dust settles... Is there anyway to show my apology without rocking the boat? i.e. Not crossing boundaries? Would something like having flowers delivered be a trigger? I feel as if I was wearing a blindfold before I searched for support and began to learn about being supportive/ in the life of someone suffering with PTSD. Is never speaking with her again (unless she initiates) the only way? I'm not so wrapped up in getting back into her life... I just want to apologize.

 

[Deleted member 24866]

Personally I think flowers would be looked at over the top, maybe just send a card and in it reassure her you not attempt to contact her further in it, but if that you are leaving the door open to her as well. I guess I do not understand why you need to apologize. I hope your life is not to isolated, you make it sound as though you are not. But I know how devastating personal loss can be if that's the only one around. If I was in your shoes I would do a personal inventory as it seems it almost borders on codependence. Be strong.. you got this. You are a beautiful person, I am sure not simply in your capacity to love. Granted we all need to be appreciated, and our environments are not just bubbles. I only buy into the codependent thing a fraction, otherwise counselors would not ask us to do group therapy or even see them. I hope you find a supportive environment and explore your God given passions aside from this person. You mentioned other stressors such as family.. are you practicing a bit of escapism here? Either way.. we all are guilty at points. I see you have a passion for learning and mastery also. Maybe further schooling would be something you would enjoy.. IDK, just throwing out ideas.

 

[Boosted135i]

Personally I think flowers would be looked at over the top, maybe just send a card and in it reassure h...

I feel the need to apologize because I believe a misunderstanding has squandered something that was more good than bad. No fundamental schism or belief pulled us apart. She was shutting down, I pushed, she freaked. That was the extent of it. Do I feel justified in wanting closure? Now that I understand PTSD better? Absolutely not. I would have just kept my mouth shut, and let it play out. I want to apologize for not understanding what she wanted and why she wanted it so badly. I want to say that I'm not entitled to her feelings like I made her believe with pushing her after she wanted me to back off... I just had an issue of my own that surfaced. I always have this feeling of the sky is falling when things like this happen. The world kind of goes black on me. It hasn't happened in a long time, but I guess I have triggers too. I just want to be understood and to understand.

 

[Justmehere]

Edit: After the dust settles... Is there anyway to show my apology without rocking the boat? i.e. Not crossing boundaries? Would something like having flowers delivered be a trigger?

If she has asked you to not contact her (and I think threatening to get a restraining order is a pretty clear request that you don't contact her) then one of the worst things you could do right now is to ignore that clear "no" and contact her. Sufferers need to know that they can say no, and people will respect that no.

Even though your intentions would be very good, it would be a huge risk if you did contact her, even to apologize. Maybe if you wait a month or so, with zero contact, and you mailed a simple card, then yeah, that might be ok. Maybe. But for now, she really needs to know from you that she can tell you no, and you will respect it.

Trauma is where no means nothing. Show her that her no means something to you. No matter what. That in an of itself is an apology.

I know how much you want to apologize. There is more than one kind of apology. There is the one we can give with our words, to seek to make amends that way. Then there is another kind of apology - changing the way we act. Doing something different.

It already sounds like you did apologize on text, or at least expressed a lot of how sorry you were and how much you wanted to fix it. I am guessing that she knows you feel really sorry for what happened. She probably doesn't need more words right now. She needs you to do something different - change your actions. Make the behavorial amends and not contact her until she contacts you again.

There is also the legal risks of contacting someone who has sent a clear message that you are one contact away from her getting a restraining order...

So make the amends and show your apology by giving her space. Then later, and I mean much later (at least a month, if not a couple of months) then it might be ok to take the risk to send a card. Maybe. It is a huge risk - and if you choose to do it, wait. It will be a lot more effective after you show her that you can let the boundary be, and give her space right now.

Most of all, I think the biggest "apology" isn't between you and her, but for you to forgive yourself. We all make mistakes in relationships. Everyone. PTSD or not. You are learning, and that's huge. So many people don't dare reach out for support and feedback, so many are too scared to learn and look at how things could go differently. You have had great courage to do just that. You did not make the worst mistake, you had very good intentions and you are learning from them. That's huge. Now is the time to learn to give yourself some compassion for it, and keep learning.

You are doing well with this, and I can read how deep the pain goes. Hang in there. :hug:

 

[Justmehere]

I always have this feeling of the sky is falling when things like this happen. The world kind of goes black on me. It hasn't happened in a long time, but I guess I have triggers too. I just want to be understood and to understand.

Yeah, and when people get triggered, they can't really process the other side so well. Excutive functioning in the brain shuts off and the more basic parts of the brain are running the show. Understanding the other person and processing complex feelings is really hard when someone is triggered.

If you want her to understand you, and for you to understand her, then wait.

Wait so that both of you can work through your own triggers and then perhaps be able to understand each other better.

If you push for understanding now, you both will probably trigger each other, and keep not understanding each other at all, and it will all get worse.

She is triggered. As much as you want her to understand you didn't mean to overwhelm her, she isn't going to be able to hear that right now. She needs some time and space to get her feet under her and to get her symptoms under better control before she can even try to understand you.

If you contact her when she doesn't want that contact, all she will "hear" is the message that she can't say no to you.... and I know that's not what you want to communicate to her right now.

It's gonna be hella hard to wait, I know, but keep reaching out for support, online, and offline. You will be doing more than helping her, but also helping yourself. Learning how to wait is an important skill to know as a supporter. It's hard to explain...

I can relate to wanting to apologize for things I did that caused hurt that I didn't mean to cause, all because I just didn't understand, and the other person didn't understand. I speak form hard learned experience when I say waiting is best right now, and you will be better understood and will better understand her, if you give her some time and space right now.

My heart goes out to you. :hug:

 

[Boosted135i]

If she has asked you to not contact her (and I think threatening to get a restraining order is a pret...

I wholeheartedly agree with this post. Maybe another day down the road I'll try and throw a line out to her. I feel that I'm getting a little better each day in accepting what happened; even though it still feels like a bad joke where I'm the punchline. Your post about her doing little things to my appearance etc. to help fix me had me in tears last night. She was so earnest and meant so well with her little suggestions... And for a while, I could see it took away her pain... And it meant the world...

The hardest part of this whole experience is that, for a fleeing moment, the walls came down and I got a glimpse of who she is without all of the pain and the trauma; and it set my heart on fire. There is no doubt that she is deeply troubled with many moods and frustrations and pain.. But seeing her stripped of those burdens and being at peace for a short time is something I'll never forget.

 

[Justmehere]

The hardest part of this whole experience is that, for a fleeing moment, the walls came down and I got a glimpse of who she is without all of the pain and the trauma; and it set my heart on fire. There is no doubt that she is deeply troubled with many moods and frustrations and pain.. But seeing her stripped of those burdens and being at peace for a short time is something I'll never forget.

I wish I could super like this. It's amazing you were able to see that, and I hope you continue to treasure that memory.

 

[Boosted135i]

I wish I could super like this. It's amazing you were able to see that, and I hope you continue to tr...

It's just the way I feel. I'm sad. I lost my friend. The person that came along and woke up my heart won't ever have a place in my life.